brave new girl

sixteen
BECS
rafflesian
rjc
rgguitar
rgdebate
ex-northlander
101'05
206'06
310'07
410'08

speak

Whispers.

History

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Credits

Skins -- Blogskins
Skin By -- MetallicStreet

Groove

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Saturday, December 12, 2009

tell me you know
Hello, tell me you know, yeah, you've figured me out
Something gave it away
And it would be such a beautiful moment to see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now

And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking
You know nothing
'Cause you and I, why we go carrying on for hours on end
We get along much better than you and your boyfriend

Well, all I really want to do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through

And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me

Well, how long can I go on like this, wishing to kiss you
Before I rightly explode
And this double life I lead isn't healthy for me in fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all
Well, baby there's a lot that I miss in case I'm wrong

All I really want to do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still cant say it after all we've been through

And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me

If I should be so bold, I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand
Tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man
But I never said a word I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again

Well, all I really want to do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through

And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me
I think it might kill me

And all I really want from you is to feel me
It's a feeling inside that keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me
It might kill me

Labels: songs

12:31 AM
sparkled;

Friday, December 11, 2009

开不了口
by Jay Chou
才离开没多久就开始
担心今天的你
过得好不好
整个画面是你
想你想的睡不著

嘴嘟嘟那可爱的模样
还有在你身上
香香的味道
我的快乐是你
想你想的都会笑

没有你在我有多难熬
(没有你在我有多难熬多烦恼)
没有你烦我有多烦恼
(没有你烦我有多烦恼多难熬)
穿过云层
我试著努力向你奔跑
爱才送到
你却已在别人怀抱

就是开不了口让她知道
我一定会呵护著你
也逗你笑
整颗心悬在半空
我只能够远远看著
这些我都做得到
但那个人已经不是我

就是开不了口让她知道
就是那么简单几句
我办不到
整颗心悬在半空
我只能够远远看著
这些我都做得到
但那个人已经不是我

没有你在我有多难熬
(没有你在我有多难熬多烦恼)
没有你烦我有多烦恼
(没有你烦我有多烦恼多难熬)
穿过云层
我试著努力向你奔跑
爱才送到
你却已在别人怀抱

就是开不了口让她知道
我一定会呵护著你
也逗你笑
你对我有多重要
整颗心...有多重要
我后悔没让你知道
安静的听你撒娇
看你睡著一直到老

就是开不了口让她知道
就是那么简单几句
我办不到
整颗心悬在半空
我只能够远远看著
这些我都做得到
但那个人已经不是我

我就是开不了口
我只能够看著你
在别人怀抱

Love this song! Haha had a nice day chilling out with BECS at SSC miss these long talks with you guys. :) I'm so thankful i met you guys; seriously wouldn't have been able to imagine raffles life without the 3 of you. <3

Labels: BECS, songs

12:30 PM
sparkled;

Sunday, December 06, 2009

just the thought of you can drive me wild;

To you, you and you:
How can you feel happy leading such a painfully boring life!? It's not your fault, it's in your personlity i guess and you're nice like that, but sometimes i just wanna scream grow up, get a life. Your routines and go-by-the-book attitude is so suffocating yknow? The stuff you say, i don't know why but it gets to me. I want to shred every tread of order and model behaviour out.

And you, i miss you so much. I don't even know why. I was expecting that now that i ___________ the feeling would die out but it doesn't seem to be. I keep saying i don't, my rational mind knows that i don't. But why does it feel so horrible knowing this whole thing is over? Sometimes i think i'm a very messed up person. What is it that i want honestly? Why do i keep flitting through peope, through emotions? Even now, just the thought of you can make me smile. And looking at those photos just reminded me that it's two worlds we're in now. It's different tracks. I wish i had treasured that time more, i wish i hadn't held back. I miss everything about you and i know i can't be that lucky again.

Even when you're gone
Somehow you come along
Just like a flower poking the sidewalk crack and just like that
You steal away the rain and just like that

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

And i just want an answer from you y'know. It sucks to think that you haven't crossed the barrier here and if i got a proper no, i know i'd probably be upset for days but i know i'm capable of recovering. I just don't wanna waste more emotional energy any more time guessng, deliberating. I don't want to screw things up.

Labels: :(, songs

10:02 PM
sparkled;

prettiest friend;
there's no denying i'm deferring the facts
avoiding confrontation
lacks tact in a situation
behind every line is a lesson yet to learn

but if you ask me
the feeling that i'm feeling is overwhelming
and oh it goes to show
i've so much to know

i wrote this for my prettiest friend
who while trying not to prove that i care
trying not to make all my moves in one motion and scare her away
well she can't see she's making me crazy now
i don't believe she knows she's amazing how
she has me holding my breathe
so i'd never guess that i'm a none such unsuitable, suitable for her

Just back from standard chartered! I didn't manage to catch a wink of sleep due to the two cans of coffee i drank, pretty exhausted now but i don't feel sleep washing over me yet. Hmm it was a pretty cool and eye-opening experience plus we got 14 hrs of cip, a new balance t-shirt, ice cream vouchers and $20 but the heat, fatigue, sogginess and horrible upper arm tan line were pretty unbearable! Haha the padang ground was soo muddy my newly-washed lee cooper shoes are caked with mud again! And i guess i won't be able to go sleeveless for the next couple of weeks! :(

But it was quite fun cos from 2+ to 7+ we tried to catch some sleep and played a little bridge (i still haven't properly learnt it though:/) under the nightsky.

Our station was drinks stall 21, 2 km away from the finish line, i.e. the 40th km for the full marathon runners. Saw a couple of familiar faces from raffles haha our class cheered alot for Xuan De!

Was kinda worried cause it was 12 pm and the sun was scorching but i still hadn't seen _ yet. Furthermore, i was mislead into assuming the red instead of the white tags were the full marathon runners so i kinda wasn't looking out for the white tagged runners and only found out much later so i was afraid i already missed _. But at 1210, _ appeared!!! :) Hahaha it was super cool cos he really managed to run it through to the very end despite the scorching sun, despite having only max 4 hours of sleep the previous night and despite not having trained as much due to As. Congrats _! :) I really admire your determination - how you promised you would make it through to the end and you did, how you didn't give excuses for the unfavourable physical conditions you were actually in, how you bothered to answer lucidly that you're fine even though you were so burnt out at the 40th km.

Yup so the day ended off rather uneventfully after, mingxuan celes and i cabbed back together.

***
I don't know what i want. I don't want to fight anymore yet i can't let this go.

Labels: :), songs

5:21 PM
sparkled;

Friday, December 04, 2009

cause i can't turn to you when it all falls apart
So, _____ told me about _____ today and while it didn't rile or upset me much, it did drive home the point that i have to stick through with my decision or risk hurting both of us. No, this isn't a matyred sacrifice, i'm just sick of feeling like that and it happens that i want to preserve our friendship.

And my mum's pissed at my sister and me again. Sigh i really hate family disputes. All that drama.

Hmm a couple of things i'm looking forward to this holiday though. Standard chartered marathon - good luck Xuan De, Andrew, Yongsheng! - on sunday, becs/clarks meet ups, ice cream treat and annual christmas gathering with the family. :) I miss my cousins, haven't seen them since before promos! Christmas always dredges up bittersweet memories but i anticipate it all the same each year. Ah well.

Just finished Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. Yeah as if it needs a byline, why not just THE Angels and Demons, and how belated my reading is at that. Haha. Tried reading it couple of years back right after the Da Vinci Code craze but the sci-fi bit was too heavy-going for my layman mind then. But after watching the movie - or half of it, really, the cd conked up on the hotel dvd player - i got so intrigued and got the book out as soon as i got back to Singapore. Thankfully i still have a copy, albeit dust-laden, in my storeroom and i can only describe it as being mind-blowing. The plot's twists and turns were so Dan Brown but smarter, in way, than Da Vinci Code. And i just realised i'm drawn to Dan Brown because his works are a mix of gothic thrillers too hahaha. My favourite genre. :)

Watched a series of not-so-enjoyable movies in the hotel too. Australia was so boring i virtually slept through the movie, Because i said so and Knocked up were okay but draggy and Hangover and Over her Dead Body were okay but stupid.

And thanks _ for the message it really improved my lousy day! <3

Labels: :(, book review, holiday, movie review

11:54 PM
sparkled;

Thursday, December 03, 2009

well it's been a year
I don't know if it's the christmas carols reviving old memories or what but i've been feeling pretty :( recently.

But i've made my decision, just gotta stick by it. I did follow the last one through though, if it's anything to go by.

I don't know what's up with my masochistic streak, why it always seems to be bumpy paths which lead nowhere. It were as though i'm addicted to neglect, fear, paranoia, jealousy, confusion, regret, guilt... I should put an end to this before it furrows deeper right?

I hate feeling this way, honestly. I hate knowing there's a past or guessing which side of the line i'm at or feeling so happy and so sad the next or decoding every line to find the vaguest signs i can manipulate to cheat myself.

Chorus:

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance but you still catch my eye
Tell me baby do you recognise me?
Well it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me

(Happy Christmas!) I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I Love You" I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again

Chorus

(Oooh. Oooh Baby)

A crowded room, friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice
My God I thought you were someone to rely on
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on
A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man undercover but you tore me apart
Oooh Oooh
Now I've found a real love you'll never fool me again

Chorus

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
(Gave you my heart)
A man undercover but you tore me apart
Next year
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special
special
someone
someone
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special
who'll give me something in return
I'll give it to someone
hold my heart and watch it burn
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special
I've got you here to stay
I can love you for a day
I thought you were someone special
gave you my heart
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone
last christmas I gave you my heart
you gave it away
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone

Love this song still, though.

Yup gotta be happy and quit this paranoia addiction, it's as though it's spread its tentacles to every domain and i can't stand it anymore.

Labels: :(, songs

12:44 PM
sparkled;

Sunday, November 29, 2009

can't make it feel right; when you know that it's wrong
你的回话凌乱着在这个时刻
我想起喷泉旁的白鸽甜蜜散落了
情绪莫名的拉扯我还爱你呢
而你断断续续唱着歌假作没事了
时间过了走了爱情面临选择
你冷了倦了我哭了
离开时的不快乐你用卡片手写着
有些爱只给到这真的痛了

怎么了你累了说好的幸福呢
我懂了不说了爱淡了梦远了
开心与不开心一一细数着你再不舍
那些爱过的感觉都太深刻我都还记得
你不等了说好的幸福呢
我错了泪干了放手了后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着要怎么停呢

你的回话凌乱着在这个时刻
我想起喷泉旁的白鸽甜蜜散落了
情绪莫名的拉扯我还爱你呢
而你断断续续唱着歌假作没事了
时间过了走了爱情面临选择
你冷了倦了我哭了
离开时的不快乐你用卡片手写着
有些爱只给到这真的痛了

怎么了你累了说好的幸福呢
我懂了不说了爱淡了梦远了
开心与不开心一一细数着你再不舍
那些爱过的感觉都太深刻我都还记得
你不等了说好的幸福呢
我错了泪干了放手了后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着要怎么停呢

怎么了你累了说好的幸福呢
我懂了不说了爱淡了梦远了
我都还记得
你不等了说好的幸福呢
我错了泪干了放手了后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着要怎么停呢

I apologise for the whineyness but i'm really pretty darned bored and lonely here. Can't get out of my four-walled hotel room much and the beach isn't all that happening after a whole week here. I can't wait to get back, i miss becs clarks and classmates. Kayleigh why can't you get online when it's my slot! (my sis and i are sharing the netbook) :(

And i know it's the right thing to do but i can't help :( just a little every time. I keep thinking what if. What if the hole just digs deeper and it were up to me because i know. I know and i'm not doing anything about it because i lack courage/determination. Tell me what to do. Sometimes i feel like a hypocrite and hate myelf for being unable to let go but what can i do? Should i be honest but selfish then?

But maybe yesterday helped. I really missed/was looking forward to it, but yeah it just felt all too bland. The way it was phrased just put me off even though it was well-meant. The higher your hopes, the harder you fall, no? But it still hurts now. :/

It's like counting down to when this thin thread between us will snap.

I want a life.

Labels: :(, songs

3:39 PM
sparkled;

Saturday, November 21, 2009

cause you and i both love what you and i spoke of
To be honest, i have no idea what i am upset about. There haven't exactly been any catastrophic events in my life of late, i just feel rather fatigued, drained, and tired of everything. Like, there isn't anything really worth going through the motions for. I used to hate myself for living in fantasy, but now that i see things in black and white, in realism... they are a little disappointing.

Call it my inner drama queen, but i miss having something to really live and hope for. I miss knowing (or at least thinking i know) what i want. Thing is, i have a vague idea of what i want, but on deeper analysis, i don't really. I just want to fill this void.

How do i put it? It's as though my life's always gonna be as dull, grey and bland as it is now. There's nothing to drive me.

I tried putting all the gloominess to ____ because it seems to only plausible reason at the moment and although it is one of the contributing factors, it doesn't account for all that emotional lethargy i've been feeling. Yes, i'm disappointed with the whole normalcy of everything, yes i wish there were more to it than now, but i guess i should still be grateful for what i have. And i am. I am thankful for my apparent luck, but there are days when i just wish you were far far away, at least i could cheat myself a little then.

And cramps are so bad. I don't know why but they seem to be getting worse each time. Two neproxen pills daily used to suffice, where penadol failed, in dampening the pain out but it has been worsening since idk when. Stupid cramps have been wearing me out/taking a toll lately; i feel so unbearably fatigued.

Another year has flown by so fast it's scary. I can't imagine us as J2s next year when RJ still feels pretty new and all. It's weird knowing that the seniors won't be there anymore. :/

Maybe we're friends
Maybe we're more
Maybe it's just my imagination
But I see you stare just a little too long
And it makes me start to wonder
So baby call me crazy
But I think you feel it too
Maybe I, Maybe I
Just got to get next to you

And i'll be missing you, honestly.

Labels: :(

1:50 PM
sparkled;

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

so tell me, what happens when it stops?
浪漫手机
轻轻放
我就是卸不下
对你的喜欢
原来爱会慢慢
增加重量
想关上这城市
所有的灯光
黑暗中专心
闻你的发香
这夜晚让两个人
有话冰感
回想
与你约会过的地方
有舍不得的伤
在脑海里储存欣赏
你微笑浏览
手机里的浪漫
原来真心终究
还是这么简单
温馨影幕上
你可爱的模样
关于缘分的解释
我又多传了一行
你微笑浏览
手机里的浪漫
原来爱情可以
来得这么突然
当新的较量
就好比情拉长
我门的感情蔓延
珍藏拥吻着飞扬
在雪里土壤
电池长
嘈杂的情歌
还在拼命播放
我安静在那
却都没点印象
有一些话到老了
都不敢传
她说她信息
等你在回难
简单说人潮冲动
我的孤单
想象
信息一定都陪在
你身旁
却不会吟唱
你也在等你手机响
你微笑浏览
手机里的浪漫
原来真心终究
还是这么简单
温馨影幕上
你可爱的模样
关于缘分的解释
我又多传了一行
你微笑浏览
手机里的浪漫
原来爱情可以
来得这么突然
当新的较量
就好比情拉长
我门的感情蔓延
珍藏拥吻着飞扬
在雪里土壤

Yes rational. I can't keep being so emotionally irresponsible, just going with what feels good/what makes me happy now. What happens when it stops? Hmm super tired now:/

Labels: songs

6:45 PM
sparkled;

Saturday, November 07, 2009

and i pray that you feel it too
yes, it is that feeling,
the sort of brimming happiness which seems to seep uncontained,
(yet running deep)
warming,
warming,
warming.

it is that feeling;
i recognise it
by the telltale countours of this smile,
the rush of heat against cheekbones:
the first flushes of
heart flutters.

like a switch unexpectedly flicked,
flooding the dingyed mazes of my labyrinth
with slow, soft illumination -
i see the light.

not floaty
the way breath constricts when pretty eyes glance by
for yours are not, but they lull me in
as they interlock mine
amidst whispers over the shoulder.

untainted yet,
by lust's lurid light stick.
they shed too much light
and we are but sifting figures
casting shadows (though long)
just for the moment.

it is just that feeling,
strongest on typical Friday nights,
just us, knee-to-knee on jam-packed buses;
every move a maneuvre dilema
(what if you knew because i didn't recoil at your touch?)

it is just that feeling,
the engulfing emotional closeness,
when these souls shed their facades,
that should have bordered on claustrophobia, yet leaves me
inching for more.

it is just that feeling,
that i could tell you anything, everything.
except the one i turn over ceaselessly,
afraid to commit to anything
but the recesses of this paper.

and i hope you know this feeling,
and i pray that you feel it too.

Labels: poem

7:28 PM
sparkled;

Friday, November 06, 2009

when you have to look away, when you don't have much to say.
haha this few days have been pretty fun. (: Watched the long-anticipated My Sister's Keeper with Celes and Eunice on Monday amk hub. The show was so so so sad. 10mins into the show and i was already crying till the end. Yes, that coming from someone who hardly ever tears in movies. For the first time, Eunice and Celes were more dry-eyed than i was at the end of a movie! I still preferred the book though, don't really like the changed ending. The actors were soso too, although i felt Cameron Diaz acted pretty well, especially considering how she actually doesn't have kids herself. And i can't believe they actually shaved their heads for the movie! :O

I particularly loved the scenes where Sara Fitzgerald shaved her head just because Kate, who was bald from chemo, felt too ugly to leave the house, Kate apologising to all her family members for the trouble her illness has brought, and when Anna asks Kate if she will wait for her in heaven. Really touching, although i felt that the movie focused more on Sara's maternal love for Kate than the sisterly bond between Anna and Kate.

Without doubt, My Sister's Keeper is Jodi Picoult's best book to me! I wish they would adapt Nineteen Minutes and The Pact too.

And yesterday it was class cycling at ECP. Super fun, although i was crazy shacked after that; slept all the way from ECP to AMK Hub when i took the bus home with Liza, Van and Vera.

Oh Liza is reaaaaaally pro she learnt cycling within 20 minutes wthh. Haha and i fell from the bike for the first time yesterday because i wasn't concentrating and cycled into the grass patch. Luckily i broke the fall so it wasn't that bad. Haha my shirt was super dirty after that though, was so unstable initially and kept cycling into mud puddles! The whole class got drenched like crazy later because there was a heavy downpour and we had to cycle back in the rain to return our bikes so we ended up changing and drying up at macs. And before that we had to stop cycling halfway, carry the bikes in and wait at the food centre because of the rain. Fun ttm though! Haha and before the cycling the girls had like gossip session, discussing class scandals (or the lack thereof) and who were the bestlooking/cutest/most classmates hahaha.

And i realise our class guys are super gentlemanly. :O Like Moses who kept having to change gears for Amanda and me, helping everyone get drinks, and slowing down to make sure no one was left behind, Dong for carrying the bikes, cycling back to help us everytime we slowed down, checking the brakes for us and adjusting our seats to the correct height, Jon Lee for being super patient and all, and Zeb for offering help when we were tired. Haha we met this cute little boy, Lester, and his older brother at macs. Started talking to Lester (Van insists i was hitting on him! :O) but his brother cut in midway and actually said 'shut up' :O Rude ttm, and so typical of a 12 year old preteen, so i was like 'see all these korkors here must learn from them to be more gentlemanly' and actually meant it! lol.

Lyn was saying that this class is super normal and i couldn't have agreed more. 'Normal' to describe a class? After my ex class, 3G seriously felt like heaven in its normality man haha.

Yup PW OP presentation next thurs, can't wait to get it over and done with man!

Labels: 10S03G, :), movie review, outing

6:15 PM
sparkled;

when what hurts him hurts you too
read it somewhere and thought it made a lot of sense. yeah that's the way it's supposed to feel.

Labels: random musings

1:40 AM
sparkled;

Sunday, November 01, 2009

i miss you
i miss you sg. Seems so long ago that i'd meet you every day, i really really miss that happy, exciting period of time in term 3 when everything was so straightforward. Or the period right before promos/during j2 prelims where we would meet every day at MB. And i know i shouldn't disturb you now because of As and all but still. Nowadays, little encounters in school are like stealing time. "Hi, Bye." Ah well. I haven't felt that exhilarating rush of excitement or that uncontained bliss in a long long while. ):

Hmm. We received our promos papers already, did okay juxtaposed against what i expected but obviously it was a fluke, with even my teachers admitting that. Mum's pretty annoyed with my attitude after hearing the complains from Mrs Ng, Dr Chan and Mrs Khoo. Thankfully my math and gp teacher haven't gotten back to her yet. :/

On another note, i caught This is it on Friday with Liza, Amanda, Vera, Biang, Dong and Xuan De. Cause Xuan De and i had op rehearsal with Van and Marcus right before that, we ended up having to run like lunatics all the way to The Cathay, and ended up making everyone late for the show. Haha Van brought her sister to op prac, and we ran into Rebecca walking to marymount later, so we embarrassed Xuan De by introducing him as Lee SD hahaha.

The movie was okay though. Some parts were a little boring because all they showed were concert footages. Yet i must admit that it was a good idea the movie was made, at least to allow the world a peek into what could have been. Although i am no Michael Jackson fan, it made me kinda sad knowing how much he invested in that concert, and how it never materialized. Based on the rehearsal footage, it looked like it would have been phenomenal. Too bad it was never completed. Well, what can i say? The world has lost an unparalleled talent way before his time.

Oh and heard from Amanda, who was sitting beside him, that Xuan De kept singing throughout the show and going "walao really damn high" but hitting the notes anyway :O Then Biang and Dong started waving their hands in front of the whole cinema in the national-day-parade-mass-singing kinda way when they played Heal the World -.- hahaha 10S03G is amusing :D

Then we ate at astons later but Kitty had to go for tuition :P The queue took 1.5 hours omg. Midway Vera, Amanda and i went window shopping, leaving the guys to queue and when we got back we started complaining about how inconsiderate the customers inside were, playing psp and all while we starved and whined outside. To our embarrassment, we realised the topmost windows were opened so they could actually hear us! :O:O

Yup that kinda concluded the This is it movie. I want to watch Dear John and My Sister's Keeper! And Gone with the Wind is showing today yepp :)

Labels: :(, outing, school

3:41 PM
sparkled;

Sunday, October 25, 2009

maybe it's better this way
K Jon Lee just reminded me that bio tutorial's due tomorrow when i haven't freaking done it. Come to think of it, i don't even know what topic it is... :/

And we're receiving our promo papers tomorrow. :O I wonder how many i'll pass man. I just hope i do okay in the papers i invested effort in (k like one paper haha). I guess knowing that the whole class is promoted takes off the weight of suspense greatly though. And as if that weren't bad enough, i'm supposed to have memorized my op script by tomorrow for the practice but obviously i haven't. Oh man it's post-promos will you give me a break rj?

and :(:( i think it's better this way but i can't help feeling :( Sometimes i think i'm really a very stupid girl who enjoys being wedged in some doldrum of selfpity and despair.

Labels: :(, school, stupidity

5:46 PM
sparkled;

Saturday, October 24, 2009

never did, never will.
Sometimes i wonder what's wrong with me.
Am i really so pathetically emotionally-dependent that all the time i feel this pressing need to fill the gapping hole, self-created or otherwise, in my life?

I hate this sort of emotional dependence, like i always need to feel cared for, thought about. More often than not, i find myself unable to differentiate between emotional dependence or more. And maybe the underlying problem is my insecurities that make independence without constant validation seem so out of reach.

Anyway, i watched Becoming Jane in the library with Liza yesterday and it was really good. Comparable to Joe's Wrights' movie adaptation of Pride and Prejudice, or perhaps even better. It was interesting to get a glimpse into the psyche and emotional make-up of this renowned authoress, however factually faulty it may be. It is true though, after validation from wiki, that Jane Austen was indeed romantically-linked to Irish lawyer Tom Lefroy at one point in her life, and that his eldest daughter was named Jane.

I love the scene where she was dancing sulkily with Wisely until Lefroy waltzed in serenely during the change of partners section of the dance. Anne Hathaway really acted pretty well there; you could totally see the glum expression blossom into smiles and an inner glow of bliss. Guess that's what love does to people.

The part where it was revealed, say twenty years later, that Lefroy named his first daughter Jane was really moving, and so were Jane's lines that all her heroines would be rewarded with all that they desire, vicariously living out her love story.

Isn't the notion that Darcy was actually crafted based on a real man so exhilarating? It does seem to infuse hope that the likes of Darcy actually exist amidst the failings of an imperfect world. All hail Literature's most sauve and dashing hero. :) And along that vein, i actually can't imagine how Wuthering Heights' tortured, twisted, angsty Heathcliffe measures up!

Andd, i love/hate this feeling.

Labels: movie review, random musings, stupidity

12:31 AM
sparkled;

Saturday, October 17, 2009

I'm about 90% positive that the affliction i'll succumb to one day is cramps. It's been hurting like crazy today and i don't even know if i should take the blue pill or just penadols because it's not even the day! I practically feel soft from the pain. :/

Anyway Eunice and I attended Rebecca's art exhibition at school tonight. It really was worth the long trip to and from school despite it being a holiday for J1s today. We really did some catching up and yup the exhibition was pretty insightful, much more fun than i had expected initially. I used to be a quasi-philistine where art was concerned becauses I just don't see the beauty in contemporary art. Splashes of paint people term 'art' just by virtue of being works of renowned artistes always bordered on hypocrisy in my book. If Art is a means of self-expression, an encapsulation of the soul and a momento of the heart, shouldn't it really reflect an artist's emotions rather than his manipulation of nature to create unfathomable, allegedly-arty-farty pieces?

But today's exhibition really enlightened me to the many creative ways art can be harnessed as a tool for self-expression. For instance, the impressionist art form that i was particularly attracted to. Rebecca briefly explained that it meant to capture life as a frame in time. Apparently, in second, the eyes only absorb blurry snapshots, and it is only when strung together do they produce meaning. I guess that's what those impressionist artists were trying to capture - the reality of a flash. (I'm probably wrong on many counts, though, having no grounding in art whatsoever.)

I particularly loved the art film on waiting, and the series of paintings (for want of a better term) depicting how transcient people passing our lives are. Each of these paintings depicted people who were so alive and real, typecasts prevalent on our streets, yet as we pass them by (as we did in the art room), they all become little more fleeting figures that leave no imprint in our minds. I like how the artist captured the reality of the everyman - the precise slouch of an old lady, the way the modern woman is always armed with shopping bags and her cellphone... all these made the experience yet more realistic.

12:23 AM
sparkled;

Friday, October 16, 2009

at the beginning with you
So i finished The Last Juror by John Grishan today. Haha it was pretty engaging, quite the page-turner. However, the plot was a little too predictable and some parts were over-generous in its recounting. Actually i don't really like John Grisham's style, which is largely akin to that of James Patterson, except better. They both write in a typical American way - although what the 'cookie-cutter American-style writing' is i can't properly define. Factual, simple. Guess i prefer the beautiful, lengthy detailing of emotional intricacies so prevalent in the works of authors like Carlos Ruiz Zafon, Phillipa Gregory and Elizabeth Kostova. Books that pivot around their characters, not their many subplots. Books that boast deft and creative manipulation of the English language to stir emotion, flesh a character, and bring a story to life.

Hmm i watched Winter Sonata's first two episodes again today (yeah i know, for the billionth time), love it totally! Guess it kinda me of how i properly met _, i.e. when we were both late that time. Where the Winter Sonata's leads we camped at ri secretly before stealing back into the rj campus. Quite fun actually. No wonder i found our meeting so engaging. :)

And i met _ again today by fate!:)

Actually i guess i have to thank God for all the memories we had. Even if he's leaving, even if we aren't meant to be, even if we don't like each other, at least i still have fond memories of all the late nights walking back together, hiding together to avoid white slips, stolen moments along corridors... yep happy times. :)

Was telling Liza i'm glad i still have all these memories to reminisce after we graduate and all, and she pointed out that they only serve as reminders, making the forgetting process more strenous. And i was kinda reminded how hard it was forgetting everything UB said, all the things we did together...

Memories are a double-edged sword, don't you think? They bring you so much comfort and joy, yet are such stumbling blocks when you're trying to forget. Oh well, thank God i'm so past that stage.

Labels: :), book review

12:25 AM
sparkled;

Sunday, October 11, 2009

pretty smiles
Of late, i have been attempting to pick up on my long-forsaken reading - the last novel i read being a whole two months ago - after discovering (to my profound horror) that i can barely phrase sentences coherently these days. And trying to convey what i really mean always takes hours of brain-wracking.

Vanessa and i were discussing that day that the longer we immerse ourselves in this pure science environment, the greater the dispense of language, and the more rusty our writing becomes. The academic training of a scientist seems to develop in each a propensity to convert words into numbers or symbols. Isn't it a little tragic how words mean nothing in a Chemistry paper until transposed into equations and diagrams? It just dawned on me recently that every paper i take requires the use of a calculator, even for my humanities subject.

Little wonder why our arts counterparts excel far more at the General Paper. They have ample practice in writing - in Literature, History, Geography, Art...

On a less academic note,

i am really craving a sumptuous meal.

my skin has degenerated yet again, i hate break outs ttm!

i feel kinda guilty for my languor, imagine that.

my two tables are still cluttered with worksheets, files and knick knacks even though i promised my mum i'd have them cleared out by friday

i have yet to execute my resolution of reading the papers every day :(

BECS we should go out, i haven't spent time with you guys in forever. (Although they won't see this because they don't have my blog password.

i just can't summon the drive to start clearing my table again.

trying on a couple of my shorts today has enlightened me to the unpleasant knowledge that my weight has burgeoned to a point beyond control,

which means i have essentially leapt from a US size 2 to a 6 or 8 all in a matter of months (all right 9 months but still!)

which translates to gymmmm (for the first time since march)

yet i just can'tcan'tcan't pluck up the determination to take the lift down to my gym

which demonstrates my crazy laziness which got me to this obesity in the first place.

i am contemplating filling my walls with posters of Jessica Alba, Megan Fox and the like, if only to inspire me to gym.

i am bored hence this senseless post, yet i've a million things on the checklist and don't exactly want to begin yet.

i'm dying for a new korean drama, recommendations anyone?

i have no idea why, but i haven't been thinking about _ much lately hahaha. Out of sight, out of mind?

Nicholas said remedial/H3 students, i.e. me and no prizes for guessing which category i belong in, probably have to continue reporting to school for lessons till 26 Nov, which sucks. So that's max, one month of break before Hell, i.e. jc life, breaks loose again. :/

Some days i see my future as a world-weary soul who spends her after-work hours sipping vodka or whatever at a tasteful pub tailored to meet the demands of people who suffer from my similar affliction. We wouldn't talk despite the mutual understanding that we share the same grievances. Because that's how wearied we are. Too tired even to seek the derived satisfaction from shared misery. And we all listen to the same jazz band belting out the same old songs about melancholy.

And other days i picture knee-length, swishing white dresses, floating about meadows, much akin to the female lead in Jamie Scott's When will i see your face again...

Anyway, i love this song. :)
"Quando, Quando, Quando"
Tell me when will you be mine
Tell me quando quando quando
We can share a love divine
Please don't make me wait again

When will you say yes to me
Tell me quando quando quando
You mean happiness to me
Oh my love please tell me when

Every moments a day
Every day seems a lifetime
Let me show you the way
To a joy beyond compare

I can't wait a moment more
Tell me quando quando quando
Say its me that you adore
And then darling tell me when

Every moments a day
Every day seems a lifetime
Let me show you the way
To a joy beyond compare

I can't wait a moment more
Tell me quando quando quando
Say its me that you adore
And then darling tell me when

Whoa lover tell me when
Oh darling tell me when
Oh come on tell me when
Yea tell me when

Okay rambling... done with this fatuous post!

Labels: mundane stuffies, random musings, songs

5:12 PM
sparkled;

oh look what you've done
So promos are finally over. I know it seems to call for celebration but as much as i feel liberated, the whole after-promos vibes doesn't come off as celebratory as last year's post-EYAs...

Watched The Ugly Truths with Liza, Kayleigh and Rachel after Wednesday's Bio paper. Haha it was darned funny albeit being a tad too crass, crude and cliched. All right by typical chickflick standards though.

Walked around Ion for awhile too. It's my first time there so i was pretty awed by its state-of-the-art technology, especially where the toilets are concerned haha. And we had lunch at lido to relieve old times. :)

Finally went back collect my Chinese O-level results from rg after the movie. It's my first time back in 9 months :O:O. Besides the freshly-painted walls and the newly-installed visitor's launge outside the GO, hardly anything has changed. In fact, leaving the GO, i almost followed my usual routine of checking the 410 class tray for any late announcements, then realised it belonged to 410'09, not '08.

Yet, the feeling was really ambiguous. On one hand, the intuitive familiarity made it seem like i never left, yet there was this vibe that spelled out clearly that i am no longer a pupil there, that although i miss the place, i'll never see it from the eyes of an rg student again. oh well. :/

Watched Winter Sonata today for the billionth time on kayleigh's advice and i must say it helps a little in imbuing idealism/romanticism in my head again hahaha.

Labels: movie review, reminiscence

12:15 AM
sparkled;

Sunday, October 04, 2009

I miss sec 4. :(

Life, aside from promos, is okay now i guess. Okay as in not diabolical, okay as in a huge improvement from the emotion-charged frenzy of yesteryear (which isn't so far back in the past as i've made it sound actually), okay as in bearable. But a far cry from the sunnied, simple pleasures of 2008. Haha i know i'm probably painting a picture of reminscence of at least ten years but it does feel very long ago!

It seems eons ago that my posts were peppered with words like 'anti-establishment' and 'enigmatic', descriptors that have since become obsolete since the person they were used on ceased to exist in this little bubble.

I miss long toilet breaks, emo talks, stalking Mr A and Mr J. I miss lessons i could sleep through and still do okay for. I miss lit lessons in the CLC when we would complain incessantly about having to walk there every lit lesson, yet enjoying the almost-free one block gossiping and laughing. I miss being sure of myself. I miss having my closest friends beside me 24/7. I miss feeling like i had everything i could wish for.

Labels: reminiscence

1:22 AM
sparkled;

Friday, October 02, 2009

the reason why.
Omg i hate promos. Screwed up econs and gp. I wonder what will be next.

And the Chem '07 promo paper is darned hard. So that was what rj's chem standard was like in the golden years haha 08's paper was like darned easy by comparison with 07.

And mathhh, i'm screwed for math.

Oh not to mention i only did 4 topics of Bio.

hahaha. I think i've gotten over that crazy frenzy i was in last week/the week before where everyone was like "omg promos mug mug mug" and so i did too but now i'm just adopting that cavalier, lackadaisical attitude towards everything, no idea why either. Probably because i know there ain't hope anymore.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
-Marilyn Monroe

Okay Marilyn Monroe i sure hope you're right. :O:O

Labels: mundane stuffies

10:24 PM
sparkled;

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

sigh
I don't think i can take mugging any longer seriously. Feel super burnt out. I think i've bypassed stressed to actually feel kinda down because of promos?:( I'm so so so unprepared. I don't believe it's just a day away.

I wish you were here.

(yes, regardless of how ah beng it sounds<3)

This is the first time in a long time that i actually feel like crying from studying? And there's just nothing to spur me on cause food, like any other drug, has lost its effect after an overdose. I always crave food when i'm mugging but today i really don't because i've been munching all day anyway and i just feel like puking at the thought of food now.

On another note, i cut my hair. It's now super short, shortest since at least 3 years back!

Labels: :(

12:00 AM
sparkled;

Sunday, September 27, 2009

promospromospromos
Intensive mugging! Slacked on friday and woke up late on Saturday so i only got down to work at 5 pm (!!!) and stopped at 7. Then met Mingxuan later at 10+ where we attempted mugging while my sister watched Man U vs Stokes. When the game ended (around 12?), Mingxuan and i had to walk her back to my aunt's and on the way back to sun plaza we stopped by the fitness corner (yeah wth, at 12+) and slacked around. So by the time we got back to macs and actually started mugging it was like 1? And when we left at 630 i had only completed like 100 Chem MCQs, i.e. about 20/hr when we're supposed to go at 40/hr in the actual paper. Goshh.

But overnight mugging is pretty fun/effective because it's so quiet and there's just you and your books, do or die. Haha. But going to the toilet was super scary cause there isn't one within macs itself and we have to walk past KFC, Mos and Cavana to reach the toilet. And it's super dark, cold and lonely at night with a few lone souls. Then breakfast at 4am hahah hotcakes. It was quite funny cause we saw this girl crashing on the macs table through the night. Sure i did nap a little too but i swear i didn't see her awake any of the moments i was awake!!!

Then went back to my aunt's at 630 where i bathed and slept till 11+. Was super shagged seriously. Lunched with the family later, love lunches like that. :) Met Josy at mos for part II of mugging which was super super unproductive cause the beloved waitress fussed about how we were taking up her precious seats so we had to move to macs then coffee bean.

And in the end it was so annoying we gave up mugging outside so Mingxuan and i came to my condo's study room. Seriously the best place to mug! But i was so burnt out/shagged, totally gave up after awhile so we started talking about the good ol' days.

Hahahaha he stills remembers the time 3.5 years ago when we were talking on the phone and i was super terrified during CAP Sem cause i'd to go to the hostel toilet 3 floors away from my room at 2am and i had NO ROOMMATE to accompany me. He even remembers i was listening to In the End by Linkin' Park wth hahahahha. Then we realised we've both changed a lot from the angsty, i-hate-my-life fourteen-year-olds we were back then haha. It's funny seeing how people change as they grow up, and they pointing out how much you have, too.

On another note, i've decided to mug at the study room from now onwards rather than face the wrath of a crazy waitress. Unless i get to meet _ that is! Hahahaha.

Promos are really really taking a toll on me and that's only after 2.5 weeks of intensive mugging. I don't know if i can hold out through till the week after next. And i really have no idea how i'm going to survive this period next year. Already my skin's started to suffer the consequences of stress and neglect. :/ Blemish-free skin is GONE AGAIN! :(

Labels: friends, mugging sessions, reminiscence

11:32 PM
sparkled;

Saturday, September 26, 2009

when will i see your face again

Here i am, everyday,
Since you said, you'd come again,
But it's not fair, cos you're not here,
I wait in vain, but nothing has changed,

I'm a flower, soaking in the rain,
If i could wish one thing, I'd hear you call my name,

(Chorus)

So when will I see your face again,
When will you touch my life again (ohh yeah),
When will I breathe you in again (ha),
I think i love you...will I see your face again,

(2nd Verse)

Little thing, like the rain coming,
She looked at me a certain kind of way,
Tell me girl, where are you now,
'Cos I don't know how much longer I can wait,

I'm a dreamer, waiting for the sun,
When you're coming in, I know my life's begun,
Tell me girl...

(Chorus)
So when will I see your face again,
When will you touch my life again (ohh yeah),
When will I breathe you in again (ha), I think i love you...will I see your face again,

(Bridge)

You know that all my life I've been waiting,
Waiting for someone like you to love me,
You can't come by like an angel into my life
And then fly away, fly away

(Chorus)
So when will I see your face again,
When will you touch my life again (ohh yeah),
When will I breathe you in again (ha),
I think i love you...will I see your face again,

I said, see
That's what we do yeaahhh (ohh),
When will i see your face again my friend
Oh yeah, i think you gotta let me know yeah
Ohh yeahhh...

Love this song! Like the way it uses i think i love you like the way Colbie Calliet goes i don't know but i think i may be falling for you in Fallin' for you, rather than in the definite i love you way that most songs go.

Hmm i was going through my old blog drafts and realised that as recent as end-July, i was still going on about UB, but now it just seems so very distant, like it's been ages since UB occupied a space in my life (and a very large one at that).

So went to mug in the library again yesterday. It was so silly how i only went for Chem lecture yesterday - ponned Bio and GP tutorials in the morning with Liza, Amanda, Vanessa and Dong in the morning, and Bio and Econs lectures later with Liza and Biang in the afternoon. Wasn't really productive yesterday though. I finished Atomic Structure and started on Stoichio, but for a whole day's work, it's darned little, especially considering i was halfway done with Atomic Structure the night before anyway.

And all because _ was sitting in the canteen looking damn cute in home clothes! They just finished their prelims yesterday so he went to play bball and changed out to go out later. Oh man _'s really really cute i met him in the morning at bishan and he was super late for his physics paper! When we we reached the sidegate it was like 750 already and all the j2s were already outside the ISH and he still hadn't dumped his stuff in the locker and his paper was in the MPH which is like even further woahh. And _ has a grand total of five shirts hahahaha. :) Of which some may be from his brother so it's like... haha anyway i won't be seeing _ for the next two weeks! :( so my blog will be relatively _-free? haha.

Funny how i can feel kinda relaxed about promos when i'm only prepping for two out of four subjects, the minimum to scrape a promotion.

So after dismissal, Celes, Liza, Rachel and i proceded to mug in the library till about 6 and we went for dinner at the newly-opened Mana Cafe at our school drop-off point. Surprise, surprise it's actually Belicia's mum's shop and she was helping out there! :O Yeah i was really shocked to see her there, but it's been a long time since we last saw each other. Oh man how i miss those innocent times of primary school when we used to camp out at each other's house, go to the zoo together and even had the same crush. Nothing beats the innocence and bliss of one's childhood seriously.

Anyway, was talking talking to Fiona yesterday about people's perceptions and stuff, and for the first time, it really felt like airing all the little insecurities and discomforts and the back of my mind... Sometimes i feel like i'm really always putting up this facade. I'm not saying i try to be a completely different person altogether, but bits and pieces are really constructed to emphasize certain qualities and diminish others. It's like i don't have the courage to just be myself 24/7 because i fear judgement, criticism. I've learnt that riding the moral high horse is always the way to go in avoiding questions into my female integrity.

And yes, i do like that persona, and i am what i portray - up to a limited extent.

Sometimes i feel like i'm choosing safe ground. I keep some of my views silent because they are controversial. I've learnt that a girl is as good as her reputation, and for that rep sacrifices on her own personality should be made.

How true and sensible, so why can't i do that for myself?

Yet it feels so hard to start from now. To drop all facades, to stop conforming to what i should be, what a girl should be. Because i'm too accustomed to playing that role, to having that persona. Because i've spent so much time being what i am now, i've forgotten what i was prior to this. And of course, because facades are your first shield against the judging eye.

Sigh i really really need a dose of inspirational film/chickflick now.

Labels: :), random musings, school, songs

12:49 PM
sparkled;

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

i'm taking pictures in my mind so i can save them for a rainy day;
Pictures like the way you look so amused at little things or the look you have when you're deep in thought... haha i know as time progresses from now till As i'll be seeing you less and less so sometimes i catch myself trying to imprint these little things into my memory for days when i'm not going to see you.

Been mugging quite a fair bit lately. More than my sec 4 MYA/EYA combined mugging, but even then i know i won't finish the syllabus for the year and am aiming for just two passes because i started mugging too late. JC life is madness seriously. I know it isn't about RJ culture because it's what the A-level syllabus demands. A pre-requisite of JC seems to be signing off two years of your life memorizing formulas, diagrams, world knowledge and all that for that exclusive spot in a renowned university, or at least a prestigious faculty in a local college. But after a day's mugging the sense of satisfaction and accomplishment really makes everything seem worth the while, if only for that minute haha.

The library was packed to the brim as usual today, or perhaps even more so due to the influx of pw groups chioning out the final WR. We finally printed and bound our WR today, so all that's left for now till the end of pw is OP, huge load off man. :)

Anyway, the past two days have been pretty great despite the intensive mugging. Met _ yesterday and he was super friendly/jokey, much unlike his morose self of the past 1.5 months and my sister said he looked back twice when we were mugging at the table behind him. :) And he looked at her when he came in haha. :) all the awkwardness between us since the ______ incident has sort of dissipated yay.:) Prior to yesterday we still talked and all but there was always this barrier that screamed okay it's not normal.

Anyway was so engrossed in my normal distribution question i didn't notice _ walking (the long way!) over to say bye until he tapped my shoulder. :) Haha then _ realised i was having difficulty doing Math so he sat down and started solving the question. :)

So happened i was doing Stats, which was the paper they had that morning hahaha. But because he had a paper the next morning, i.e. today, i didn't want to take up his time and asked him to go home but he was all, 'haha it's okay i'm going home to play dota anyway' wtp!! Haha and just before he left he was like 'must study harder okay!' I was all, 'look who's speaking, the one who's going to dota in the midst of prelims' and he replied condescendingly that at least he managed to solve my question when i couldn't. hahaha.

Oh and for once _ wasn't wearing the raffles shirt or his secondary sch shirt but the ABC singlet he wore the other time hahaha i swear _ only has 3 shirts! :O

I miss walking back with _ when it's super late and it's just us. :) Haha i think it's kinda shameless writing all these but heck my blog's password-protected and fewer than 5 people know the pass so wtv, wth i'll just happliy type all i want about _.:) I realise all posts about _ are always peppered with smileys. :):)

Speaking of which... I met _ this morning at marymount too! :):) I feel so so lucky for all these stolen moments. Granted, we aren't close friends. Granted, i don't know your favourite colour (although i'm guessing blue given that everything you own is blue), your friends, your ambitions. Granted, i'm just a junior to you. Granted, we don't have anything in common. But i still feel glad for whatever time we spend together because you really make me smile like no other. :)

Labels: :), school

10:59 PM
sparkled;

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

for every stolen moment<3
So it's 110 am and i haven't started on Econs essay, Bio tutorials and Bio essays. Great. I seriously feel like crying. Mugging today enlightened me to the fact that promos are descending in freaking 9 days and i'm really really really not prepared. I couldn't do chem bonding or graphing techniques at all?

And pw is really taking a toll on me physically and mentally. We camped in school till 10+ last saturday until the security guards switched off all the lights and we were left stranded in the dark? I really have no idea what i'd do if, after all this sacrifice, we still can't get our As for it. ):

Anyway _, please laugh as much as you did today. I miss your smile.

Sometimes, happy, alone moments with _ feel like stolen time. They occur so rarely, last so short, and feel so much. Something as insignificant as _ noticing how i held the broom can make me smile for ages and brim with a sort of uncontained happiness because he noticed, because he thought it was funny, because it made him laugh.

It's been so long, almost a month ago!

And idk why but i'm a total klut around _!:( Let's think, spilled coke, popcorn, chocolates... oh no! Little wonder why he couldn't help laughing today.

It's just really nice being this close, like when i look up to contemplate my graphing transformations and you're right smack facing me with similar thoughtful mannerisms such that i have to lift my math book 90 degrees to hide my smile. Or when our eyes sometimes meet across the table and we start talking. :) Or when we happen to notice the same funny thing, catch each other's eye and laugh. :) Or when you look out the glass and notice i'm doing something really embarrassing outside and you laugh and i mouth "stop laughing" and you raise your eyebrow. :) Or when i accuse you of not bothering to help and you remind me that i spilled popcorn on your table once and left so you had to clear up after me (and i never knew you did till today). :) Or when you take the long way out just to wave bye. :)

I love the way your stuff are always so clean and new looking, unlike those of other guys and even most of mine. I love how you never fail to clear your tray and wipe up the table to make sure you don't leave a place dirtier than when you came. I love how you always come in your regular ensemble of clothese: the same raffles shirt, shorts, white havaianas and brown bag. The longer you know somebody, the more you know about him, and the more qualities you find likable... guess that's what 细水长流means? :)

Sorry i'm going on and on about this but i just wanna write happy stuff down so i'll remember. :)

Anyway, saw this really sweet quote.

Labels: :), rants

1:08 AM
sparkled;

Thursday, September 17, 2009

feverish.
Feel kinda shitty now because i'm running a fever of 38 degrees currently. Down from last night, but still feels bad anyway.

Sometimes, like now, i have this emotional vacuum where there really aren't any feelings, just being consumed with physical sensations, e.g. the splitting headache, the rising heat or the dull ache at the knee...

I realise that i can't remember precisely where i went/what i did over the september hols, save knowing there were a lot of spaces filled with school. My short term memory is that bad. Think i should document everyday events in my life more often, just for future reminiscing's sake, so...

This week has been pretty darned stressful thanks to WR edits (we slept at 2 am on Monday just trying to rush it out). I realise i really can't mug during term because i'm just so darned fatigued after school already...

Been going to MB pretty often lately. And because i spilled coke on my skirt i went to the toilet just in time to run into _, on his way home from buying fulscap pads from popular. I was totally omg when i saw the familiar train of his white secondary school shirt against the black rj shorts haha.

And yesterday, because i went to school late, i met _ at Marymount going home after prelims. :) Sometimes i want to pyscho myself that it's fate. Fate that _ lives so near, that we were late the other time together, that i just gotta spill coke on my skirt, hence having to go to the toilet at that precise moment, that he happened to be going down the Marymount escalator at the exact moment i was going up on the adjacent one, that we happened to be in the same house and therefore have the same lockers... Yet, deep down i know i'm just trying to self-delude into believing there's going to be more to us than now.

And _'s been looking so stressed lately, kinda not used to seeing him that solemn. :/ I wanted to say, take care, don't stress and all that but all i could say that day was "how was the paper?" What i would give to return to just a month ago when he would still whistle to the toilet, play bball after school, crack the stupidest, cutest jokes... Hmm guess Liza's wise words kinda enlightened me. Poor _.

Oh and i met x and * at Bishan yesterday too. So it was quite funny cause i was going to school late at 1030 and they were leaving early to go lan or whatever. And last night i dreamt that i finally summoned the courage to yell at and punch *. Weird dream haha. Probably fuelled by the fever. oh well.

Labels: mundane stuffies

10:26 AM
sparkled;

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

if i don't try and i don't hope

What can i do to make you love me - The Corrs
I haven't slept at all in days
It's been so long since we've talked
And I have been here many times
I just don't know what I'm doing wrong

What can I do to make you love me
What can I do to make you care
What can I say to make you feel this
What can I do to get you there

There's only so much I can take
And I just got to let it go
And who knows I might feel better
If I don't try and I don't hope

What can I do to make you love me
What can I do to make you care
What can I say to make you feel this
What can I do to get you there

No more waiting, No more aching
No more fighting, No more trying

Maybe there's nothing more to say
And in a funny way I'm calm
Because the power is not mine
I'm just gonna let it fly

What can I do to make you love me
What can I do to make you care
What can I say to make you feel this
What can I do to get you there

Love me..

Love this song! Forgot about its existence until i heard it again at mos the other day. :) Think it speaks volumes about giving up on trying and leaving it up to fate. It takes immense faith to just "leave it up to God" but i want to be able to summon that faith, not just in myself, but in God too.

Been mugging quite a bit lately. I doubt i've spent a single holiday mugging as hard as i did over the sept hols since p6 maybe? But i guess it ain't a lot compared to others. I haven't started on a single topic for math, have only started on term 3 work for Bio, kinda finished term 3 work for chem, and nothing at all for Econs.

I miss rg alot! To think there even existed a no-homework policy back then.... Innocent, good times man. And i'm usually too fatigued after school to even muster an iota of mental or physical strength to even complete the day's work, much less mug. And i know even if i give it a 110% from now, it can't do much to mitigate the months of slacking. JC life is scary, seriously.

Labels: school, songs

11:23 PM
sparkled;

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Sometimes, when you try to fill the gaping hole in your heart with other things, it just gets bigger. Sometimes, when you try to replace people with people, you end up growing too attached to the ones who were meant to be mere distractions, Sometimes, when you keep psycho-ing yourself to believe in something, you really do in the end and even if a part of you knows that it isn't true, these emotions are products of your over-active imagination, it hurts all the same.

What happens when the only thing that could possibly make you smile now is part of the reason you're unhappy?

It's like this whole affair is getting way too serious for comfort. Still, part of me knows part of me is, to quote kayleigh, merely going through the motions because i need to fill the emotional vacuum. And the sound part of me is whispering that you don't really care and that i mean nothing to you. I'm not saying this in the spiteful, whiney way like "he doesn't give a damn about me", it's more a matter-of-fact that i recognise we aren't anything more than casual acquaintances actually. And the weirdest thing is, part of me doesn't really care because this thing for you isn't even really real.

Yet a part of me still secretly hopes to meet you, still smiles irrepressibly when you're here, still can't bear to think you're leaving.

It's when you walk in to find a guy in the familiar shirt in the same seat, as though time stood still and he was always there rather than a week and a half ago since you last met. It's when you deliberate for hours what you're gonna talk about but end up making it up as you go because your brain just auto shuts down whenever.

It's when it's late at night and you walk me there, and it's us lingering on the steps. It's when we are sitting so close, every little movement is a navigation dilemma. It's when feel that awful tug surfaces everytime i watch you walk away. It's when i don't know if i should tag posts about you with :( or :) because they're mixtures of both. It's when people look at us, thinking we're together and for once misunderstandings are great.

To sum it up,

And maybe,
it's just that feeling i miss.

Labels: :(, :)

2:16 AM
sparkled;

So i just realised UB (from today he will be referred to as UB although i doubt the chance of me using this term much cos i won't even bother blogging about such an UB) deleted on fb. When i don't know because i haven't exactly bothered checking his profile. In fact i doubt i've been there since, 4/5 months ago? Like, i just don't care about UB, so technically there isn't any reason whatsoever for him to delete because idc.

How amazingly immature, especially considering the fact that maybe i was the one who created the account for him?

Omg i'm so turned off/pissed off i'm not even bothering to pretend i don't care. This is the dumbest, most infuriating, craziest thing i've ever come across seriously. And don't even attempt telling me i'm mad because this lingering masochism in me just isn't past caring about him because no, this anger sure as hell doesn't stem from anything close to affection. I'm just so disgusted someone can actually stoop to this level of immaturity and ungratefulness?

Labels: rants

1:45 AM
sparkled;

Monday, September 07, 2009

it's been awhile
_ i miss you! Haha not as much as i thought i would but i still do okay! It's been a week. Work hard for prelims and your run and update your blog! I don't even know why i'm typing this when you won't read it because you don't even know my blog. :/

k this song is like waay to extreme haha but sort of.

To see you when I wake up
is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you.
I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
but already i'm wasting away
I know I'll see you again
whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
and I miss you.

I miss that feeling - that woah-life's-great feeling, the woah-all-the-small/simple-things-in-life-are-gooodd feeling.

Labels: :(, songs

11:42 PM
sparkled;

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Promos in 3 weeks.
Friday hardly felt like the last day of school at all. I remember how euphoric we would be in rg come every last day of term. There was always the outing after school or even class party or something, but none of that now because we won't bother deluding ourselves that the holidays are gonna be anything other than a mugging week.

But at least i'm kinda getting the mugging mood back. Stayed in the library till 730 on Friday, and Vanessa, Xuan De and i camped out at Raja block chionging WR till 930 yesterday :O. Some holiday man.

On another note, i haven't seen _ since last Tuesday. Surprisingly, these past four days went okay, didn't really feel _'s absence that much. Obviously, out of habit, i still looked twice at the usual places, but when i didn't see anyone, at least it didn't feel as bad as i thought it would. Maybe it's because i know i'd probably be seeing him over the hols. Or, more probably, crushes come and go - i was probably overdramatizing last Friday, fuelled by the bad day and all...

I think i need to have more faith in God or the natural order of things or fate or something. I think there's a niggling, subconscious thought at the back of my mind that things always work against me and that i've to work towards negating that force. Like, i'm not good enough for miracles to happen and so i need to manufacture my own luck?

I really need an inspirational read/movie to up the faith level.

11:08 AM
sparkled;

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

& a little emotion behind every 'i dont care'
I haven't done anything: chem/econs/bio tutorial. Not to mention there's chem and econs test tomorrow. And i'm thoroughly unprepared for promos. I don't remember anything, not anything, about everything.

Is it too much to ask for just one word, 'thanks'?

Labels: :(

11:22 PM
sparkled;

piano's over!
I guess today was a pretty good day, minus screwing up piano. But on reflection piano wasn't that bad i guess - i mean i've had worse... At least i managed to play my scales right, even the arpegios! :O:O And getting a FOUR flats song for sightreading just ain't my fault, and of course no surprise there when i screwed up aural big time. But pieces were not as good as they ought to be, i stopped during the first piece zomg and had a couple of mistakes during my third and end of my first (yeah after he gave me another go, isn't that fab?)

Then met Liza, Nicole and Dong at Novena Mos for a mini mugging session and, as expected of Mos staff, we were lectured for occupying too many seats... But it was quite fun i guess, i really prefer group mugging because you don't feel so lonely haha although Liza is like Les Horribles mugging companion who can't stop talking about the new song playing on the radio.

Headed off to meet Celes at Sembawang Mos later and i found out i lost my ezlink card at piano GREAT. We attempted mugging there but ended up talking mostly. Sorry Celes i'm a distraction!

Oh and we ran into yongsheng who, believe it or not, can still find the mood to play his beloved handphone soccer when prelim is on wednesday :O. Like omg, after changing AND losing phones, he somehow managed to download his fav soccer again. -.- haha. Oh and surprisingly the waitress didn't scold any of us this time haha probably because she was off-duty.

EOM EOM EOM EOM. The bane of my existence.

tell me what happens when it stops.

Labels: :), mugging sessions, piano

1:55 AM
sparkled;

Sunday, August 30, 2009

our favourite place we used to go;
Haha i was feeling so bored when i read _'s older blog posts which totally put a smile on my face. :)

Today Rachel and Liza went to _________ so they finally see my little bubble from the actual stance. At least there are still a couple of weeks that _'ll be going there i guess, but i'm wondering what i'll feel when _'s packed off in a tiny island doing service for the nation, too far to go there, and with no reason to either.

Gosh i hate emotional fits.

2:22 AM
sparkled;

Friday, August 28, 2009

If we could have started differently when you were just 15 and i 14, would things have been different? If we did everything differently that day 3 years back, would everything in between have even happened?

I guess i should have listened and not allow myself to become too emotionally attached to and dependent on you. I guess i should have known that we only had a few months max.

But can you blame me? I was really so happy. For the first time, i actually looked forward to school because it meant i could catch you for a couple of minutes a day: be it on the train, walking by my classroom to the toilet, along corridors, in our part of the canteen, at the stairwell, at the basketball courts, running to school from marymount... Regardless of how awful my day was, i could always count on you to cheer me up. Regardless of how boring Econs/GP are, i looked forward to them because they were conducted next to your classroom; and just for a couple of seconds when you walk by after class each Monday/Tuesday, Econs becomes my favourite class ever.

That day, at __________, i was looking around and realised i've seen you at every table there before. Every one of them either brought back crystal-clear images of one happy hour or another we spent together 'mugging' there, or times when i walked pass and saw you contemplating whatever tutorial you were at, always in the standard school tshirt and shorts, or your favourite singlet, cargo pants and flipflops. And Fallin' for you started playing on the radio in the background.

It's just really bad timing you know? Just as i'm realising i'm truly, 100% over *, just as we're getting closer, it's gonna end just like that. Because i won't keep in contact. Nor will you. There never really was anything that bound us anyway. I never really had an excuse to keep things up. You never really had a reason to be as nice as you were.

I don't even know why i'm feeling this way, it's kinda atypical me. But talking to Celes yesterday on the phone yesterday to discuss clarks, she happened to be playing Knock Knock in the background; something just snapped when i heard the line you seem to know the way to turn my frown upside down because it's so so you. It's the first time since Feb that i cried. Like i said i'm not one with the ability to release pent up emotions through tears unfortunately. Of course, i can't say the sole cause of this breakdown was hearing from Rachel about your study break because i was admittedly having a bad day already. But under the same circumstances one month ago, i.e. the bad day, you would probably be the repressor of my unhappiness rather than a catalyst, or even the cause, of the break down, if i may quote Bio.

I can't stand Fallin' for you, Stupid for you, Knock knock, Say it again, Next to you because they all remind me of the inexorable fact that you're leaving. Not in the distant future of next year, but like hey, today.

If i had known how little time there was, or should i say if i had known that i was going to feel this way when it really came, i wouldn't have played the role of shrinking violet, i wouldn't have cared about what others thought.

Okay i know, i'm talking as if you're migrating to another planet and leaving this world or something when i should be glad i'd probably still see you around especially since __ ____ __ ____. But it just feels so bad now you know? I really hate partings.

Labels: :(

11:55 PM
sparkled;

Monday, August 24, 2009

i've been spending all my time just thinking about you
Life's been pretty good lately although i'm not sure if i'll say the same after Bio SPA this Thursday and piano exam next Monday... haha. School was great today because i managed to follow most of the lessons for once, having been extremely productive yesterday.(: But piano kinda screwed up the second part of my day. I was so frustrated from playing arpegios i could have broken down seriously. Gosh, i just hope i'll pass you knowww.

And i can't help but feel apprehensive at just how fast time is flying by. Seems just yesterday that we were fresh from rg/ri, trying out for different ccas, having difficulty adapting to a new environment and all. And woah it's now late August; J2 prelims next week, promos a few weeks from now. :/

回头吧不要走不要这样离开我 I love this line from 好心分手. And 我难过 by 5566. I don't like them (gross hair and all?) but this song is good! haha their best song seriously. :)

那一年默默无言只能选择离开
无邪的笑容已经不再精彩
你害怕结局所以拼命伤害
说是我挡住你的美好未来
你坚决不希望我等待
我便默默的让你走开
如今你受了伤回来
叫我如何接受这安排
我难过的是放弃你放弃爱
放弃的梦被打碎忍住悲哀
我以为是成全
你却说你更不愉快
我难过的是忘了你忘了爱
尽全力忘记我们真心相爱
也忘了告诉你失去的不能重来

Basically this song's about how a guy finally managed to give up his girlfriend on her request after a lot of pain/hard work because he thought it would be the best for her, then later realised it never really made her happier, but it was too late because what's lost can't be retrieved.

Ohman been listening to a lot of Chinese songs lately, love them seriously! I needa watch another show in the Secret/Tiramisu mould soon or risk losing all hope in love. Haven't had my regular dose of super-inspiring/idealistic lit/flick lately!

And i'm so glad i'm seeing you every week day (:

Labels: :), songs

11:22 PM
sparkled;

here in silence it's just you and me;
Hmm today is one of the most productive sundays i've ever spent. Mugged with Josy at Mos today from 4 to 830 today and covered Market Structure II and Market Failure (yeah i know i'm super lagged but at least i'm trying!) We just sat and did work four hours through, really cool. I bet the Mos people are appalled at my newfound level of discipline; have never been able to keep that quiet for such a long time there before. Haha and the fat waitress didn't scold us today, which is a plus :) I really love the thrill of being accomplished/efficient haha. Josy's the best study date man hahaha.

Kk on to Chem Equilibria tutorial and Math GP/AP tutorial sooon. Not to mention, i still haven't done indiv EOM :O

Haha i can't stop listening to Fallin' for you and smiling to myself like a moron, and i'm thinking, _ will you ever know?

Labels: :), mugging sessions

12:24 AM
sparkled;

Sunday, August 23, 2009

好心分手
是否很惊讶讲不出说话
没错我是说你想分手吗
曾给你驯服得就像绵羊
何解会反咬你一下你知吗
也许该分清不应再说话
被放弃的我应有此报吗
如果我曾是个坏牧羊人
能否再让我试一下抱一下
回头望伴你走
从来未曾幸福过
恨太多没结果往事重提是折磨
下半生陪住你
怀疑快乐也不多
被我伤让你痛
好心一早放开我
从头努力也坎坷
通通不要好过
为何唱着这首歌
为怨恨而分手问你是否原谅我
若注定有一点苦楚
不如自己亲手割破
回头吧不要走不要这样离开我
恨太多没结果往事重提是折磨
下半生陪住你
怀疑快乐也不多
没有心别再拖
好心一早放开我
从头努力也坎坷
通通不要好过
为何唱着这首歌
为怨恨而分手问你是否原谅我
若勉强也分到不多
不如什么都割破
好心分手没结果
可知歌者也奈何
难捱就无谓再拖
好心一早放开我
从头努力也坎坷
通通不要好过
为何唱着这首歌
为怨恨而分手问你是否原谅我
若注定有一点苦楚
不如自己亲手割破

Love this song 好心分手 by 王力宏卢巧音. I've been listening to it on repeat since Dong sent it last night oh man it's good stuff seriously. I love the canto part sung by Candy Lo! Judging from the ill-disguised shock on many people's faces on hearing i did okay for Chinese Os, i think this is gonna sound pretty unbelieveable but yes, i really love Chinese/Canto pop and movies. Somehow, Chinese/Canto songs always seem to have that melancholic, close-to-heart feel that English songs, save a few country ones, can never capture. Even cheesy stuff by 5566 (oh i think it's kinda amusing how 5566 was all the rage in p6 but in rg/rj people are like, "huh what's that, a number?") have a certain intrinsic quality about them just by virtue of being a Chinese song.

There are so many touching values Mando pop culture, and i'm talking about the everyday cheap productions, conveys, stuff you can never find in your typical hollywood action or chick flick.

孝顺, 义气, 缘分... these are just some of the many examples that of Chinese concepts whose equivalents far from do them justice. 义气 is not just loyalty, there is a connotation of the underworld; it speaks of gratitude, friendship, loyalty, brotherly love, blood ties and sacrifice all at once. It means you can die for someone completely related by blood just because you once drank each other's blood. (A ceremony is usually conducted in traditional Hongkong society where the soon-to-be sworn brothers prick their own fingers, allow the blood from each "brother" to drip into a cup to be partaken by all.) Primitive and completely redundant as it sounds, the fact that this 义气 really ennobles "sworn brothers" into laying their lives for one another speaks volumes about Chinese values, doesn't it?

And 缘分 can never fully be encapsulated and explained by the single word "fate". It encompasses the Chinese notion of past and previous lives. It ties in with the belief that your past, present and future lives are entwined. Those you let down in your past life you repay in your present, and vice versa. I realise many Chinese songs/movies are centered around this theme. E.g. in 边走边爱 when it goes 这一生多侥幸赶上过你,不想知终点时你在何地,不管几多里路也试过缠在一起,未算别离, which means something like being thankful that even if you don't end up together, at least you were fated to meet.

Yes, these are pretty abstract, super-cheena concepts probably no longer relevant in Singaporean society today, but it's nice to know that beliefs like this were once the real thing, or might still be, in other Chinese societies like Hongkong and Taiwan. It is all these Chinese concepts that differentiates Hongkong movies/dramas from the bland, cookie-cutter Singaporean ones, for they add insight, depth and a certain brand of asianness to a production.

Haha i guess that's why, i'm usually inclined to those who come from Chinese-speaking families although i can't claim to be one myself.

Labels: random musings, songs

2:37 AM
sparkled;

Thursday, August 20, 2009

i don't know but i think i may be fallin' for you
Crap i really think i do.

I don't know but i think i may be fallin' for you
I've been spending all my time
just thinking about you

I really don't know what to do because i really can't stop thinking about you.

I think i'm falling for you

Labels: :)

10:41 PM
sparkled;

i dont know what to do i think i'm falling for you
I don’t know but
I think I'm maybe
Fallin’ for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting ’til I
Know you better

I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head

I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
And now I found ya
I don’t know where to
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you

As I’m standing here
And you hold my hand
Pull me towards you
And we start to dance
All around us
I see nobody
Here in silence
It’s just you and me

I’m trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head

I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know where to
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you

Oh I just can’t take it
My heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out

I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
I think I’m fallin’ for you

I can’t stop thinking about it
I want you all around me
And now I just can’t hide it
I think I’m fallin’ for you (x2)

I’m fallin’ for you

Ooohhh
Oh no no
Oooooohhh
Oh I’m fallin’ for you

Thank you liza for pointing this song out! :) Totally encapsulates all i've got to say but can't phrase properly.

Labels: :), songs

12:07 AM
sparkled;

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Sitting here turning minutes into hours just to find the nerve to call you on the telephone
thank you friends for listening to me today! Sorry i've been so crazy-boring and limited in topics of conversation lately.

I'm so so so happy that after everything, i met you. Like it was just in stark contrast with what * did at the start of the year. You're always so considerate with the feelings of others, and you really always know what to say to make me feel like everything's okay.

After the episode with *, i really never considered the faintest possibility that i would ever like anyone else in this school. In fact, part of me thought i would still kinda like * till the end of j2 even after all the things he did. And i kept defining us with a superficial brush: eye-candy, crush... But after what has happened lately, after how you are so nice about everything, i just feel so lucky we met.

I love the way you go eh okay when you run out of things to say or can't fill the gaps in an awkward moment. I love the way you look so studious trying to finish a tutorial while listening to music. I love the way you refuse to ask for help when you can't solve a question and insist on completing it with your own effort or not at all. I love the way you refuse to ask your parents for money and work for the stuff you want instead. I love the way you tap my shoulder to say hi when i attempt pretending not to see you. I love the way you subconsicously lapse into mandarin when we talk, and how fast you speak it. I love the way you stop to talk even when your friends are teasing and laughing. I love the way you never fail to consider my feelings, how you always humour me, how you don't have to but do so just because you're nice like that.

Obviously it isnt the intense thing but yeah, just that little.

I know it's gonna suck next year when you're gone and i'm probably the world's biggest fool for dragging myself into this whirlpool yet again, but i'm still glad we met. Only you could make me feel so okay about it, thank you. :)

When you have to look away
When you don't have much to say ("huh okay/orh")
That's when I love you
I love you just that way

To hear you stumble when you speak ("uh uh uh, switches to mandarin")
Or see you walk with two left feet
That's when I love you
I love you endlessly

And when your mad 'cause you lost the game (or made a careless mistake)
Forget I'm waiting in the rain
Baby, I love you, I love you anyway

'Cause here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
'Cause that's when I love you
When nothing you do can change my mind

The more I learn, the more I love
The more my heart can't get enough
That's when I love you
When I love you no matter what

So when you turn to hide your eyes
'Cause the movie it made you cry
That's when I love you
I love you
A little more each time

And when you can't quite match your clothes (wearing the same shirt day in and out?)
Or when you laugh at your own jokes
That's when I love you
I love you
More than you know

And when you forgot that we had a date
Or that look that you give when you show up late
Baby, I love you, I love you anyway

So here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
'Cause that's when I love you
When nothing you do can change my mind

The more I learn, the more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
That's when I love you
When I love you no matter what

Ohh, that's when I love you when nothing baby
Nothing you do could change my mind
The more I learn, the more I love, the more my heart can't get enough
That's when I love you
When I love you no matter what
Ohh, no matter what

Haha okay this song is way too extreme but yeah some parts:)

Labels: :), songs

9:56 PM
sparkled;

you've made hostage of my memory.
Today was quite a bad day; i don't wanna talk about the white slips thing but yeah it was bad.

And i've kinda come to an epiphany that it'll be harder next year if i go on i continue living in the delirium i am in now. Yeah, the feelings of excitement and spurts of happiness are all very entertaining, but i gotta be forward-looking and consider wha'ts gonna happen in a few months' time yeah. As much as i want to dispel that thought for as long as i can... But yeah watching the video council put together today just reinforced the fact that yeah, the 3 month end is looming.

And later, watching _ walk away, a part of me was just like shit, i'm going to have to face this sooner or later because the next time he does three months later, it's gonna be forever. Or at least forever until by rare coincidence we chance upon each other again. I keep bemoaning the fact that i wasn't born a fortnight earlier but i know even as i say this that i'm really so very lucky to meet _. Someone who's older, someone who's that cute, someone that nice, someone who bothers to humour me....

Ah T.T the bubble has kinda burst if you know what i mean.

Labels: :(, random musings

12:21 AM
sparkled;

Sunday, August 16, 2009

i'm hopin' just to be by your side:)
Next to you by Jordin Sparks
Two 'o clock and I wish that I was sleeping
You're in my head like a song on the radio
All I know is that I got to get next to you
Yeah I got to get next to you
Sitting here turning minutes into hours
To find the nerve just to call you on the telephone
You don't know that I got to get next to you

[Chorus]
Maybe were friends
Maybe were more
Maybe it's just my imagination
But I see you stare just a little too long
And it makes me start to wonder
So baby call me crazy
But I think you feel it too
Maybe I, Maybe I
Just got to get next to you

I asked around and I heard that you were talking
Told my girl that you thought I was out of your league
What a fool, I got to get next to you, whoa
Yeah it's five in the morning and I can't go to sleep
'Cause I wish, yeah I wish that you knew what you mean to me
Baby let's get together and end this mystery, oh

[Chorus]
Maybe were friends
Maybe were more
Maybe it's just my imagination
But I see you stare just a little too long
And it makes me start to wonder
So baby call me crazy
But I think you feel it too
Maybe I, Maybe I
Just got to get next to you

Whatcha got to say? Whatcha got to do?
How ya get the one you want to want to get next to you?

Whatcha got to say? Whatcha got to do?
How ya get the one you want to want to get next to you?

Whatcha got to say? Whatcha got to do?
How ya get the one you want to want to get next to you?

Whatcha got to say? Whatcha got to do?
How ya get the one you want to want to get next to you?
Yeah, yeah, to want to get next to you

[Chorus]
Maybe were friends
Maybe were more
Maybe it's just my imagination
But I see you stare just a little too long
And it makes me start to wonder
So baby call me crazy
But I think you feel it too
Baby call me crazy
But I know you feel it too
Maybe I, Maybe I
Just got to get next to you
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I got to get next to you

haha i realise i've been listening to a lot of happy i-got-a-crush-on-you songs recently, e.g. Knock knock by Lenka, Stupid for you by Marie Digby, The things i'll never say by Avril Lavigne, Say it again by Marie Digby... Haha no more emo playlists of Come down to me by Saving Jane, A little too not over you by David Archuleta, Better in time by Leona Lewis. Guess what they say about songs reflecting your psychological make-up is accurate.

I think the 'Sitting here turning minutes into hours to find the nerve just to call you on the telephone' is so real!! Oh man i'm actually looking forward to school these days (yeah wth!?) cause it means i get to see you! :)

Labels: songs

9:11 PM
sparkled;

i guess i'm wishing my life away with these things i'll never say
Haha so today we had Asian Varsity Fencing Competition organised by SMU. Formed a group and competed with Rach, Liza and Ilisa against the University of Macau. Haha it was quite fun actually, even though we lost pretty miserably with a final score of 45-12. :/

Haha but for first-timers and seventeen-year-olds (our opponents were in their 20s i think), i must say i'm really proud that it wasn't a 45-nil score! Besides embarrassing our school with all the slip-ups that is... haha. We almost got disqualified for sending the wrong people up but thankfully our opponents were gracious enough to allow us to continue fencing. (In our referee's words: "maybe it's also because they are winning by a huge margin" haha)

At the end of the match, the ref actually went round telling his friends that it was the most hilarious fencing competition he had ever seen hahaha. Firstly, we sent the wrong people up. Secondly, we kept forgetting the niceties, e.g. when to salute, put on our masks, shake hands and stuff. Thirdly, Liza's earring fell off before she started her round and the ref had to help pick it up! :O Fifthly, i was such a retard. For the first point i scored (after two rounds of nil), i was so shocked at the impact that i started apologising and asking if she was okay. So the ref started laughing cause apparently people don't do that in a competition, and it cracked me and my opponent up so all of us started laughing in the middle of a match. Hahaha wth. And sixthly, my mask almost fell off mid-fencing so Rachel had to step up onto the fencing mat (do they call it a mat?) to help me put it back on. Omggg embarrasssing ttm. I bet they're all wondering where all the alleged brains of rj have gone to haha.

So after the competition, Rach, Liza and i went to J. Co where we met a couple of NS, or post-NS i'm not sure, guys who'd just finished the half-marathon and were discussing it. Apparently most people who take part are 25 and above.

Anyway, i just read this one Jolene's blog:
K i saw this youtube video by allthatglitters21 and she mentioned "cut ties with people that cause you drama" and i so agree. Then i realise it's what i have to do sometimes. There are just some people that have be OUT of your life you know, you can't be friends with the entire world. And i get it, to be honest, i don't mind cause i know i have people who love and care for me and i love and care for them and that's all i need. I don't need superficial people barging into my life, gossiping shit and giving me drama.

It's funny how i used to want to have more friends and it's all about fun and all that partying shit cause it's not the important thing. I don't wanna lose myself in party life, going out, buying things and shopping the whole time. I want time with people i love, memories that will last and make me smile when i think about it. I don't wanna care about how i look like all the time and be self conscious, i want to know even when i look sucky and messy there are people who see me for who i am. I don't want people who try to pretend they understand, i want people who i trust to just be there to listen when there's a need to, even without understanding it's okay.

This kinda summarized what i've been thinking about lately but haven't put into words yet. It's true, i used to crave approval and acceptance from family, friends, even strangers. I couldn't take it when anyone, no matter how disconnected to me, whispered behind my back or even had a vaguely bad impression of me. I won't pretend that i don't give a damn about recognition anymore for it's only human nature, but now i'm beginning to understand that it really isn't anything. I keep recalling what deb said that day: ten years down the road, who's gonna bother about what that one person said? What matters is the opinion of those we love and who love us.

It used to hurt me how we no longer speak, how we don't even acknowledge each other. Now, it doesn't, really. Not one bit. Perhaps it's still better to gain than lose a friend, yes, but i've come to realise it's no huge loss to lose a friend who never really cared. What counts at the end of the day is not how many friends you have, but the strength of your friendship with those who really matter.

Labels: about life, epiphanies, fencing

3:58 PM
sparkled;

Saturday, August 15, 2009

i hate it when you think i'm being difficult on purpose. i'm already trying my utmost. okay maybe i still have time management issues. maybe i can't find the motivation at times. maybe i still get distracted. but i am trying my best, really. i keep having panic attacks lately, what if what if, i keep asking. and i'm really scared, this is real. gosh i need to focus more. i hate this whole freaking system when you've to balance so many things. you've to be this, that. so perfect, so wonderwoman. you've to be responsible for your life... etc etc. but can't this wait a little while?

Labels: rants

11:17 AM
sparkled;

Friday, August 14, 2009

and it feels like it's the first time that anybody's ever brought the sun without the rain:):)
how apt:)

Hmm the past two days have been super tiring. Not to mention there's Chem As spa next week and Bio As spa the week after. And piano exam's sooo soon. I didn't get the full impact of it until yesterday when i went to book the piano for practice and realised it's two weeks from now! Greaat.

Left school early yesterday for my regular check up at TTSH, then met yongsheng at sembawang to get my homework from Liza. Omg he actually woke up at 9+ and was still at home at 935 when school, running on monday's timetable that day, started at 940 woahh haha best. Even i have quit my habit of showing up for school halfway through assembly/first block, and that's saying something for someone who got 3 white slips solely for being late.

Anyway we attempted to mug chem till like 9+, but it was quite a failure haha. Thankfully the obese waitress there wasn't being the annoyance she has been for the past three times. Or actually, i didn't even see her so yay.

Mos burger, minus Ms Obese Waitress, is seriously the best place to mug. The ambience is good; i like the seats where there are sort of walls dividing one table from the next so it's kinda enclosed and private without the claustrophobic, crowded vibe you get at other fast food places like Macs. Besides, virtually everyone there is doing some work or another so you feel motivated. Ironical though, since there are 'no mugging' signs pasted everywhere.

And i learnt yesterday that a compound called noradrenaline actually exists. Yup, it's like what in the world is that!?!? Oh yeah and we aren't only supposed to know it exists, but are expected to be able to draw its structure too. :O

And today i had GP make-up essay test. What the hell, it sucked so much. I don't know why i seem to have lost the knack for writing essays, like i really didn't have anything to write so i did like a one and three quarter page filled with rubbish. It's really pretty worrying considering this is the focal point of interest for the faculty i want...

Hmm Celestine said something really sweet today: "you must be as happy as you are now every day okay. I really want to thank _ for making you so happy", and Rachel was like "shiyin you're really much happier now i feel so happy for you." I was really touched. And of course, thank you Kitty for everythinggg! thank you friends. :)

Anyway, i'm so disgusted by what happened on Thursday morning. I'm praying for a miracle but according to yongsheng it takes straight Us to make the cut for retention which is kinda hard to get, even by *'s standards. But life would be so much better if * vanished somehow. But kayleigh said she's proud of me that i didn't react. Point is, try as i might, i'm a terrible actress who can never conceal her feelings. So if i didn't react, it really meant that i felt nothing, not one jolt of loss, not one ounce of familiarity or reminiscence or affection.

My Happy Ending

Oh Oh
So much for my happy ending
Oh Oh
So Much For My Happy Ending
Oh Oh Oh
Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus:]
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus]

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

[Chorus x2]

[x2]
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
So much for my happy ending

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh

And i love this song! The things i'll never say by Avril Lavigne.

Ladatadata ladatadatadadadatadada dadadadada

I'm tuggin' at my hair
I'm pullin' at my clothes
I'm tryin' to keep my cool
I know it shows

I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
And I'm searching for the words inside my head

'Cause I'm feeling nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it
Yeah...

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you--away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down--on one knee
Marry me today
Guess i'm wishing my life away
With these things i'll never say

It don't do me any good it's just a waste of time
What use is it to you what's on my mind?
If it ain't comin' out, we're not going anywhere
So why can't I just tell you that I care?

'Cause I'm feeling nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it
Yeah...

If i could say what i wanna say
I'd say i want to blow you -- away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I wanna see
I want to see you go down--on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

(What is)What's wrong with my tongue?
These words keep slipping away
(I stutter)I stutter (I stumble)I stumble like I've got nothing to say

'Cause I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it
Yeah...

[Verbal Acoustics]

Ladatadata ladatadatadadadatadada dadadadada

I guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you--away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could see what I want to see
I want to see you go down--on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

These things I'll never Say...........

Haha super cute song i think the part about "trying to keep my cool but i know it shows" is so accurate hahaha. And knowing you should say something but don't because you just can't formulate the words. Like, the proper thing to do, is for me to act like a lady and wait for you to make the first move in stupid for you haha.

Labels: :), friends, mugging sessions, songs

8:20 PM
sparkled;

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

i'm hoping just to be by your side:)
_ did something really nice yesterday.:) I feel so lucky that we somehow met in janurary, that of so many people there i got you, that i just so happened to be at the right place at the right time, that you just happened to live there... i just feel really lucky to know you. :)

You,
Doin' that thing you do,
Breaking my heart into a million pieces,
Like you always do
And you,
Don't mean to be cruel,
You never even knew about the heartache,
I've been going through
Well I try and try to forget you girl,
But it's just so hard to do,
Every time you do that thing you do

I,
Know all the games you play,
And I'm gonna find a way to let you know that,
You'll be mine someday
'Cause we,
Could be happy can't you see,
If you'd only let me be the one to hold you,
And keep you here with me
'Cause I try and try to forget you girl,
But it's just so hard to do,
Every time you do that thing you do

I don't ask a lot girl,
But I know one thing's for sure,
It's the love I haven't got girl,
And I just can't take it anymore

'Cause we,
Could be happy can't you see,
If you'd only let me be the one to hold you,
And keep you here with me
Cause it hurts me so just to see you go,
Around with someone new,
And if I know you you're doin' that thing,
Every day just doin' that thing,
I can't take you doing that thing you do

But a part of me is so scared the bubble of nice feelings will burst soon. I don't even feel like thinking about next year.

Labels: :), songs

9:24 PM
sparkled;

Monday, August 10, 2009

(Attempted) mugging session with the classmates today was quite fun! :) Although not as productive as we'd hope it would be... haha.

So i woke up at 1130 today after a grand total of 10.5 hrs of sleep. :) Went to mos myself to attempt reading Respiration notes but was chased out by the stupid waitress who scolded me and mingxuan and me and yongsheng the other two times. Wth i think she really hates me, it's the 3rd time she's doing it! Like everyone else was mugging, some only bought like one drink and some nothing at all, whereas i bought a burger a drink and she started "oh no studying" what shit.

So after a long call to Celes to bitch about how annoying the waitress is, i proceded to meet the rest, Liza, Amanda, Biang and Dong at AMK. We tried to get seats at Macs but failed because it was so crowded, tried to find our way to the library, but settled on Long John Silvers finally. Haha at first we were confined to this tiny fourseater which couldn't accomodate studying at all so Dong had to do his work on his bag hahaha. But the two people occupying six seater finally vacated so we moved there and attempted doing work till 5 haha. Saw a really adorable baby boy and caught a bit of Michael Jackson's Billy Jean while passing by a CD shop. Then we got sidetracked from dinner and window shopped at Artbox which had seriously damn pretty stuff! Then dinner at mos and homeee. haha.

Labels: outing

9:38 PM
sparkled;

Sunday, August 09, 2009

national day
shiyin says:
im officially. suicidal.

Rachel says:
hahah noooooooo dont
_ cant live without you

Rachel says:
and think of _
haha cute _
cute little friend no. 4
haha

shiyin says:
hahahah

shiyin says:
who is no. 3?

Rachel says:
he's damn cute

shiyin says:
CUTE LITTLE FRIEND NO. 4!!!

Rachel says:
must treasure him sy

Oh man that totally made my day thank you rachel! :) hahahaha.

Anyway i finally watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button today. Yeah how belated haha but yeah it was really good! Artsy kind of film yet entertaining and touching enough to keep you going. Some parts made me tear, especially the parts where Caroline read out the postcards he wrote her every birthday, postcards she only read after his death. "I wish i could be there on your first day of school", "You're 13, i wish i could be there to tell you not to chase that boy, or to hold you when you have your first heartbreak". That was super touching. Not to mention Brad Pitt's so hot!:D:D

T.T Haven't been mugging much, i feel the pressure mounting already. :(

And _ i miss you!

Labels: funny stuff, movie review

11:30 PM
sparkled;

I am officially depressed. I feel like i totally wasted the 2 day break seriously. Attempted graphing tutorial (at last) but i still can't figure how to do conics, or whether it's even possible for an oblique asymptote to intersect the graph. Does anyone know? Would appreciate feedback to the few who read my blog, or even know of it's existence in any case...

I haven't even begun to understood Chemical Equilibria and we're on to Ionic already? Plus, i really have no clue whatsoever about what's going on in Market Failure. Nor have i, for that matter, begun on Econs essay 4, 5, 6. AND i haven't found any materials for my EOM, nor have i finished analysing the middle aged survey, or found a book for the secondary research. Oh yeah, not to mention, starting from DNA & Genomics II, everything Bio is fuzzy in my head. And i haven't started on respiration tutorial of course. T.T Why is it that work seems to be never-ending?

Haha but Amanda was supersuper cute on the phone today. Haha she's mental! Called me at 1 am and we talked till 2 hahaha

2:53 AM
sparkled;

please say you'll wait for me
So i finally finished the voluminous The Historian. Yeah took me long enough but hey i was sidetracked by many other things; school's been so busy! Furthermore, you've gotta admit that finishing a 650-page novel does seem rather daunting, no?

It was really well-written. Perhaps a little draggy here and there, but phenomenal for a debut. Some parts were so scary i couldn't sleep after reading! And it has this haunting sadness that seems to call out to the reader from its pages long after he closes the book.

That's what characterizes good lit, isn't it? Even after the story ends, long after you finish its last words, its themes and ideals transcend its physical pages to reach out to its readers. It affects you longer than the amount of time you spent reading it.

And of course gothic lit, given its inherent eerie nature, always seems to have a headstart where this is concerned. Novellas like Rebecca and The Woman in White, classics like The Great Expectations, family sagas like Penmarric, mdoern gothic like The Historian and Shadow of the Wind... they all convey a certain beauty that other genres, e.g. suspense, fail to attain.

And on a less academic note...

I'm so annoyed with you! Have you decided to turn hermit after all your wondering ways? Walking by _____ every day for the past i-forgot-how-many months totally enlightened me to the essence of what it means to feel 'so near yet so far'. I miss you a lot, cant you mug outside instead!?

And thank you for infusing the strength and motivation to study in me. Just recalling your irksome behaviour imbues me with the drive to succeed.

Chorus:
Jimmy please say you'll wait for me
I'll grow up someday you'll see
savin' all my kisses just for you
signed with love forever true

Joni was the girl who lived next door
I've known her I guess ten years or more
Joni wrote me a note one day
and this is what she had to say

::CHORUS::

Slowly I read her note once more
then I went over to the house next door
her teardrops fell like rain that day
when I told Joni what I had to say

Joni, Joni please don't cry
you'll forget me by and by
you're just fifteen I'm twenty-two
and Joni I just can't wait for you

Soon I left our little home town
got me a job and tried to settle down
but these words kept haunting my memory
the words that Joni said to me

::CHORUS::

I packed my clothes and I caught a plane
I had to see Joni I had to explain
how my heart was filled with her memories
and ask my Joni if she'd marry me

I ran all the way to the house next door
but things weren't like they were before
my teardrops fell like rain that day
when I heard what Joni had to say

Jimmy, Jimmy please don't cry
you'll forget me by and by
it's been five years since you've been gone
Jimmy I married your best friend John

Don't cry Joni by Conway Twitty, an oldie i really love. :) My mum used to play it on the old casette player a lot when i was younger. It's a bittersweet ballad about a girl asking an older guy to wait for her to grow up, how he felt she was too young and didn't and how he ended up realising he loved her but it was too late. ): oh well.

Labels: book review, songs

12:29 AM
sparkled;

Friday, August 07, 2009

you always know what to say to make me feel like everything's okay:)

I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feelin' like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tingles in a silly place

It starts in my toes
And I crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

The rain is fallin' on my window pane
But we are hidin' in a safer place
Under the covers stayin' safe and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

They start in my toes
Make me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

What am I gonna say
When you make me feel this way?
I just, mmm

It starts in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

I?ve been asleep for a while now
You tucked me in just like a child now
'Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feelin' shows
'Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time now
Holdin' me tight

Wherever, wherever, where ever you go
Wherever, wherever, where ever you go

Labels: songs

7:14 PM
sparkled;

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

it's not every day that i meet a person quite like you
Haha i've no idea why i'm still posting when every fibre of my body is yelling for sleep AND i haven't attempted graphing techniques tutorial, haven't finished mugging for remedial spa tomorrow, and haven't finished reaction kinetics tutorial.

Today was a pretty fun day though, haha even though i didnt meet _. We did all sorts of silly stuff during pw, e.g. singing Billie Jean, Beat it, Summer Nights and the like hahaha i loved so much! But i think the pw teachers kinda hate my group now cause we were the perpetuators of most of the noise haha.

And thank you Celestine! I'm super touched that you _______________________. :):)

Oh then fencing was superduper tiring. :/ And i think it's causing my outbreak again? I just spotted a tiny red dot right after fencing gross! :/ My fitness is at rock bottom after pigging out for 3 months without an inch of exercise (unless you count the zen-like poses in yoga, which ain't much...) Omg, AVFC is next saturday, we're so unprepared!?

Haha i think i'm happier these days, whether i meet _ or not. I can literally feel the awful, familiar weight lifting, and that's contributing to the incessant blogging. Previously, when i opened a tab to post, i would find myself gravitating towards emotion-charged words which fill the page to become emotional, depressing posts, and so i delete them till i can bring myself to write a happier one. Now, it's like, i don't care. I know, it's amazing how i can just utter these three words like that like it never meant anything at all before, but really. Isn't investing one and a half years enough?

Naturally, there are still moments when i catch myself wondering what people think, but i know all these are so temporal, it's crazy to be so affected.

It's not everday
That I find a person quite like you
Perfect every way
I finally found the nerve to confess that it's you - that I want
I don't care if I act a fool
I would damn near beg for you
Put aside, all my pride
So don't keep me hanging here
Cause this girl is falling stupid for you..
Stupid for you..

The proper thing to do
Is for me to act like a lady and wait
For you to make the first move
But I don't think you're getting the point
That it's you - that I want
I don't care if I act a fool
I would damn near beg for you
Put aside, all my pride
So don't keep me waiting here
Cause this girl is falling stupid for you!
Oh, oh stupid for you

Why's it always feel like I am
Chasing love when nothing's there
And here I go just making the same mistake...

I've fallen stupid for you..

Thanks Angelina Kitty W for introducing this song to me!!! It's not everday that I find a person quite like you... Yup, sometimes i think i'm super lucky that i met _ given everything. :D It's about the only lucky thing that happened this year. Thank you _! :):) Haha there are like so many smileys. :)

Oh and Liza and i were discussing that given the circumstances, we really are super super lucky to meet _ and _. It's a miracle how your life crosses paths with some people, really.

And oh well i must admit i was lucky enough to meet someone like * in rg when it was like a girls school.

Labels: random musings, school, songs

11:45 PM
sparkled;

Monday, August 03, 2009

sometimes you hold so tight it slips right through your hands

An empty room can be so deafening,
The silence makes you wanna scream,
It drives you crazy.
I chased away the shadows of your name,
And burned the picture in a frame,
But it couldn't save me.

And how could we quit something we never even tried,
Well you still can't tell me why.

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore.
...I can't hate you anymore.

You're not the person that you used to be,
The one I want who wanted me,
And that's a shame but,
There's only so many tears that you can cry.
Before it drains the light right from your eyes,
And I can't go on that way.
And so I'm letting go of everything we were,
It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore.

Sometimes you hold so tight,
It slips right through your hands.
Will I ever understand?

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore [x2]

I think the part about 'there's only so many tears that you can cry' is so true. When people repeat the hurtful things they do so many times, you grow immune to it; it no longer hurts you because there's a cap on how much you can tolerate for anyone, friends, family or otherwise.

It's so ironic how sometimes you can try your best, give it your all, but still never meet people's expections? And then you realise... who cares about his opinion? In the larger scheme of things, against your family, your friends, those you love and who love you, what is the opinion of one who never really cared for you at all?

Finding out about what you did during june wasn't the turning point - it was the straw that broke the camel's back. Now, i just find it so utterly retarded to be so affected by someone who doesn't even give a damn if you died tomorrow.

I guess i'm kinda apathetic now. Like, you can judge me all you want, you can think the worst of me, you can pretend we were never friends... and so what? Am i going to bemoan our loss of friendship 10 years down? I'd probably be like huh who's that again?

Life is so transient, so ephemeral. Why waste time persuing ideals of being lovesick or what crap?

Time heals all wounds. It does really. Even when you think you're choking from the emotions, when you think you'll never get better, you will. Slowly but surely, the emotional burden will be lifted inch by inch.. and suddenly you'll realise one day that it no longer presses against your chest. Our emotional make-up all come complete with the innate mechanism to self-anneal and heal. Even when you don't treat a flu, it goes away after awhile because your body learns to fight it. Same goes for hurt.

Anddd _ was sososo cute today, loveeee. :D _ always find a way to be the highlight of my day and turn my frown upside down (yeah i know i've said this a billion times but srsly!) Like today when _ did the bend back thing:):) It's a good day everytime _ appears and everyone will be like 'eh you're in a good mood today right?' Ah _ i really hope i meet you tomorrow!!!

I really don't want the year to end so soon because that means _ will be goneee. :(

Labels: random musings, songs

8:56 PM
sparkled;

Sunday, August 02, 2009

you seem to know the way to turn my frown upside down (:

Haha i love rachel tan! Thank you for bearing with all my madness and viewing all the videos/photos and all. :D

Hmm i think i need some poverty vs law school photos to stick up as my wallpaper to motivate me to mug. I seriously need to find the drive. Everytime my determination wanes, i try picturing myself as a clerk behind a small desk and that helps a little. So i think i should really get a permanent mental image like that.

On a completely unrelated topic, my new GP teacher, an Oxford grad (!!), posed an interesting question to us last Friday: If technology advances to the stage where it is viable to attach yourself to a machine that pumps you with every wonderful thought and where all your dreams can come true, would you choose the perfect live as a machine-dependent (blissfully ignorant that what you're experiencing is not, in fact, the real thing, but images fed to you by say, a computer) or the real thing, complete with its share of pain and struggles?

This was somewhat aligned to our philo module last year about reality vs imagery (i think?) where we had to watch The Matrix. At that point in time, being an immature sixteen-year-old whose sole aim in the lesson was to stay awake, i hardly gave this theory much thought. If called upon to give my opinion, i must have given an utterly bimbotic answer.

Now, i still wouldn't be able to give a definite answer, but ultimately, i think i would choose, after much deliberation, to live in selfdelusion, i.e. in the lab.

Champions of realism/taking responsibility for your actions/growing through suffering may deride this choice as being cowardly, and indeed, it is partly founded in fear. In the real world, separation, loss, death, disappointment, poverty, betrayal, hurt exist cheek by jowl with joy and love. There are no two ways about it - try as you might, you can't create a utopia devoid of unhappiness. Perhaps, you can inflate a little bubble or construct an ivory tower, but history has proven that the little bubble will burst, the ivory tower will crumble sometime, somehow.

It's different with being attached to a joy-feeding machine, though. Assuming it works for all eternity, suffering will be completely obliterated from your world. Imagine that: a life where you don't have to watch your loved ones come and go, where pain is but a hypothetical feeling... Doubtless, what you're experiencing are but mere images, but if you're blissfully ignorant, does it really matter?

And that partially explains why self-delusion is always such a delectable state to immerse in. Except that in self-delusion, we cannot escape the realities of life, and hence we have to awake from our reverie sooner or later.

Detractors may contest that if you never know hurt and loss, you'll never grow strong. But where is the need for resilience if you live in the perfect world where strength is not going to be called upon to battle troubles you see in the real world?

Of course, the downside is the negation of the calm after a storm effect. In the real world, joy and success are often felt more strongly if what precedes them is years of turbulence and pain. In the perfect world, this doesn't happen because storms don't exist.

Oh well, i guess i should cut short this pointless discourse into possibilities yet to be possible and focus on what should be done, e.g. PW, Chem Energetics 6B (yeah i know we're onto Lecture 9 and i'm still dawdling about 6, terrific), Math graphing techniques tutorial, Econs essays 3 and 4, etc etc etc. Now you see why i prefer living the perfect life attached to a computer in the lab? Haha.

And mini family gathering later, yay i can't wait! :D

Labels: about life, random musings

2:09 PM
sparkled;

there's a hole where your soul should be
Look inside, look inside your tiny mind
and look a bit harder
cause we’re so uninspired
so sick and tired
of all the hatred you harbor

so you say it’s not okay to be gay
well I think you’re just evil
you’re just some racist who can’t tie my laces
you’re point of view is medieval

Fuck you, fuck you very very much
cause we hate what you do
and we hate your whole crew
so please don’t stay in touch

fuck you, fuck you very very much
cause your words don’t translate
and it’s getting quite late
so please don’t stay in touch

do you get, do you get a little kick out of being small-minded?
you want to be like your father
it’s approval you’re after
well that’s not how you’ll find it

do you, do you really enjoy living a life that’s so hateful
cause there’s a hole where your soul should be
you’re losing control of it
and it’s really distasteful

Fuck you, fuck you very very much
cause we hate what you do
and we hate your whole crew
so please don’t stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you very very much
cause your words don’t translate
and it’s getting quite late
so please don’t stay in touch

Look inside, look inside your tiny mind
and look a bit harder
cause we’re so uninspired
so sick and tired
of all the hatred you harbor

Fuck you, fuck you very very much
cause we hate what you do
and we hate your whole crew
so please don’t stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you very very much
cause your words don’t translate
and it’s getting quite late
so please don’t stay in touch

I love this song by Lilly Allen! haha. Yup it's for you. I really hate it when you think that you and your crew own the world, when your opinion always takes supremacy over everything else, when everyone has to conform to your standards or be labelled sluts and the like. Who are you? God? Oh yeah, that reminds me, you hate God.

Y'know, i'm beginning to comprehend your atheism. You refuse to believe in, even progressing to the point of hating, God. Why? Because you can no longer dictate the terms to your every whim and fancy if God did exist.

I know, coming from someone who doubts her faith periodically, this doesn't sound very convincing. True, i have my misgivings about the whole notion of religion despite labelling myself as Christian, but at least i don't proselytise that it's idiocy to believe in God just because that means submitting to a will greater that yours.

Yes, i must concede, you're wittier, smarter, more charasmatic, funnier. more confident, more all-rounded etc than most people i know. But there really is a hole where your soul should be. Nothing can fill it because the chasm between you and humanity is just too deep.

Have you ever considered, for once, how the people whose feelings you've manipulated have felt? You said you'd headaches from guilt trips, but somehow i don't even find that plausible since you just repeat the same thing over and over. And everything forgiveness finally settles in (because being stupidshiyin i always find myself forgetting your flaws in exchange for your striking talents and not because you did something to redeem yourself), i find myself learning about something new you did to hurt someone. It's a viscious cycle, really.

I'm sorry i thought i knew you. I really thought i saw you for what you were like, flaws and all, and accepted the package. After all, i knew what you did to _ and _ and _ but it didn't matter to me then. Now, i realise you really are a labyrinth. I've tried to find the way through the convoluted passageways, managed to open some doors... I thought i knew what lay behind each facade, but now i know i never did. What if what i thought was a facade was the real thing, and i had been deluding myself into thinking otherwise? There's still so much ground i haven't covered, nor will i attempt to. This effort's costing much more than it deserves.

Labels: random musings, songs

1:02 AM
sparkled;

Saturday, August 01, 2009

I'm so pissed! My sister thinks * looks like a dinosaur! hahahahaha.

Anyway. It suddenly struck me how lucky i am to be in 3G. I really couldn't have asked for a better class. :D There isn't anyone remotely similar to _ here and everyone's so nice and all.

Yeah, _ has wit, leadership, sporting aptitude... but is totally devoid of character.

10:07 AM
sparkled;

God i pray that my resolve will hold.

Today went quite badly until my friends/classmates made me crack up. Celestine was so super cute, like "Don't worry i can share _________ with you!" Haha that totally made my day cause she's so innocently funny. :D

Hmm i didn't get to see ____ _____ today; where are you when i need your presence most!!!

Omg i'm so confused but i think i kinda do. Like during the whole episode today, all i could think of what ____ _____. Haha and __________________ (which he really does) hahaha that totally cracked me up teehee. Thank you for always making me laugh subconsciously or not.

Who said they all have to conform to your ideals? It's not a checklist where you tick of traits i guess.

12:16 AM
sparkled;

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

nothin' works like you
Today was a pretty good day. :)

Knock, Knock by Lenka
A second, a minute, an hour, a day goes by
I'm hopin' just to be by your side
I'm turnin' the handle, it won't open
Don't make me wait 'cause right now I need your smile
Knock, knock

When life had locked me out I turned to you
So open the door
'Cause you're all I need right now, it's true
Nothin' works like you

Little louder, little louder
Little louder knockin'
Little louder, little louder

A warm bath, a good laugh, an old song that you know by heart
I've tried it but they all leave me cold
So now I'm here waitin' to see you
My remedy for all that's been hurtin' me
Knock, knock

When life had locked me out I turned to you
So open the door
'Cause you're all I need right now, it's true
Nothin' works like you

You seem to know the way
To turn my frown upside down
You always know what to say
To make me feel like everything's okay

Little louder, little louder
Little louder knockin'
Little louder, little louder
Little louder knockin'

Little louder, little louder
Little louder knockin'
Little louder, little louder

When life had locked me out I turned to you
And you open the door
And you're all I need right now, it's true
Nothin' works like you

When life had knocked me down I turned to you
And you open the door
And you're all I need right now, it's true
Nothin' works like you
Nothin' works like you

When life had locked me out I turned to you
And you open the door
And you're all I need right now, it's true
Nothin' works like you

Love it! Simple, but there's a certain implicit truth ringing through it.

There are two kinds of people in the world. One type never ceases to fill you with joy everytime you chance upon them. Like a burst of sunshine, they are the warmth on a cold day. Like a rainbow, they are the colors in your black-and-white world. You can't stop smiling everytime they cross your mind, so much so that even your teacher realises and asks why. They seem to always know the way to turn your frown upside down. :)

Then there's the second type you are unfortunate enough to know: the ones who tug at your heartstrings despite your many efforts to shut them out. They are selfcentered, attention-seeking, completely uncaring. Passing them by never fails to dampen your moods. You try to ignore their existence but their little actions are the very cause for the frown type A never fails to chase away.

So tell me, who on earth would prefer type B over A? Who, in this hedonistic society that dispels masochism completely, would proudly admit that deep down, being happy with someone doesn't equate inclination?

I really don't know what in the world it is that i'm feeling. Yesterday, sitting at your usual table by myself, i just wished you would someone apparate all of a sudden right in front of me. I couldn't help smiling when i thought of the last time we were there together and the silly, fun things we did. And yet i know this isn't for real. How can it, when...

Labels: random musings, songs

6:48 PM
sparkled;

Monday, July 27, 2009

I was sitting here smiling for no reason; that's when I realized I was thinking of you
I'm really so tired of fighting the losing battle against mounting homework. Somehow they just seem to pile up faster than they disappear, such that you're always left with remnants of unfinished tutorials even after toiling a whole day over stacks of notes. I can't even remember any monday that Liza, Amanda and i didn't stay back chionging bio tutorials, multitasking between apologising to Moses for being late AGAIN, paraphrasing someone else's answer as we copy, and whining over how much we hate Bio. Nor can memory surface a Sunday night where i am not suddenly enlightened that i haven't touched Econs essay/case study, Math, Chem and Bio tutorials. I know it's my own fault for not being on task, resulting in having to stay back during breaks and after school to meet the deadlines for tutorials. I know i haven't been working as hard as someone with my grades should be, but i already feel like i've hit saturation point.

Doing work used to imbue me with a sense of satisfaction from ticking a piece of assignment off the to-do list. It is no longer the case. Now, all i feel after completing a stack of torturous notes is mental fatigue. This is followed closely by wondering how i'm expected to muster enough drive to start on the next tutorial.

And piano exam being round the corner just doesn't help. I haven't been practising at all and i know i should start given that the exam's a mere month away, but i can't. I don't know why i'm being plagued with this magnified lackadaisical attitude towards everything, really. I'm just so tired of trying. I don't know what has sapped up all my emotional energy but what is obvious is this: i have to retrieve it soon some way or another or face failing both piano and promos.

Already, I was on the verge of breaking down last friday during piano when Aunty Connie came bombarding me with, 'Did you practise?' This is one of the only times i've actually teared during a one-to-one class but it was all i could do to hold my tongue from yelling 'nononono can i just withdraw from the exam?'

Sigh. I know i was just blogging about how we should seize every moment we have and all yesterday, and yeah wallowing in remonstrations about how tough life is seems far irrelevant to maximizing your life...

Anyway, I read this on a friend's blog, but lest she minds being quoted, the name's obliterated.

'Like, that little tugging at your heart when you think about the past. About memories which mean nothing to the other person but mean the world to me. Memories which will probably stay with me forever and make me smile with a sort of weighed happiness, but will only make the other person dismiss it in a second.

请告诉他我已不爱他，但别告诉他我还想他.'

This basically sums up all that i've attempted (and failed) to translate into words. Not a torrent of emotions, just a tiny tugging which serves as reminder that it still matters, just that little. And the little comfort you derive from reminiscence is always weighed down by less-than-pleasant events that succeeded the happy ones. And while you know the feeling's gone, you can't help your mind wondering to him sometimes.

If only i'll meet * tomorrow because * never fails to brighten up my day. I realise the few times i'm actually smiling these days are usually catalyzed by thinking of *. But i guess i'm just yet another acquaintance to *. Hahaha.

Oh well. Practise piano.

Labels: random musings, rants

9:03 PM
sparkled;

Sunday, July 26, 2009

live like you're dying and never stop trying

One of these days you’ll be
under the covers you’ll be
under the table and you’ll realize
all of your days are numbered;
all of them one to one hundred.
All of them millions.
All of them trillions.
So what are you gonna do with them all?
You can not trade them in for more.
no no

Chorus 1:
Take every moment; you know that you own them.
It’s all you can do, use what’s been given to you

Give me a reason
to fight the feeling
that there’s nothing here for me.
Cause none of its easy,
I know it wasn’t meant to be.
I know it’s all up to me x2.
So what am I gonna do with my time?
oh

Chorus 2:
Ill take every moment, I know that I own them.
It’s all up to you to do whatever you choose.

Chorus 3:
Live like you’re dying and never stop trying.
It’s all you can do, use what’s been given to you

All of the moments you didn’t notice;
gone in the blink of an eye.
All of the feelings you couldn’t feel
no matter how you try.
oh oh

Chorus 1
Chorus 3 x2

oh oh

Chanced upon this song last night and am currently hooked on it. I love the lyrics, they make so much sense. Although i hate to think about life as being a long sentence with a concluding fullstop somewhere down the road, i can't help but be conscious, now more than ever before, of how transient this whole entity is. Perhaps it is sheer cowardice to fear what comes after life ceases because after all, as many philosophers have attempted wording, and i quote loosely, 'fear of death is but fear of the unknown'.

I beg to differ. The fear of death is so much more magnified than the fear of say, not knowing how you did for the Alevels. Yes, it comprises fear of the unknown, but it also encompasses the fear that you aren't maximizing the limited supply of time that you've been allocated. Ultimately the question is this: what am i going to do with my time?

Preachy and dowdy as this is going to sound, listening to that song kind of struck a chord - i wouldn't term it a wake-up call, but more of a reminder - that want to live life to the fullest. I always maintained the somewhat selfish mentality that, despite what Mother Theresa (or someone like her anyway) preaches about making a difference, all i want to be is happy. I don't have to be remembered as a great patron of the arts, a success story, a history-maker or a selfless, charitable social worker. All i want is to be happy in my lifetime. Life's so short, what else should you live for?

And i love the line Live like you're dying and never stop trying. I can't even begin to recall how many times i've given up things i've been really passionate about because they were deemed impractical, useless dabblings that had little bearing on my future endeavours. Or because i lacked any ounce of confidence to spur me to continue the pursuits of my interests. There was always this niggling doubt at the back of my mind that all my efforts would be inconsequential ultimately because i just didn't have the innate talent to polish my ability to perfection. And just like that, i've given up so many things. Looking back, it feels so foolish. Even if i failed, i could have said i did my best to master what i was interested in, no? And even if i failed, who cares?

Labels: epiphanies, random musings, songs

11:07 PM
sparkled;

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I'm so fatigued and there's still chem remedial tomorrow. T.T

Anyway i was so amused when i found out why _________ hasn't been coming hahaha. Although i hope they lift the ban soon. It's not that i really do, it's just a speck of color in an otherwise dull and mundane picture.

11:55 PM
sparkled;

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

nothing you do could change my mind
I really can't pinpoint what is wrong but something's just amiss. If we have a mood regulator which regulates our moods to equilibrium, mine's malfunctioning seriously.

And what * said today just didn't help at all. I know i've kinda been a phantom friend for the past seven months and i'm sorry, but i really don't think it warranted such an outburst.

Once, i stumbled along this quote that really struck a chord and resonated with me: For so long i've tried to be you that i've forgotten what it's like to be me. It's not that i actively attempt to emulate anyone in particular, but i can't remember the last time i really, truly put up no walls, no pretences, when i didn't try to conform to other people's standards. It's so tiring after a while.

Labels: random musings

9:32 PM
sparkled;

Thursday, July 16, 2009

if only good things come with no strings attached

11:10 PM
sparkled;

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

now there's a voice inside that's got me wondering, is it real?
Omg i really don't think i can stand ts any much longer. The only thing she cares for in the whole world is she, her and herself. She expects everyone to pander to her every whim and fancy. Her beauty is God's sole endowment to an otherwise-lacklustre world. Nothing takes emphasis over her affairs. Everyone is 'so stupid, so selfish, so immature' when juxtaposed against her unicorn-pure soul. No guy is worth her attention but pay it to her anyway.

Like, for God's sake, get a grip on yourself. I know, as Oscar Wilde aptly states, 'To love one's self is the beginning of a life-long romance'. But self-love at a level which has already outdone narcissism to border on megalomania? Surely that calls for some ego-check, doesn't it?

On a happier note, i feel so happy about my improving skin condition! This time last year i'd be bemoaning such a state of complexion but i know now that it can get far worse with the onset of stress and all. Yay thank God it's clearing up. The very notion that my sec 4 blemish-free skin is now well within grasp cheers me up so much! Bimbo as it sounds.. haha. Rachel and Liza's tuition classmate, a korean girl called Yongyi, has like flawless skin! It's not only blemish-free and fair, it totally radiates a pinkish, healthy glow from within. So that's how the term 'in the pink of health' originated. Love her skin seriously! And it's so unfair, all she uses is cleanser!?!? Just-cleanser got me to this state...

Anyway, we got back the last of our ct papers. A total wake-up call to start focusing mann. I got like ABUSE (haha rebecca's grades form BECS and mine form ABUSE!?!) until Mrs Ng 'bestowed' another mark for my Econs paper so that it's now ABESS. Haha oh well. mugmugmug!

Labels: mundane stuffies, rants

7:03 PM
sparkled;

Sunday, July 12, 2009

it kinda crept up and took me by surprise
Because Auntie Julie went out today while i was at their place, Gladys was super hyperactive; i almost died getting her to finish her science paper. But she's super cute and entertaining. It's hard to fathom how she remains this innocent at p5 but it's so fun hearing her hypotheses on life. Teaching her is a joy because she says such innocent stuff that makes me believe the world is much simpler than we all think after all. And she wants 5 kids gosh! I think even at the tender age of 11 (her age now), i knew 2 was the max.

Oh and she concurred on the theory that my skin is making progress hahaha. But i feel so much better looking into the mirror now that all the awful red splotches are shrinking phew. Contemplating going vegetarian for the time being until my skin reaches some equilibrium!

Ah on a more a serious note, i really have to up the mugging process. Wasted the whole weekend on Harry Potter such that i haven't completed Econs Case studies 2 and 3, Math Functions tutorial and Chem Energetics tutorial, all due tomorrow. Great. And we're getting back our GP and Econs cts next week. Failure i bet. :/

It's weird how some people just have a knack in making you happy. A smile, a joke, a tap, even a mere appearance can plaster a smile to your face the whole day. Yet deep down you know it really ain't anything. And there are others who torment you with their very presence, whose laughter becomes your tears, whose joys become your pain, whose change wreak havoc in your life... those are ironically the ones who leave the deepest imprints.

Labels: random musings

8:54 PM
sparkled;

there's a beauty in walking away
After much whining, differin and dalacin t, not to mention downing hateful veggies from the yong tau foo stall at least twice a week at lunch, i am glad to announce my skin is finally improving! If ever so slightly.

Hmm i did rather abysmally for the cts although i guess these results are well within expectations. All the hours frittered away in the canteen, on the phone, at cafe cartel... well let's just say i could have put to better use.

On friday Liza, Vera, Jo, Biang, Dong, Beatrice, Xuan De, Zeb, Bailu, Jon Lee and i went for lunch at pizza hut after school. While most of us got student meals, like tiny pizzas, Xuan De and Dong shared two large pizzas because there was a one-for-one offer on. The pizza was a whooping 13 inch, totally more than enough for 3 people, but they actually managed to finish two all by themselves. :O It was rather amusing to see them stop participating in the conversation after a while because it was hard to juggle between stuffing down slices of pizza and keeping up with the bitch-about-OBS session haha.

Whining about the terrible heat and awful trekking aside, i kind of miss OBS! All we had to worry about, although it did seem enough at that time, was how to cook an edible dinner for once, or how to survive the heat from trekking and not get to sun burnt.

Oh and Dong told us a funny story about how _______ (identity protected!) folded his unfinished pizza thrice and stuffed it into his mouth because they had to leave already. hahaha!

Beauty in walking away - Marie Digby

A light shines off
In the distance
A pale flickering glow
How many times
Do I have to dream
That I could be there
The time is here
And she won't be
Waiting for me
To find the easy way out
I've lost count of the days
That were wasted

There's an answer
In the sound of a train
There is wisdom
Past the bridge on the bay
There's a lifetime
Through the fog
In the rain
There's a beauty
In walking away

I float on the streets
That are empty
Take the path
That the wind only knows
Tonight is the last time
That I'll ever be here

There's an answer
In the sound of a train
There is wisdom
Past the bridge on the bay
There's a lifetime
Through the fog
In the rain
There's a beauty
In walking away

It's never quite simple
It's never that safe
It never seems perfect
Until it's too late
It's never the right time
To find a new way

There's an answer
In the sound of a train
There is wisdom
Past the bridge on the bay
There's a lifetime
Through the fog
In the rain
There's a beauty
In walking away

It inspired me to write my first poem since May 24th which, coincidentally enough, was inspired by another song. I guess the lack of emotional upheaval lately have been depleting my abilities in this aspect. That's great because it indicates that everything has pretty much settled in place with little else to worry about, but not as welcome because i won't be producing anything of personal literary fulfilment as often.

taking one step further from the fork in the road,
where mist is creeping in to slowly envelope
and knowing future endeavours will broaden our scope,
we journey into the unfathomable unknown

taking two steps further from the divergence of paths
where it hurts to go but dawdling won't last,
and so leaving remains the one last task,
we wheedle through memories; remnants of the past

taking three steps further from the deviation of course
where we march on though we feel alone and lost
and knowing what this parting cost,
we pay it with tears, pain and remorse.

taking hundred steps further from the parting of ways
where we turn to catch a glimpse of everything else that stayed
and we know even now that goodbye is all there's left to say;
there's a beauty in walking away.

On a personal level, i really feel that there's a certain enigma and beauty of being able to let go and walk away. Investing in something emotionally is never easy - it takes time, effort, sacrifice. No one in their right state of mind would disagree that where this is concerned, everyone hopes for the end rather than the maturing involved in the process. And so, it must take a great deal of determination and fortitude to call it quits, to see everything you've sowed cast aside into the dingy recesses of the mind, only allowed to resurfaced for reminiscence after time has adequately erased all emotions associated with it. That's the beauty in walking away: the courage to soldier on despite how much it's tearing you apart and in spite of everything you've invested because you know it's for the best.

Labels: outing, poem, random musings, songs

1:28 AM
sparkled;

Friday, July 10, 2009

it kinda crept up and took me by surprise
It's so silly how something so insignificant and silly can be blown out of proportions to this magnitude. Gosh i really hate myself for being so utterly lax in handling issues and always being too trusting and to quick to confide.

And the crowning achievement is i don't even know what i feel/think about them anymore. I never realised the true weight of the three words 'i don't know' till today when i realised that was all i could answer to every of Celestine's questions. Yes/No questions are supposed to be the simplest and most direct but really, sometimes all there is is i really don't know.

Which is worse? To know bad news and work on solving it, or not being able to confirm either side? The latter spares you the pain of feeling the gravity of the bad news but it's driving me mad just thinking of the 101 possibilities and knowing nothing save the fact that i don't know anything about everything.

And no, this isn't a feeble attempt at philosophical musings.

Labels: rants

1:28 AM
sparkled;

Monday, July 06, 2009

so to keep from telling her a lie
Term officially began last monday but it only starts tomorrow proper after the cts. This means we haven't been having regular lessons for a month and a week! Kinda apprehensive; i don't want to screw up semester 2 like i did 1. CCA's suspended indefinitely thanks to h1n1 and assembly cancelled as well, which means each day begins at 745, a little extra time to sleep in? :)

Anyway, Vanessa, Marcus, Xuan De and i went to interview an mp, Mr Baey, today at redhill, for pw. It was a combined interview session with one other rj group and one from dunman high. We were the most - quote Xuan De - 'Stone Age' group. While the other two groups came armed with laptops and high tech cameras (i.e. the huge, professional, 1000 bucks a set kind), all we had was a measly tape recorder and pen and paper for note taking. Also, we had to rely on Marcus' digital cam which was low on battery, Vanessa's cam which could only record 45 seconds of film, and even Xuan De's cellphone. And as a tripod, we had Vanessa's old shoe box while the dunman group brought an actual, professional-looking trip stand. Haha it was really quite an interesting sight. Fortunately, the interview went rather well.

Oh and Xuan De said Dr Chan told him there are a couple of failures for chem, of which i bet i am one. :/

On a side note, i can't wait for Half-blood Prince to be out! Rewatched Philosopher's Stone last night and Chamber of Secrets today for the billionth time. Totally miss the Harry Potter world.

Anyway Kayleigh to entice you to actually listen to this song, here are the lyics:

Sa-a-a-d movies always make me cry

He said he had to work so I went to the show alone
They turned down the lights and turned the projector on
And just as the news of the world started to begin
I saw my darlin' and my best friend walk in

Though I was sittin' there they didn't see
And so they sat right down in front of me
When he kissed her lips I almost died
And in the middle of the color cartoon I started to cry.

Oh-oh-oh sa-a-a-d movies always make me cry
Oh-oh-oh sa-a-a-d movies always make me cry

And so I got up and slowly walked on home
And mama saw the tears and said “what's wrong?”
And so to keep from telling her a lie
I just said “sa-a-a-d movies make me cry”

Oh-oh-oh sa-a-a-d movies always make me cry
Oh-oh-oh sa-a-a-d movies always make me cry

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Sa-a-a-d movies make me cry-y-y

I love oldies! They always seem to have this hauting effect, don't you think.

Labels: school, songs

11:33 PM
sparkled;

Sunday, July 05, 2009

reading
So today i finished South of the border, west of the sun by Haruki Murakami and, like virtually every other book penned by a Japanese author - okay not that i have read that many, of course - its ending left many unanswered questions.

Why is it that the likes of Murakami and Ishigoro love leaving their readers high and dry so abruptly? I guess it's supposed to be some arty-fartsy literary device. Y'know, like how it captures life as having no concrete and clear endpoint where you put the '.' and draw the line. But such endings which provide no proper closure really robs the readers of their deserved catharsis. I never get the 'purging of feelings' effect, not in the typical definition of the word 'purging', but more like i feel annoyed ploughing through so many pages to have all the little questions thrown out in the body left unanswered in the end? Oh yeah, another literary device: open ending, leave it to the reader's discerning mind and imagination.

Call me a philistine with no appreciation nor eye for fine art, but i still feel that novels should not just be credited by the questions they inundate the reader with, but by the tying of knots and loose ends.

That's not to say the author should adopt the preachy, moral high horse stance in which he throws out a question, say, 'Is abortion ethical?', and attempts to foster a certain mindset in the reader by providing answers in say, the ultimate karma of someone who heartlessly aborts her child. When i say 'tying of knots and loose ends', i refer to those of plot developments.

Anyway i'm on to The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova now. Its volumninous - 642 pages - but is quite the page-turner and i love how it's going so far. Reminds me of Shadow of the Wind, one of my favourite books, by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. In fact, if memory serves, i recall The Historian being one of the recommended reads alongside Shadow of the Wind in this libary catalogue. I'm guessing that whilst being entertaining, it isn't completely devoid of literary merit either because Gothic fiction always resonates this haunting sense of beauty, to me at least. It's one of my favourite genres! Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, Rebecca by Daphne du Muriel, Shadow of the Wind... even Frankenstein wasn't that bad because of its gothic elements haha.

Another philistine-worthy thought though, well-acclaimed literature aren't books you would describe as being 'unable to set down', no?

Anyway i realised it's been a month since i read a book, the last one being The Remains of the day by Kazuo Ishigoro. Haha gotta catch up on the reading!

Labels: book review, random musings

1:19 AM
sparkled;

Saturday, July 04, 2009

you talk about us like there's no end in sight
Today, Kitty (she beseeched me to exclude her name cause she wasn't supposed to be with us haha like your new name dear?), Biang, Dong, Bea, Vanessa and i went for Amanda's church's drama production at Lavender. A drama-filled day seriously, but fun anyway.

So because it was Dong's seventeenth on Wednesday, we decided to celebrate it belatedly today and arranged to meet at 6 pm at Bugis to get his gift and have dinner-cum-mini-celebration. Because i had piano right before that, i was half an hour late, and because we hadn't gotten his present yet, Biang had to call Dong and lie about being late so that he'd come a little later and give us buffer time to get his gift etc! Note: i did aural today and because i can never get the tune/rhythm right in sightsinging, my lesson was extended until i finally managed to get the tune 75% right. (I never ever hit perfect pitch.)

So when i arrived, Biang and Kitty were already there choosing Dong's present and we finally settled on a new urban male shirt whose color was so Dong haha.

Then, we went to food junction to borrow a flame to light the candles on the birthday cake (this super tiny breadtalk cake Kitty managed to buy) while Biang went to fetch Dong. The staff at one of the jap stalls were really nice. They lent us their bowl, flame and spoons (i think?) without having us buy anything! Haha after we finally managed to 'set the cake' up, Bea, Kitty and i waited at the entrance and Kitty hid behind a poster with the cake so that we could surprise Dong. And because they took so darned long to arrive, the candles were virtual stumps by the time Dong arrived. Hahaha fail. :/

Haha and because we realised we had no paper plates, tissue whatever for the cake, Bea got us spoons and we just ate from the cake itself hahaha. It was quite pathetic because the cake was seriously freaking small and we only managed to get a four sitter table when there were five of us so Kitty, Bea and i had to squeeze. Then after much time lag buying dinner, cutting and eating the baby cake, we finally realised it was so darned late and hurriedly went to cold storage to buy Amanda's flowers and spent ages outside bugis junction trying to find the taxi stand and hail a cab.

Turns out, the cab driver was pretty nice because she allowed the 5 of us in with nothing but a reminder that 'eh next time cannot 5 people unless one of y'all is below 12', but her sense of direction was as bad as ours and didn't know where Amanda's church was. So we alighted halfway and attempted to find the church ourselves (oh and the fare was freaking 9 bucks from bugis to lavender!?) but failed intensely. We just dawdled up and down kitchener road and stoned beside the traffic light for hours deciding on the game plan. It was sheer torture cause Kitty and i were wearing our shoes for the first time, haven't 'broken into' them and they hurt like hell! Practically limping the whole time.

But finally, finally, after a million calls to vanessa to ask for directions (she went there directly cause she didn't meet us for dinner) we managed to find Amanda's church! Haha we only caught like the second half unfortunately after all that time wastage, but at least we got to see her act and dance a bit. It was really funny and Amanda looked really pretty :) But because we were late, we were asked to sit in this tiny room right at the back for toddlers (haha those who attend church should know what i mean) with a bunch of annoying, attention-seeking guys who just had to give their two cents' worth on every line throughout the production. Haha later we asked Dong and Biang why they didn't ask them to shut up and Dong was like 'they taller than us leh, never seek a fight you cannot meet' or sthg haha damn funny.

And Biang, Dong and i ended up eating our take-aways at the church stairwell which was super unglam according to Biang. :O

Despite all the hiccups, it was really fun today: boon keng joke that Biang can't get, limping around bugis, the joke about 'selective schools' etc etc haha i laughed so much! Can't wait to go out again, becs/clarks is anything on! Finally a semblence of a normal life after cts!

I wanna go cycling or kayaking, anyone up for it!

say it again - marie digby
The thing about love
Is i never saw it coming
It kinda crept up and took me by surprise
And now there`s a voice inside my heart that`s got me wondering
Is this true, i want to hear it one more time

Move in a little closer
Take it to a whisper
Just a little louder

Say it again for me
Cuz i love the way it feels when you are telling me that i`m
The only one who blows your mind
Say it again for me
It`s like the whole world stops to listen
When you tell me you`re in love
Say it again

Thing about you is you know just how to get me
You talk about us like there`s no end in sight
The thing about me is that i really want to let you
Open that door and walk into my life

Move in a little closer
Take it to a whisper
Just a little louder

Say it again for me
Cuz i love the way it feels when you are telling me that i`m
The only one who blows your mind
Say it again for me
It`s like the whole world stops to listen
When you tell me you`re in love

And it feels like it`s the first time
That anybody's ever brought the sun without the rain
And never in my whole life
Have I heard words as beautiful as when you say my name

Say it again for me
Cuz i love the way it feels when you are telling me that i`m
The only one who blows your mind
Say it again for me
It`s like the whole world stops to listen
When you tell me you`re in love
Say it again

When you tell me you`re in love
Say it again

On my way home today, i walked past the same lamp i have been walking past for the past 4 years. The lamp's interior is always infested with lizards trying to sneak some warmth and light in the cold of the night, a sight i see but try to avoid every night because i absolutely abhor the slimy creatures. But today, i took a second glance for some reason and noticed the disgusting creature's little legs (is that what you call them anyway?) And for some reason again, it kinda reminded me of sec 3 when i didn't know how to draw a lizard for Bio journal and _______ went over to a neighbour's house just to find one to describe precisely how it looked to me.

And this song just dredged up memories, i never thought i'd say this but i miss _______. It's been eons since we last talked properly, more precisely, about one and a half years. I used to never think it would end because we had so many silly little plans for after jc and all that. We talked like there was no end in sight. Obviously i knew they were too impractical to ever materialize, but i think all that planning set the mindset that we would just always be friends or whatever regardless of the many gaps. But i guess it's true when they say all good things come to an end sooner or later.

Labels: funny stuff, outing, random musings, reminiscence, songs

1:09 AM
sparkled;

Friday, July 03, 2009

post cts!
So cts are over but the only subject i'm confident of passing is math. :/ Bio was relatively okay actually but i spent so much time trying to stuff the whole DNA notes into my head that i left out enzyme, on which the bulk the bulk of the paper tested on. Totally couldn't remember what allosteric inhibition was!

Oh so we to lido after bio yesterday. Kinda missed the place. Seems eons ago that we had brunch there every day in between classes during the options period.

Somehow it wasn't really like old times when we just sat and laughed and talked about the most ridiculous things like azahar etc, though. For one, instead of all 8 or 9 of us sitting together, which naturally called for the large tables, it was only kayleigh, liza and me yesterday (rach had to leave early to buy her grandma chicken for lunch haha) and it just wasn't as euphoric as it was previously.

I really miss all of them: deb, mengxia, zhulin, kim... We see one another at school every day but it's just a passing 'hi, you've lecture now?' and little else. :/

Labels: reminiscence

1:34 PM
sparkled;

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

feels like insomnia
One more paper left! Math was okay but econs and chem were mega screwed. I dont recall ever leaving a quarter worth of marks totally blank, like not-even-attempting-hell-didnt-even-get-to-read-the-question blank (for chem) in my life. And econs, i wrote like half the minimum of four pages? Gosh. I think i'll only pass math for this cts unless bio turns out to be super easy but i highly doubt so. Nothing's going into my head and i'm still left with DNA (II) and Meiosis reading. Note: reading, not memorizing. Damn, i think i've completely forgotten everything about proteins and what not already.

Can't wait for tomorrow to be over, amanda's concert on friday and clarks is going out after bio i think yay! I wanna watch my jap love story but liza's all 'RMB THE TAKESHI SHOW YOU MADE US WATCH LAST YEAR?!' Gosh it's more than one freaking year ago can you believe it??! We went to watch that after MYAs last year which ended before june hols. Ahhh miss rg/410 a lot.

Haha i realise it's kinda weird that the moment i reach school i'll call rachel or liza and after every paper kayleigh; we're so close it's almost family. Love you guys!

And gosh, does anyone know of any cure to insomnia? I've been having chronic insomnia since God knows when seriously. How pathetic to be unable to do something as basic and enjoyable as sleeping efficiently. I am totally unable to fall asleep at any time earlier than 2. And even at 2 am, i perpetually toss and turn for at least 45 mins before getting a wink of sleep. And even afternoon naps, my favourite activity ever, have been deprived of me because i just can't sleep!

Apparently my type of insomnia is onset insomnia, i.e. difficulty falling asleep at the beginning of the night and it's often associated with anxiety disorders. T.T i don't even know what i'm anxious about. It can't be cts since i'm in total slacking mode already even though there's still bio tomorrow. :/

Insomnia lyrics

I never thought that I'd fall in love, love, love, love
But it grew from a simple crush, crush, crush, crush
Being without you girl, I was all messed up, up, up, up
When you walked out, said that you'd had enough-nough-nough-nough

Been a fool, girl I know
Didn't expect this is how things would go
Maybe in time, you'll change your mind
Now looking back i wish i could rewind

Because i can't sleep til you're next to me
No i can't live without you no more
Oh i stay up til you're next to me
Til this house feels like it did before
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah

Remember telling my boys that I'd never fall in love, love, love, love
You used to think I'd never find a girl I could trust, trust, trust, trust
And then you walked into my life and it was all about us, us, us, us
But now I'm sitting here thinking I messed the whole thing up, up, up, up

Been a fool (fool), girl I know (know)
Didn't expect this is how things would go
Maybe in time (time), you'll change your mind (mind)
Now looking back i wish i could rewind

Because i can't sleep til you're next to me
No i can't live without you no more (without you no more)
Oh i stay up til you're next to me (to me)
Til this house feels like it did before (Because it)
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah (Ah), Feels like insomnia ah ah

Ah, i just can't go to sleep
Cause it feels like I've fallen for you
It's getting way too deep
And i know that it's love because

I can't sleep til you're next to me
No i can't live without you no more (without you no more)
Oh i stay up til you're next to me (to me)
Til this house feels like it did before
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah

Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah

Haha Insomnia by Craig David, tribute to this awful disease. If only my insomnia arises from missing someone - which i don't - instead of this weird, inexplicable anxiety disorder thing. Grah :/

Oh on a side note since it just crossed my mind, when we were still innocent little rg/ri kids, and little as in lower sec which was damn long ago, i used to wonder if i would end up in the same exam hall as ___ ___ but now that we do, it's so laughable that i don't even give a damn? I didn't even notice until i was walking to the toilet haha.

What deb says is so true, a few years from now, are you still going to remember them? And even if you do, would you still care?

Labels: CTs, friends, random musings, songs

11:50 PM
sparkled;

Monday, June 29, 2009

whatever
Talking to deb today really put everything into perspective. 10 years from now, am i going to look back and go 'but i still wanna know they were saying' or would i be, 'uh who's that again?'

I know these concepts and they are words that flow automatically when i am advising someone instead, but when you're stuck waist-deep in the situation yourself, it's so hard to take a step back and see how miniscule something is against the larger canvas of life. It takes someone rational to put everything into perspective, and for that, thanks so much deb love you a lot.(:

Oh and kayleigh's talk kind of helped too because it made me laugh so much, although i'm definitely not about to enact anything she advised anytime soon haha. Today we realised we can memorize each other's mobile and home phone number from calling each other too much! lol.

I'm just gonna try my hardest to remain completely unaffected, easier said than done but, like everything else in life, it will get progressively easier with time and effort. Why should i care so much about the opinions of people who don't even matter?

'Just be yourself; life's too short to be anyone else.' It's so easy to just quote this off but when it comes to crux of the matter, can you really do it?

Labels: random musings

7:01 PM
sparkled;

Sunday, June 28, 2009

burnt out
Omg i really hate her bitchy attitude. Like, 'i'm so freaking pretty, everyone look at me, i'm the best, i'm beautiful, i'm so confident because i have what it takes.' Uh, screw off?

I really can't stand her attitude anymore. Every day i've to face it and question myself: am i really not as good? God i'm just so so so tired of this. Yeah you may say blame it on yourself if you just aren't as confident but forgodssake, try this. As long as i can remember there have been competition, comparisons. I'm so tired of this okay?

If i ever decide on having children, i swear one's the cap or test tube babies to get children of different genders to minimize that 'i'm better than you' attitude. It's a torture hearing all these seriously.

Confidence is but a euphemism of self absorbtion or megalomania. If confidence makes you say, 'i'm prettier than her but you're not', if that's what you term confidence, then thank God i don't have any of it.

5:18 PM
sparkled;

Saturday, June 27, 2009

didn't you say if we've a problem we should work it out?
Hi world it's 340 am now :O.

I think jc/cts are seriously taking a toll on everyone. I'm so burnt out seriously and having inexplicable insomnia just doesn't help. I just hit the halfway mark for bio and math yesterday, finished the chem tutorials but am still insanely unprepared for it, and am superrr dead for econs which, by chance, i just found out to be the first paper. Great. I think i should count myself lucky if i even manage to scrap 3 passes and like a D for econs or sth. I've seriously never felt less prepared for any exam because there's just too much ground to cover.

Mugging session with Mingxuan at sun plaza mos burger today was okay. In between reminiscizing over the innocent, happy secondary school days in rg/cathigh, i managed to do a little chem bonding from his twenty year series. Omg there are damn weird questions with all sorts of funny compounds - the more you attempt the more you realise you don't know. And popular's out of stock on the TYS, anyone has any clue on where to get them?

Oh i found out something shocking about my exclassmate, ______. Gosh, to think i was innocently thinking ______ was semi-gay/too innocent for all these stuff! Living proof that you can never judge a book by its cover.

Ahhhh i really really really miss primary/secondary school days. Life was that good then. Hanging out at the void decks/812 bus stops eating popsicles and gossiping over nothing, playing at yishun park's sandpits and swings, challenging one another to the monkey bar, getting rope burns at the fitness corner, slowly taking our time when running an errand for a teacher then pretending to run when we reach the last ten metres back to class, stupid truth or dare sessions where we confessed it out, videoing a certain sport just for a certain someone... primary school was a virtual heaven seriously.

Oh well.

Mugged a little at woodlands library yesterday too. The whole second floor was flooded with jc students; quite a few from rj! I met tricia and her friend mugging there. It was quite funny, i was attempting this normal distribution question and could hear this group of njc students going, 'huh so this is possion approximation or what?' And when trying to look for seats, i noticed this spare table with like a stack of notes on them, and on closer inspection, haha guess what, it was the bane of my existence - chem bonding notes from none other than rjc! lol.

Grahh piano early tomorrow still, don't you just envy me?

Labels: mugging sessions

2:28 AM
sparkled;

Friday, June 26, 2009

do you feel the same, or am i only dreaming?
lovelovelove this line! Nah can't relate to it now, but it's sweet all the same, no? :)

liza. says:
we had econs make up?

shiyin says:
yeah biang said we had

liza. says:
ohmann
and u never come
when u are in sgp all along

shiyin says:
yeah i didnt, did you?

liza. says:
o.O
duh no

shiyin says:
i didnt know abt it!!!

liza. says:
i dun even know!
YEAH SAME

shiyin says:
we srsly suck
lol

liza. says:
i bet we were busy talking

shiyin says:
YA
knowing us!
hahaha

liza. says:
about some stuff
YEA

shiyin says:
HAHA
omg i think i even know what stuff we were talking abt when they announcd it
lol

shiyin says:
must be _______ and ______
hahahah

liza. says:
HAHAHAHAHAHA
totally!

Omg funny convo with liza. Haha oh and this (i quote from memory cause i didnt save the convo)

liza. says:
if i create some 'how well do you know liza' quiz only we'll know what the questions about

shiyin says:
yeah totally, i'll score 100% lor.

liza. says:
yeah i ask 'what's my fav fruit?' a) strawberry, b) pineapple c) apple d) yam. then even my sister won't know the answer

shiyin says:
hahhahahahahha, yeah man only clarks can get that!

Omg it totally cracked me up. And again, unless you're in clarks, i doubt you'd understand the convos above hahaha. Love them alot. I think i haven't written something like that for a very long time but "Thanks so much for being a part of my life!"

Telepathy with someone is not an innate quality, it is something which develops and grows with time - over coffee and emo talks at cafe cartel, over late night msn convos and 'my life sucks' smses, over laughing like a bunch of frivolous bimbos during lectures and frequent toilet trips to skip lessons together, over spotting eye candies and gossiping about the same few people through the years, over sharing a million secrets and a billion phone calls, over taking the same train and studying at the same few haunts for five years, over shifting from one phase to the next together, over cold warring and fighting but making up later, over tolerating one another's quirks and loving them anyway, over sharing of dreams and insecurities, over getting to really know each other.

Clarks, Becs, and many others, thanks so much (: Oh i saw rebecca on my way to the library just now, first time in a month omg, miss you!

Oh and i realise, i am an outrageously awful daughter. I keep getting these guilt trips and promising myself i'll be better, but i just don't. I'm so rude, mean and hurting to my father and always cause so much trouble for my mum, you know if i were my father/mother, i'd have disown such a lousy daughter long ago. The one true love i really believe it, practicality and realism factored in, is familial love. It's the only kind of love that really is blind to flaws, looks, mistakes. I doubt that any love can supercede parental love.

Labels: friends, funny stuff

12:36 AM
sparkled;

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

nothing feels right when i'm not with you
Did some bio and math today, feel quite productive and stable. I realise i actually kinda like studying, if i can get myself down to it that is. There's this inexplicable sense of achievement when you put a red tick to an answer - even more so in chem or math, or when you finish ploughing through a thick wad of notes. Mugging is also oddly therapeutic, gets your mind off other pressing issues, kills loneliness, and induces a sense of control... That for someone who ain't a workaholic.

Haha i sound like i'm doing an advert on the pros of sucking it up and studying for some education board or something huh. Guess that means i'm in my firm-resolve-clear-focus mode which, hopefully, lasts till the end of next week. Although i can hardly trust that to happen given the number of fluctuations over the past fortnight. But, as mentioned earlier, i always seem to oscillate between focused, okayly-satisfied-with-everything and the doldrums of hopelessness. Ahhh hate my volatility.

Hmm i never realised it in the past, but now that i'm in it myself, i realise that most of the people mugging at libraries or whatever are in jc, as validated by their bulky, uniform GCs.

Okay guess this means back to periodicity.

6:06 PM
sparkled;

shiyin says:
i got an eye for unpolished diamonds what
lol

liza. says:
LOL
find another one?
garnet also can

shiyin says:
HAHAHAH

then...

shiyin says:
he's gonna be in the jungle getting bitten by mosquito bites

shiyin says:
while i sit in aircon but mugging for As

shiyin says:
get what i mean?

liza. says:
like wait outside the pulau tekong?
HAHAHA
then we both rent helicopter
and fly over tyhere

shiyin says:
hahaha! you fly there for what!
for lookalike?

liza. says:
YES
HAHAHA
like at night
we go to their dorm

shiyin says:
wtpong

liza. says:
then we whisper while they're sleeping

shiyin says:
later they shoot us

liza. says:
'u must like liza'

shiyin says:
"shiyin/liza are the ones for you!"

liza. says:
HAHAHA
YESS

shiyin says:
haha i knew it!

shiyin says:
oh but i saw some unglam photos of him T.T

liza says:
hahaha cause his friends dun wan to be uglified

shiyin says:
hahah good one!
i got a feeling he can get into ocs
omgomg

liza. says:
which part of him shows like he;s damn fit?
except his face

shiyin says:
hahaha
your sense of humour is improving every day

Haha funny msn convo with liza last night.

Darn i really really can't comprehend why i'm inundated with all these crazy moodswings that make you go so down one moment and okay the next. Poor kayleigh, rachel and celestine have been plagued with my calls the whole hols on the same old topic. I swear i really don't know what it is this time. Hormonal, stress, or what! It just sucks to feel so helpless in controlling your own moods T.T

12:01 AM
sparkled;

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Ah i've no idea why i've been having such perpetual moodswings of late. This morning, last night, the night before... I'm constantly inundated with notions of failure and giving up.

The path ahead seems so meaningless; i just don't have the drive to see it through. It seems like everything's coming to a naught and it's just so, pointless. And i have no idea why i'm feeling this way. It's like the small, logical, rational side of me knows that i just have to do my part for now and everything will work out, but the larger, emotional part just keeps wanting to give in.

And thinking about everything that happened makes it so so much worse. I wish everyone could somehow develop amnesia, me included, to blot out all the memory. It's not that i even care about * anymore. I just can't tolerate the thought of anyone remembering anything of it and have this insurmountable urge to dislodge it by inundating my/everyone else's brains with a sensation to displace that stupid thing. That explains why i don't even wanna talk about it. And i wish to hell i had never met all those people. Seriously, i just want to turn back the clock hands and alter everything.

I know i'll feel better later because such episodes are purely, or mostly anyway, moodswing-induced, but it just feels awful when they are making their rounds.

But thanks celestine for yesterday it was damn funn even though we ended up not doing work. It's so weird that joking about all that, stuff not even real, can lift our spirits so much, isn't it?

I think i'd be so much happier now if i ___ ____ _____. After celes floated that notion, i'm actually beginning to realise it's true? Omg is that bad :/ haha.

Labels: rants, the awful days

1:50 PM
sparkled;

Thursday, June 18, 2009

i wish that i could make you see, this is where you ought to be :D

Stuff i've done:
1) stoichem tutorial
2) atomic structure tutorial
3) chem bonding tutorial (haha thanks everyone who tried answering my incessant, confusing questions online!)
4) p & c tutorial
5) p & c assignment
6) probability tutorial
7) probability assignment
8) rereading firms (I) notes
9) started on firms (II) notes

As seen, i haven't started on freaking bio at all, unless you count reading DNA & Genomics (I) which i totally can't remember at all. And bio's the heaviest subject, am i screwed or what! :/

Hmm i finished Desperate Housewives season 5 this hols. It's still really interesting, dramatic and the jibes are still first class hahaha. I really marvel at how the producers manage to churn out season after season of witty lines and intriguing plots. Beats Gossip Girl hands down (aside from the better looking cast in gg) if you ask me. I hope Julie gets back with Austin from season 3 although he has since disappeared throughout season 4 and 5.

My mum's watching East of Eden (i'm banned from watching any more drama besides the 7 pm show), think it's quite good. I seriously miss the sublime themes of korean dramas that fills you renewed ideals. The last good k-drama i watched was coffee prince which was like a longlong time ago. Recent ones i watched, e.g. Stained Glass and all the other korean family shows, kinda sucked. Someone recommend me something!

1:47 PM
sparkled;

a little more each time(:
Omg i'm super envious of anyone who has finished the A-levels.

shiyin says:
is your chem any good/can u rmb anything about chem from jc?

[kleb] : And it starts sometime around midnight.. Or at least that's when you lose yourself for a minute or two.. says:
hahahaa errrm
i rmb SOME stuff i guess
i can't possibly forget everything... i think...

shiyin says:
well given that it's you it's hard to say

shiyin says:
why is there pdpd interaction in ether molecule (CH3CH2OCH3)

[kleb] : And it starts sometime around midnight.. Or at least that's when you lose yourself for a minute or two.. says:
HAAHAHA
tts... errmm..
what's pdpd interaction again? lol

shiyin says:
omg. permanent dipole permanent dipole interaction lol

[kleb] : And it starts sometime around midnight.. Or at least that's when you lose yourself for a minute or two.. says:
oh ok... what's the formula again?
lemme try n think haha
so fun!! lol

shiyin says:
fun my foot ah i fail chem:(
(CH3CH2OCH3)

[kleb] : And it starts sometime around midnight.. Or at least that's when you lose yourself for a minute or two.. says:
omg
haha
ok i think its something to do with the shape of the molecule right?
cuz of the lone pair on the O i think

shiyin says:
but the net dipole moment shld be 0 right cause C-O-C then cancel out
not meh

[kleb] : And it starts sometime around midnight.. Or at least that's when you lose yourself for a minute or two.. says:
errm but both sides won't be equal mah
on one side is CH3CH2 on the other side is juz CH3
haha
its SOMETHING to do with the shape I THINK
don't tell ur mom i say one if its wrong haha
man.. i'm so not ready for uni...
die..

shiyin says:
omg my younger older cousin is more intelligent
shiyin says:
鱼 says:
oh yeah
鱼 says:
OK. oxygen is Group VI, right? so it has six valence electrons.
鱼 says:
if you remember the structure of water, it's bent with the two lone pairs of electrons.
鱼 says:
in ether, there are also the two lone pairs of electrons, so the ether molecule is a bent shape.

shiyin says:
hahahah nevermind la you're not taking in uni so it's okay

[kleb] : And it starts sometime around midnight.. Or at least that's when you lose yourself for a minute or two.. says:
eh i told u pretty much the same thing haha
i told u the lone pairs!!
ur biased -_-

shiyin says:
hahahahh! are you busy?

[kleb] : And it starts sometime around midnight.. Or at least that's when you lose yourself for a minute or two.. says:
nope i'm never really busy

[kleb] : And it starts sometime around midnight.. Or at least that's when you lose yourself for a minute or two.. says:
unless i'm gaming hardcore =P
hahaha
so what other questions u have?
i'm quite cleva u know :P
haha

shiyin says:
why HF molecule can be H bonded to a max of 2 other HF? why not 4?

[kleb] : And it starts sometime around midnight.. Or at least that's when you lose yourself for a minute or two.. says:
huh
lol ok this i have no clue haha

shiyin says:
ok nvm yu er jiejie say she not sure on this too

[kleb] : And it starts sometime around midnight.. Or at least that's when you lose yourself for a minute or two.. says:
haha
ok tt makes me feel abit less stupid lol

If only i could
1) say 'what's pdpd interaction again?' when someone asks me about pdpd
2) think chem is 'so fun' cause i know i'm not gonna be tested
3) be 'never really busy unless i'm gaming hardcore'
4) be okay not 'remembering everything' abt chem
5) not need all this for uni anymore anyway!

Can you imagine life like that! Away from dipole moments. Blissful life man.

Haha on that train of thought, sg is super happygolucky and cantbebothered about upcominginfourmonths As wth. I can't stop laughing when i think about sg's goal to maintain his abysmal CT1 grades, but like kayleigh thinks i'm damn mean for 'well they can't drop any much further'. hahaha. And rachel said sg looks like a super happy person with alot of life. Good judgement seriously so funny :D:D

And besides being super envious of anyone above jc2, life's okay i guess. It would be better though if
1) term break got extended by a week due to swine flu (any chance?!)
2) i somehow ___ __ ____ ____ _____! Sometimes i wonder if we're but pieces in this chess game engineered by God such that i encounter different people with a stroke of luck each time, but it didn't actually mean anything. Otherwise, why do we seem to have so much meetingbyaccidentfate but little else?
3) i get to meet clarks soon! Miss you guys!
4) my skin gets better. Gosh i was contemplating turning vegetarian because a green diet seems to be, as testified by many, chicken soup for the flawless skin. But rachel tan just had to burst the bubble by going 'noooo i saw __ had a pimple that day!' hahahaha fine la.

And lizaaaaa! Here's your isnt-it-obvious-enough clue. Can't wait for you to get back to singapore (pun intended get it get it liza?!) :D

Labels: rants

12:59 AM
sparkled;

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

i wish it was just you and me;
Thank you kayleigh and celes for yesterday! I was feeling so :/ everything fell into perspective after talking to you guys. Yeah, it's natural to feel that way but with time, i won't.

Haha i realise kayleighwee has come to know me really well. She can fill in all the blanks on my blog, she somehow knows when i'm not okay even if it's just a phone call, and she's total spot-on in her assessment about my thoughts about a lot of stuff. She's right about what i feel abt sg (haha you guys know what this stands for) but i would like to make a correction. Who says starting from what kayleigh propose isn't gonna be real? Things with sg are always so simple like that and sometimes i wish things could just be straightforward with us from here. Oh well.

Oh and i talked to liza on msn and rachel on the phone yesterday too haha whole of clarks. I really don't know what i'd do without you guys.

Labels: friends

11:13 PM
sparkled;

Sunday, June 14, 2009

yeah you and i will be a tough act to follow, but i know in time we'll find this was no surprise

So i saw this pretty good-looking photo of * yesterday, and - surprise, surprise - i feel nothing. I remember wondering what * would look like in a ___, and now, i do know, i realise i don't care. I'm just constantly disgusted with what *'s been doing. Even if ______________________ now, i think my response would be nonchalent.

no surprise - daughtry
I've practiced this for hours, gone round and round
And now I think that I've got it all down
And as I say it louder I love how it sounds
Cause I'm not taking the easy way out
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why...

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

It came out like a river once I let it out
When I thought that I wouldn't know how
Held onto it forever just pushing it down
Felt so good to let go of it now
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow
There's nothing here in this soul left to say
Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow
God know we tried to find an easier way
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
That's why this comes as no, as no surprise

If I could see the future and how this plays out
I bet it's better than where we are now
But after going through this, it's easier to see the reason why

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

The kiss goodnight, it comes with me
Both wrong and right, our memories
the whispering before we sleep, just one more thing that you can't keep
Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

Yeah, in a way i always knew it would come to this because, despite everything, we had too many conflicting fundamentals. That it happen was no surprise.

Labels: songs

7:27 PM
sparkled;

Friday, June 12, 2009

i don't know if im ever really gonna let you go

i'm lagging really badly on my study plan. Two weeks into the holiday and i've only started on one chapter of chem, one of math and two of econs? Gosh.

hey, let me tell you know.
ohhhh baby.
trying to decide, trying to decide if i, really wanna go out tonight.
i never used to go out without ya, not sure i remember how to.
gonna be late gonna be late but, all my girls gon have to wait cause, i don't know if i like my outfit.
i tried everything in my closet.

nothing feels right when im not with you,

sick of this dress and these Jimmy Choos.
taking them off cause i feel a fool, trying to dress up when im missing you.
ima step out of this lingerie, curl up in a ball with something Hanes.
in bed i lay, with nothing but your T-shirt on.
oh, with nothing but your T-shirt on.

hey, gotta be strong gotta be strong

but i'm, really hurting now that you're gone.
i thought maybe i'd do some shopping, but i couldn't get past the door and,

now i don't know now i don't know if i'm ever really gonna let you go

and i, couldn't even leave my apartment.
im stripped down torn up about it.

Labels: songs

9:11 PM
sparkled;

Thursday, June 11, 2009

just that way
K my computer's driving me up the wall. For some holy, unfathomnable reason, i can't seem to download msn live even after countless installing, uninstalling, reinstalling, repairing and all. Dang annoying i swear :/

And i know i don't ______________ , but i can't stop _________________.

I think i'm starting to look crazy cause i was smiling to myself on the bus and some random guy standing in front of me was like, 'Are you okay?' :o

Sneaking out to spray testers, taking roundabouts loop to pass by _____ and _____ just in case...., little ploys, getting to know each other better, the awkward first few moments of a meeting in a long while, the warming up and laughter later, debating about just how many minutes it takes from one station to the next... Mundane, insignificant stuff like that? I realise they are actually worth more than all that highstrung drama, really.

Labels: random musings

11:56 PM
sparkled;

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

picking up the pieces
So today was quite fun i guess; unproductive, yes, but fun all the same in a drama-free, simple and nice way. Fencing in the morning, tried to do a little chem but failed miserably, went to collect my alleged-repaired-but-still-spoilt laptop at wisma, then ambled along orchard for awhile, came back to sun plaza, ran into yongsheng studying at mos, second attempt to do chem, and failed again 'cause we wound up just talking and playing silly primaryschool games. Let's think, how to ace at tic-tac-toe/who can speak chinese better/pepsi cola etc? It's been eons since i last did stuff like that. I really miss that piece of childhood that seems to have vanished altogether since we got to rj. Oh and he showed me like videos of his old times in cat high hahahah omg the stuff they did!? Boys' school must have been fun mann.

On a more serious note, i'm so scared for CTs. I'm just hoping for 5 Cs (oh yeah perfectly high aim i know) which i have little confidence of achieving anyway. It's just, i'm so freaking terrified by the workload i really don't know where to start. The amount we have to mug is mammoth, really. I'm so so scared, yet i'm not doing anything to change the situation. And having my laptop AND phone snatched from my possession within days just doesn't helpp.

For once, i'm starting to wonder if the chinese zodiac fortune telling thing actually has some foundation in it because this year has seen me waddle through spade after spade of rotten luck. First _ and all the harm it brought, then a horrible _ i can't even relate to, then getting ______ as ___________ right after i prayed for and got ____________, then getting an equally awful ___, then losing my phone, then screwing up my laptop... and countless others. These are but the more significant ones that jut out of my memory conspicuously.

And yeah, even though 3g's about everything i could ask for in a class, don't forget that was constructed by me - my own actions of changing combi. Luck had nothing to do with anything good that befell me this year. Ok except maybe ___________________________ and ___________________ and ___________ and _____________. :D

"Over You"
Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

I really love this song. It is so real, paints getting over somebody in the rawest, simplest, most accurate way - enlightenment.

Ok anyway decisions! I must stop giving up on myself. Be it skin, weight, studies... i've just seemed to let go completely because i've lost the confidence and resolve to work things through. The first few steps are soo terribly hard to take but i want to get there. Enough of this self-pity i've been indulging in for so long and welcome to like new, term 3 shiyin who's gonna start on a clean slate. Okay for starters i'm gonna cut my hair! :)

Labels: decisions, rants, songs

2:18 AM
sparkled;

Sunday, June 07, 2009

So celestine and i were talking about ________________________ today and it struck me how light-hearted, fun and innocent our discourse was compared with the emotion-charged, weary graveness of early this year. I'm so glad, really. It feels great to actually be seventeen rather than assume all the seriousness of someone considering her destiny. It's so stupid how upset and worked up i got myself when this is the only time we can be young, silly and frivolous.

Life's okay, except for losing my phone, the lizard in my room cupboard and the occassional moodswing. Ah i can't understand this crazy emotional roller coaster i'm on. Everytime i feel life's improving i'm caught by some worrybug that seems to be constantly whispering that everything's gonna fail no matter how hard i try. It always feels like i'm at point A, know i've to get to point B, but can't fathom how i'm supposed to make it through from A to B.

But okay, hols, so, be happy!!!

12:25 AM
sparkled;

Friday, June 05, 2009

it's time that i learn to face up to things on my own
(not a girl, not yet a woman - britney spears)

Something that happened this week has reinforced the need for me to learn independence. From young, i've always been the most reliant in my family or amongst my friends. At home, my mum does everything from housework to cooking to settling my school affairs. In primary school, Belica was always the one pulling me back when i attempt to cross the road, not realising that it's the red man sign. Throughout my rg life, Celestine has always needed to inform me of dates to come back to school, forms to fill in, work to do. In rj, i rely totally on clarks and becs for emotional support. During bio, i can never complete a practical without Vera and Biang's help. It seems like i can never be independent, can never take care of myself.

And i'm sick of it, i'm tired of being the girl who always needs a helping hand, who constantly strikes people as being helpless. When thrust into a foreign environment, i can never take care of myself and always end up feeling so lost and alone. I know i can't always depend on people to be there for me 24/7. It was tolerable when i was still in primary school, but now, at seventeen, what kind of failure am i if i still cannot survive a day without begging people for help?

Its an over-reliance that has been cemented and built upon since time immemorial. Because i was rather sickly and, believe it or not, meek as a child, i remember being constantly regarded as the damself in distress of the family. My sister and all my other cousins were always boisterous and able to stand up for themselves, but i always relied on others to voice my opinion because i was, hard as it is to conceive, insanely reticent in early childhood. At risk of seeming like i'm making excuses for my own irresponsibility, i grew accustomed to that help and developed an over-reliance on everyone around me.

But i'm no longer that physically and emotionally weak person anymore. I don't want to be perceived as a bimbo in need of assistance all the time. Girls from rgs are percieved to be too independent for members of their sex, not ninnies who can't take care of themselves.

I really want to change. I need to learn responsibility, to take care of myself and my own things. I cannot keep causing unneccessary inconvenience for my mum who already has enough on her plate, and my friends who have their own lives to take care of too.

If anything, i hope this year sees me transform into someone more independent and responsible than ever before. I want to be a better and more worthy person.

Labels: decisions

9:58 PM
sparkled;

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

i finally let you go
(unneccessary yes, but it feels good to be able to type it out like that)
K so i finished reading Firms & how they operate (I) lecture notes today; feel quite a sense of accomplishment. :)

But i'm still super behind schedule in that i haven't done by scatter diagrams tutorial (due long ago last week) and bio DNA & genomics tutorial. Best yet, i don't even possess a DNA & genomics tutorial.

I have, have, have to complete Firms & how they operate (II), DNA & Genomics tutorial and scatter diagrams tutorial somehow or another soooon. Mass/mega/maniac mugging. My brain's so cluttered with all these awful academic stuff that i just haven't got any space left for any other thought. Oh except:

1) my skin is in such bad shape! Remedies anyone? I don't recall any period of my life no matter how dirty the setting i was in (e.g. OBS) that my skin is worse than it is now. It's all tired and dull from lack of sleep/vitamin c/whatever else it needs but i've been depriving it of.

Apparently, there's this product, Zeno Pro, which is reportedly able to zap zits within 2 days. But it costs like 250 bucks (!?) and is damaging for the skin in the longrun.

Sigh I swear i would trade ______ and ______, as i told rachel tan haha, for good skin now!

2) Lucas Till. I watched the you belong with me mv again just now and he's really super cute lovelovelove! I think i'm gonna watch the Hannah Montana Movie for him, if nothing else haha.

********
And sometimes i think i'm the world's most horrid daughter. I feel so bad about the way i've been treating my parents :/

Labels: holiday, random musings

3:58 AM
sparkled;

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

I think it's so amusing how foolish people who have just entered the brinks of adolescence think they own the freaking world, with one such example being my dear sister. In her own tiny, narcissistic, insane brain, she's the queen of the universe, the freaking centre about which the whole earth revolves. Just because she's in dance, just because people have praised her for being pretty, just because she has a baby clique of like, um, 5 people in class? Haha wth, this is damn hilarious. She thinks she rules the world because she apparently rules her class. Big joke. Spoiled, selfcentered, disgusting beyond words. Omg i can totally cry from this freaking high blood pressure.

12:12 AM
sparkled;

Monday, June 01, 2009

holiday?
This holiday doesn't conform to its name at all! Like Yu Hsuen said, why not rename it "Week 11, 12 and so on"? After all, the workload's gonna be equivalent to what we've been covering during term time. The only way to truly earn a holiday is consistency in daily work, which i, of course, lacked.

It's amazing that a quarter of our jc life has flown past already though.

Labels: holiday

8:21 PM
sparkled;

Sunday, May 31, 2009

"Who's Cryin' Now" by Saving Jane.

It's too late to say you're sorry
You've been gone from here too long
I hope you found what you were missing
Cause I don't miss you here at all

And it's too bad that I'm not crying for you baby,

I'm saving my breath
I'm saving my tears
I'm saving my life for something
Better than these years
I've lost too much time
Crying over you
Don't look so surprised that I've
Got better things to do
Who's crying now?

There's so many nights I wasted
I was waiting for your call
Did you think I'd wait forever?
I guess you don't know me at all

And I told you if you left you would regret it
Thinking I would take you back, but you don't get it

There's something you should know
I finally let you go
It had to end somehow
Tell me who's crying now

Labels: songs

10:12 PM
sparkled;

cacophony of
The holiday is so packed with pw meet-ups, fencing trainings, intensive piano, academic catch-ups, outings with friends that it leaves practically no time for a long, reticent getaway to really think and soak in the serenity of having time on your hands. I wish we could go away on a short trip instead, to hongkong, taiwan or whatever.

Meanwhile, i've been catching up on a bit of reading. Finished A Pale View of Hills by Kazuo Ishigoro on friday. A melancholic, haunting, misty piece hard for the reader to truly decipher, it is good in the typical asian-writer sense. I'm currently on The Remains of the Day by the same author and The Boleyn Inheritance by Gregory Phillipa. Reading always offers a certain escape, a sanctury to the everyday hustle and bustle of life. I really miss the literary climate of good books and films that inundate the soul with awe of the whole canvas of life.

Haha i don't even know why i'm having a virtual monologue about such things. Possibly because i've little else to occupy my mind now... but either way, life's blissful like that! :)

Labels: book review, random musings

11:43 AM
sparkled;

pensive thoughts
Now that everything has blown over, the lack of that intensity and depth of emotions seems oddly foreign. On reflection, i am convinved - now more than ever - that the whole episode, or at least the last few months of it, stemmed from the sheer force of habit and little else. It is amazing - i may even venture at 'amusing' had it not affected the first few months so badly - how much i burdened myself then over something as inconsequential as this.

The opening of 2009 at a new institution brought a chance for change - the profound opportunity to start on a fresh page. It is true, though, that it wasn't a clean a start as could be elsewhere. After all, the people we had known from early days, and who would doubtlessly remember past mistakes, were all here together. But the place is huge and people get lost in the throngs.

Yet i squandered the chance by trudging along with the weight of ______________. Looking back, i feel so cheated, so silly. It would have been so fun, so carefree, so different if i had not been the way i had been then. If i could turn back the clock hands, i'd forgo all the happiness i ever derived in return for a less bumpy transaction to rj life.

When asked, i once replied that i do not regret ever knowing ___ because i had truly been happy then. Now, the regret i feel for ever crossing paths with such a person is so real and intense. I wish i had never gone for the stupid event last year. Everything would have been so very different.

Be that as it may, we can no longer alter what has happened. All we can is derive contentment from knowing that if nothing good came out of it, at least we've learnt the lessons of misplaced trust and affections. We emerge from the tangle of embarrasment and the heat of regret stronger - more experienced, more mature. And that is the sole, true good that has come out of something that should never have occured in the first place.

I now have a far clearer sense of purpose and focus which will hopefully spur me to the heights i aspire to reach over the course of the remaining year and a half. Every day since wednesday has marked new progress. Today i realised i can think of __'s friend without so much as a flickering thought towards __. It was only much later that i realised this subconscious development. Even i am surprised at the speed of ascent out of this regulated obsession i was in for so long.

Time heals all wounds, i have no doubt in that now.

Labels: random musings

12:27 AM
sparkled;

Friday, May 29, 2009

one moment in time
After two movies in three days, i'm officially broke. This week saw me getting 60 bucks poorer just on food and movies; madness i know.

So liza biang dong and i caught Night in the Musuem II on wednesday after school and it really was pretty darned boring. I almost caught myself dozing off so many times haha. But it was fun hanging out with them. It was quite funny how we literally snuck cooked food (not even the portable fast food kind but like curry chicken and korean food!) and ate in the cinema. Pity amanda and vanessa had to leave early and couldn't join us for the movie though :/

Then aikloong and i caught Terminators IV today :) It's been ageeess since i saw him, the last time being jan (?!); it was great catching up even though we spent most of it freezing away in the cinema (okay only i froze cause he apparently wasn't cold at all). The show was pretty good although he insists the first three prequels were better. Haha i didn't catch the prequels to both Night at the Musuem and Terminators!

Oh and GV sucks. There's no student price so it's 8.50 per ticket and they don't even have decency to
1) have a toilet within each hall itself
2) a screen to show us which seats we can take, and to crown it all,
3) the seats don't even slope, as though there were some kind of invisible nature's law guiding the taller people into the backrow seats -.-

I miss quality cinemas at cheap prices! Think cine seriously. So we were talking about how we've kinda swapped locations. Like he used to be at cat high (bishan) so he all he got was j8 while we marked the whole of orchard our playground at rg, and now he's at nj which is sooo much nearer town while i end up stuck with j8 haha.

****

It dawned on me recently just how foolish i've been over the past year. For so long, it had been all about weighing qualities: how smart/sporty/confident/tanned/litty/witty/knowledgeable _ is juxtaposed against others. But it struck me on wednesday that that doesn't constitute liking, much less love.

True love, unromantic as this sounds, is friendship on fire. Friendship is not a mere foundation of love; it is its core and essence. It is learning to accept and love another individual's flaws because without reason, not loving him for his accolades, fame, or, worse, sporting glory. It's knowing that he's not perfect, being entirely clear that he has no talent to his name, yet loving him despite that. And when people ask why, the only answer that leaps to your mind immediately should be: i don't know, a theory proposed by Autumn in my heart. I used to think that was the stupidest, most superficial reason to give. How can you not know the answer to such a fundamental question?

Yet, i now know that those three words encompass so much more: they mean that something was meant to be. Qualities aren't the contents of one's character. The ability to wax lyrical is not a character quality. Nor is intellect or fitness for that matter.

Labels: epiphanies, movie review

8:41 PM
sparkled;

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

k like i really don't see the point of continuing. It's like this black hole that i've somehow fallen into and i know i won't be escaping anytime soon. It's like every single stupid little thing is just lost in the huge scheme of things. I really really want to do well but somehow everything's just heaping up. The whole backlog is killing me. And i want _____________ but i can't because nothing i do is sufficient, it's just lost, so insignificant in God's plan. Or am i even part of God's plan? Damn. I feel like there's just this whole futility crashing on me every day. I want to run away. Every day i've this notion drummed into me that the only way i can escape this whole mess is to run away, physically. God please just help me save me or whatever.

Labels: rants

10:52 PM
sparkled;

thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great
So liza amanda biang and i were in the library yesterday after school and kinda stumbled upon this topic which i think is so true. I once read that the ones who are truly poor are those utterly devoid of memories, so despite all the inconvenience and pain they caused, thanks for the memories.

******

i think jaded's the word. Yeah i'm probably too young to be feeling such an intricate feeling of exhaustion which usually comes from being perpetually sick of the world over years, but i just am okay?

Everytime i feel things are picking up, or force myself into believing that anyway, something has to come along and sweep that belief away. I won't even bother translating it into words because no one's gonna understand and it probably will come off too pathetically whiney. I think i should just be a housewife or something when i grow up because i can't stand nor am i suited for the competitive singaporean climate. I hate this paper chase yet i'm one of those caught up in this rat race because i know i need the luxuries these certs can buy me in the future: a comfortable life.

Labels: random musings, rants

6:42 PM
sparkled;

Sunday, May 24, 2009

where eyes cannot see what the heart feels
So i wasted the whole of this weekend wallowing in my burn-out and rewatching tree in heaven for the umpteenth time. I know i haven't exactly earned the right to claim a burn-out since i haven't been working hard enough to warrant such a collosal term, but i just feel so tired of this whole focus-on-the-prize system.

This school reminds me of a machine meant to churn out templates of excellence. Everything seems so surreal. I'm so so tired. I miss being able to pursue what i really want. And no rebecca, it's not lit that i want but gave up. It's being able to write, fully express myself whatever way i want.

The education i really want is the one i got at Creative Arts Seminar, where they weren't guidelines, models, templates, worksheets... You were really free to express yourself. We were all fresh, new, with no history, no emotional baggage, no standards to conform to.... I really like writing, reading, catching the latest film and all that. That's not lit, but there isn't an equivalent in this junior college system my psle score has somehow thrust me in. Not that anywhere else is preferable. I'd probably die in the poly/ite system, but still, this system leaves much to be desired, and i know it's not just rjc. It's just the whole education complex of singapore that forces us to strive, focus, excel in fields we don't really care about.

all i want is to watch you shine
when every bench in school seems inscribed with your name,
when every head turns when you enter the game.
when your face appears on the school sports channel,
when you take your bow, brandishing your medal.

when everyone's laughing at one of your jokes,
when you saunter through corridors, sun-soaked.
when your poems resonate depth of thought,
when you triumphant in the glory they sought.

when you beat the rest at everything,
when it comes to sports, games, or even writing.
when you always have something witty to say,
when everything you do just makes my day.

here i stand, watching you soar,
content with staring just a little more.
for hundreds are jostling for a little of your time,
but all i want is to watch you shine.

Just something i wrote this afternoon after listening to come down to me. Perhaps still far behind your standard, but well. I want to believe what you wrote was heartfelt because they are all so quote-worthy but, were they?

Labels: poem, rants, school

9:22 PM
sparkled;

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Our class was selected for bball rj vs hcjc match support today so we got to skip the whole econs lecture. This is the first rj match i've supported officially so far and it was quite fun, felt abit of the rg thing since the cheers are the same anyway.

Later we followed the councillors down to the old police academy to catch the rj vs acjc rugby match which was quite eye-opening (?), considering i've never watched a rugby match till today.

Then liza, amanda and i left early for thompson plaza haha amanda and our plan was damn funny it made me laugh till my insides hurt. Love girl talks like that! :)

***

I heard something ironic recently about a certain friend bemoaning the lack of friends who care that friendships and i swear i could have fainted from the sheer irony of it all. If you do care that much about our friendship, why do that? Is it really that ego-boosting to prove that you're better? Weren't you expecting that maybe that would hurt our friendship and destroy my trust in you? You must have known. If you weighed the pros and cons and decided on it still, our friendship mustn't have been worth as much as the kick you get from ____________________. So don't even bother playing the wounded victim. Oh yes, everyone will probably leap to your defence because you're oh-so-weak/whtvr, but seriously, you disgust me and i hate it that everyone still thinks you're the damsel in distress.

Labels: friends, school life

12:13 AM
sparkled;

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

i can't have you for mine and i know it
Hmm today was slightly better although i don't know why, possibly because i slept a grand total of 10 hrs of sleep yesterday (: Or because what happened during math kinda induced a ripple of excitement in my boring, mundane life. I was so surprised i almost dropped my coffee can though. Being caught in the act always makes you jump in guilt or sth.

Downside of the week: i've fallen sick and there's still tons of undone work, plus three hours of chem tomorrow due to make-up lecture T.T

Somehow, despite the 9 hrs of solid sleep and help from coffee, i was still unable to keep myself from dozing today. The perpetual lack of sleep over the past months must have taken a toll on my body already :/

Oh and i've kinda reached a decision to quit blyc. It's not possible to accomplish so much and i'm not willing to trade in my life (and black hair) like others do to be oh-so-well-rounded. I just want to be happy and content, and surviving well enough i guess. So the focus will be on studies and fencing henceforth :)

Speaking of fencing, we tried the actual fencing today and it was quite fun! I have to get over the initial, innate fear of dodging everytime a foil is thrust in my face though. Prior to rj, i never thought i could survive in a sports cca. Granted, fencing probably has one of the slackest trainings amongst the sports ccas in school; yet, i'd still list it under my personal achievements. I've come to accept (note: not love, just accept) running and no longer find physical training such a chore. In fact, i sometimes look forward to PT in the form of running/pushups because it is less monotonous than plain lunges.

Life's okay i guess, just a little monotonous at times. Next friday marks the end of term 1, and as much as i'm looking forward to a nice long break to just chill, shop, catch up on reading and tv, i'm kinda dreading the prospect that june's gonna be pretty boring. Not to mention the heaps of work we need to catch up on.

And, i really don't feel the welling up of emotions anymore. Granted, not one day passes without __ popping into my mind subconsciously but somehow gut feel tells me that this happens solely out of habit.

Labels: decisions, fencing, school

10:19 PM
sparkled;

Sunday, May 17, 2009

i know better than to try and take you with me

That line sums up a lot of what i believe in. Not referring to anyone in particular, just an ideal i've held for a long time: that of being able to continue loving someone despite knowing he will never be yours because like wind, he is not meant to be contained, withheld, rather, meant to be free - to run, to soar, for great things. And so you don't even try holding him back.

Like this passage, roughly quoted (i don't remind the exact words because i read it so long ago) from this Lurlene McDaniel book: Looking at Michael now still brought back a twinge in her heart. He was the sun, the sky - so beautiful, so high, so unattainable. She had tried so hard to hold him but now she knew that all she could retain of him were memories. It was Jonathan that would always be hers. She had come to learn that that was where she was meant to be. He was the earth - so warm, so steady, so ready to catch her when she fell. But she knew even then that a part of her would always love Michael.

I don't remember when it was that i started believing in the notion that love you cannot have always hurts the deepest, lasts the longest and feels the strongest. Probably primary school, maybe early sec, but i still believe now that unrequited love, or a love cut short through death, parental objection or whatever leave the greatest imprints on you. Maybe because what you can't have, you always remember. Or what you lost, you treasure even dearer. Then sometimes i think i may be still clinging on to the idea that ______________ because of the innate need to be more - greater - than the earthly self.

*****

Stuff i haven't done:
1) studied for chem tutorial test (tmr)
2) bio tutorial - mitosis and meiosis (due tmr)
3) gp compre (due tmr)
4) math sampling tutorial (due last thursday)
5) econs tutorial activity 1 - 3 (due tmr)
6) math hypothesis testing tutorial (due tmr)
7) chem gases tutorial (due wed i think)

Oh and not to mention, the chem tutorial test tomorrow is on chem bonding that i know nuts about and haven't so much as attempted the tutorial and gases, again uncompleted tutorial. I'm totally in for chem remedial, which may be a good thing after all though.

All this lassitude is clogging up my senses; all i want right now is to be able to take a day just to sleep and curl up with a good book or watch a feel-good movie that's gonna beef up my emotional/psychological make-up for a couple of days. I'm emotionally-dependent just like that. It's not good i know, but it's like i constantly need a stimulant to keep hoping that things are really going to go great, maybe because sometimes things just seem like, life just isn't worth the effort.

Labels: random musings, rants

11:45 PM
sparkled;

Friday, May 15, 2009

i just want wanna watch you shine

"Come Down To Me"

Words fall out of my mouth
And I can’t seem to trace what I’m saying
Everybody wants your time
I’m just dreaming out loud,
I can’t have you for mine and I know it
I just wanna watch you shine.

Tripping up on my tongue,
It’s all over my face and I’m racing
Gotta get away from you
Burning all the way home,
Try to put it to bed but it chases
Every little thing I do

When the light falls on your face,
Don’t let it change you
When the stars get in your eyes,
Don’t let them blind you.

[CHORUS]
You’re beautiful
Just the way you are
And I love it all
Every line, and every scar
And I wish that I could make you see
This is where you ought to be,
Come down to me.

Spell it out in a song,
Bet you never catch on to my weakness
I’m singing every word for you.
Here I’m thinking I’m sly
Then you’re catching my eye, and just maybe
You’re thinking what I’m thinking too

When you see it on my face,
Don’t let it shake you
I know better than to try and
Take you with me.

[CHORUS X1]

Songs like that really kills all the cynicism, don't they? Kayleigh just recommende it today, and i really like the lyrics. I love the part i just wanna watch you shine, it feels all asian-tradition when you're content with being in the shadows if someone you love can shine in glory and all.

Yet sometimes i feel that these are the kind of notions that lull you into illusions and delusions.

I've spent the past few weeks acting and deluding so much, such that i don't even know what i really feel now. It's been so long i think i've forgotten what it's like to really ______________ and habit always leads me back towards thinking i still _________ when i may not anymore. But the problem is i keep trying to convince myself and others i don't _________________ that sometimes i wonder if i still do but am trying to delude myself that i don't.

Labels: songs

8:13 PM
sparkled;

Monday, May 11, 2009

no more mistakes
Mother's day lunch with the family yesterday; this weekend has been slightly better than expected. I love my family a lot; it never fails to amaze me how much they have sacrificed for me.

Sigh but there's still soooo much work to complete! T.T I'm kinda dreading school tomorrow as usual. There's nothing to look forward to in school, really. I'm just so emotionally and mentally drained.

Thanks a lot for all those photos friends i don't even know, everytime i'm on the verge of confusion, i look at them, feel so grossed out and am enlightened straight away about my direction in life. Because i realise this isn't the person i knew.

Labels: rants

12:12 PM
sparkled;

Friday, May 08, 2009

how do i get better once i've had the best?

"Thinking Of You"

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy

With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into...

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...

I love this song! The lyrics are so meaningful and the mv's really touching. Basically, it's about how this girl is unable to truly love someone else after her loved one dies in battle during world war II. She's looking at her new guy but her mind's relieving memories of happier times spent with the guy who was, to her, the perfect man.

I really felt that i could relate to that, not because i have experienced such a sublime love, but because i really believe in the notion that true love lasts a life time - that regardless of whether you are lucky enough to get the bonus of spending the rest of your life with that one person, love of that level never burns out.

Labels: random musings, songs

9:46 PM
sparkled;

god please help me i'm so tired i want to sleep but i can't because i havent done everything, just completed my pi which sucked so much i bet i'll score one of the lowest. oh and there's gp essay outline undone, gp essay test and econs lecture essay test tomorrow oh god. oh yeah, not to mention i haven't learnt my 3rd piece of piano, greattt just kill me. work overload, im so darn tired im practically falling asleep in front of the keyboard. and i can't even be late for school tomorrow because 1 more white slip = die? and i just cant survive on 5 hours of sleep especially after such a physical training session today. my body's thirsting for sleep seriously. im just so unhappy really. i just need a source of comfort now, like somehow to just return to the stage when the hardest decision was choosing which crayon color to use.

12:34 AM
sparkled;

Friday, May 01, 2009

So the day got slightly better because i met up with Celestine Lim for a long catch up session at macs =D

Super tired and there's still piano early tomorrow morning. Life's just not worth living!

11:16 PM
sparkled;

but i still catch my breath when someone mentions you
Life's just too mundane, too meaningless these days. The same motives, goals, aims, and end-product reinforced and drummed into your minds, the same old cycle. Piles of work, unpracticed piano pieces... It's so routined, so i'm-doing-it-because-i-have-to while your entire being screams for it to be over.

Perhaps it is my inner drama queen that can never be satisfied without the crest of activity a crisis excites, or perhaps this is just yet another case of occassional blues that can be cured with binge eating, massive shopping... i don't know. But i just don't feel that this current life holds enough for me to look forward to. It's just what's the point? reiterated over and over.

Yet, in the midst of the undefined limbo, i still feel that things are moving far too fast for comfort. In a flash it's may already, these 2 years are really going to fly by just like that. And despite everything, i don't want this to end so soon. There are still so many things i've yet to accomplish.

I really want ___ to happen. Perhaps not from truly wanting, but from the satisfaction, from the accomplishment. It's stupid i know

Anyway i found this on a blog while bloghopping and thought it was rather cool, an accurate depiction of life's principles, simply told.

A saint asked his disciples, 'Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?'

His disciples thought for a while, one of them said, 'Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.'

'But, why shout when the other person is just next to you?' asked the saint. 'Isn't it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you're angry?'

Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the saint.

Finally he explained, 'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other because the distance has gone even greater.'

Then the saint asked, 'What happens when two people fall in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small...'

The saint continued, 'When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they need not even whisper, they only look at each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.

It reminded me of what y once said about a theme in Where Rainbows End by Cecilia Ahern that when you get so close to someone, you can just sit in silence all day because what transpires between you two doesn't require the exchange of words - it is powerful enough to cover the gaps conversation fails in.

We move on
Put those dreams away
Hoping that we'll find them
Come some rainy day
How could I know
That everything would change
Except the way I miss you

Come some rainy day
I'll sit and laugh with friends
At what we've all been through
But I still catch my breath
When someone mentions you

- Come Some Rainy Day by Wyonna

Labels: random musings, rants, reminiscence

2:09 PM
sparkled;

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Today's was a dang lousy day. Probably the worst of this week (i'm hoping tomorrow's better)

I think people can be so judgemental sometimes, so holier-than-thou. I'm so tired of having to conform to people's standards, live up to expectations, fit social norms. Uninhibition isn't for people who have something to uphold, something to aim for, something to lose. Then again, i know i succumb to the lures of judging too.

Labels: rants

9:16 PM
sparkled;

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

i love you anyway
When you have to look away
When you don't have much to say
That's when I love you
I love you just that way

To hear you stumble when you speak
Or see you walk with two left feet
That's when I love you
I love you endlessly

And when your mad 'cause you lost the game
Forget I'm waiting in the rain
Baby, I love you, I love you anyway

'Cause here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
'Cause that's when I love you
When nothing you do can change my mind

The more I learn, the more I love
The more my heart can't get enough
That's when I love you
When I love you no matter what

So when you turn to hide your eyes
'Cause the movie it made you cry
That's when I love you
I love you

A little more each time

And when you can't quite match you clothes
Or when you laugh at your own jokes
That's when I love you
I love you

More then you know

And when you forgot that we had a date
Or that look that you give when you show up late
Baby, I love you, I love you anyway

So here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
'Cause that's when I love you
When nothing you do can change my mind

The more I learn, the more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
That's when I love you
When I love you no matter what

Ohh, that's when I love you when nothing baby
Nothing you do could change my mind
The more I learn, the more I love, the more my heart can't get enough
That's when I love you
When I love you no matter what
Ohh, no matter what

I think i've posted this song before but the lyrics are too darn good to pass over posting a second time :) I love the way the song goes i love you anyway, that nothing you do can change my mind. The more you get to know someone, the more character flaws you find. Hence, the line the more i learn the more i love, the more my heart can get enough, speaks volumes for the depth of affection, doesn't it?

'You remember the people who touch your heart, but you'll never forget the people who break them.'

Labels: songs

10:41 PM
sparkled;

Monday, April 27, 2009

you've got a smile that could light up this whole town

Had 5 stations today and i'm pretty pleased with my results :D So it's true that impossible is nothing, with a little pushing. And thanks jo for specially coming down to support and subsequently getting burnt and made to run errands, and biang and rohan for waiting for me to finish, love!

Bio tutorial, GPP collation, Math tutorials, Chem tutorials... tonight's gonna be a long one again!

Anyway this convo with andrew today was quite funny, reminded me of old times (last year) when we set up our now-defunct (or should i say never actually operating?) matchmaking angency hahahha. Kinda miss those stupid 2am msn convos with him.

(Cause we were randomly talking about this guy from his school and he just has to jump to conclusions, as usual -.-)

excerpt
&drewjustwantstoscreamoutloud says (10:30 PM):
haha
into him ar?

shiyin says (10:30 PM):
whaaatt of course not
sensitive! haha.

&drewjustwantstoscreamoutloud says (10:31 PM):
good candidate for our match making agency!

shiyin says (10:32 PM):
HAHAHAHA
oh man you still remember
i thought one of the laws is no matchmaking for ourselves?

&drewjustwantstoscreamoutloud says (10:33 PM):
LOL
really?
hahah
ooops
laws are meant to be broken
ha

shiyin says (10:34 PM):
haha you?
got anyone in mind in tj?

&drewjustwantstoscreamoutloud says (10:35 PM):
haha
for me to know
and for u to guess

shiyin says (10:35 PM):
that answer again
never change!

&drewjustwantstoscreamoutloud says (10:36 PM):
haha
of course
the same me!

shiyin says (10:36 PM):
oh remember we said jc is the focal point of our business cause everyone wants to hook up
but it's like they don't seem to need help!?
all hook up damn fast

&drewjustwantstoscreamoutloud says (10:37 PM):
haha
&drewjustwantstoscreamoutloud says (10:38 PM):
refering to urself?

shiyin says (10:38 PM):
nah
please i'm how innocent

Ah it's almost a year ago that we established our stupid agency, set the groundrules and coerced kim into being our employee for a grand salary of 10cents/year! The good ol' times haha.

Labels: reminiscence, school

10:28 PM
sparkled;

falling stupid for you (:
I kinda have no idea how i'm going to survive the rest of the two years here, or the night for the matter. I haven't touched Bio Cell Structure tutorial, Math Normal tutorial, Chem Bonding tutorial which are naturally all due tomorrow. Not to mention that there's 5 items after school because i was absent the week before when the class took it. I'm not sure how i'm going to scrape a decent grade if i'm going to be sleeping like 4 hours, or none at all tonight.

Oh and not to mention like piano that i'm totally dying for. I haven't so much as opened the piano save during lessons for two weeks, and it is really showing in my dexterity, or the lack thereof, at the throes of the keyboard. So much so that i'm even contemplating lugging an extra 2 books (pieces + scales) to school tomorrow so that i can maximize whatever free blocks i have practising because there isn't going to be any other available time.

Plus, i think i'm going to have to redo my pi because chances are i failed it? Gosh. I've no idea why i am still on this page blogging when the heaps of undone work lie waiting on my desk at the moment.

Yet i can't help smiling over this :)

It's not everyday
That I meet a person quite like you
Perfect every way
I finally found the nerve to confess that it's you - that I want
I don't care if I act a fool
I would damn near beg for you
Set aside, all my pride
So don't keep me hanging here
Cause this girl is falling stupid for you...
Oh, oh stupid for you...

The proper thing to do
Is for me to act like a lady and wait
For you to make the first move

But I don't think you're getting the point
That it's you - that I want
I don't care if I act a fool
I would damn near beg for you
Put aside, all my pride
So don't keep me hanging here
Cause this girl is falling stupid for you
Oh, oh stupid for you

Why's it always feel like I am
Chasing love when nothing's there
And here I go just making the same mistakes...

I've fallen stupid for you...
Oh, oh stupid for you...
Oh, oh, oh, oh

"I was sitting here smiling for no reason, that's when I realized I was thinking of you."~ Anonymous

Labels: rants, songs

12:28 AM
sparkled;

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Damn stressed.

Y'know it's stupid how a simple one-liner can linger in your mind for so much longer than it's worth? You're one in a million, and i know i won't meet anyone like this again.

1:17 AM
sparkled;

Thursday, April 23, 2009

it takes a few seconds to say hello, but forever to bid goodbye
A lot has happened this week. Had 2.4 on wednesday and i'm really happy with my C even though the ranking's really bad. Now i finally know what it means to feel glad for breaking your personal records even if you still fare much worse than others. Last time i really never thought i had the stamina nor the physique to overcome this hurdle. There was always thalessemia, always a history of rapid heartbeat, always the weak constitution excuses... But i guess, looking back, a part of it was probably an unhealthy mindset to begin with. Fencing training did help a bit too i guess. The one good thing that came out of rj is that i now have greater determination, higher resilience... (:

Just hope 5 items goes okay on monday, i really really don't want to do fitness management the whole year round!

"Love that we cannot have is always the one that last the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest."

I know it's nothing, i'm past that phase. After all, there was no option, no other way around the issue except to face it squarely and let it go. But when our eyes meet, when you sit close enough that i can hear your voice, follow the familiar train of sideburns, i still can't help feeling that undistinguishable blend of emotions: affection, anger, regret, fear, nervousness all rolled into one.

Labels: random musings

9:46 PM
sparkled;

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

but always just enough to break your heart

this is not enough. after that, how can this ever be? every day i get this feeling of intense suffocation. always a cover up, a disguise, a mask of feelings. always smiling, a facade, a lying.

close enough to touch,
never enough to hold,
but always enough to break your heart.

- a nice quote i from from some blog. totally epitomizes the so near yet so far thing doesn't it?

10:58 PM
sparkled;

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

you give love a bad name
I'm more or less over this, but i can't help but feel disappointed with your hypocrisy, with your dishonesty. It has reinforced in me that i'll never do this to a friend. If our friendship is worth less to you than someone you claim you hate, then maybe you really don't value it at all.

You haven't done anything wrong technically because i'm nothing to that person. But as my friend, a good friend, a confidante, someone who knew just how i felt about everything... i am still amazed at how you never told me. How far do you want to go in this cover up? Like i'm stupid, like i won't know? Or perhaps you underestimated the depth of our friendship? No matter how awkward things have become between us, don't forget we were that close for a whole year.

You made me realise that friendship, noble as it sounds, holy as it seems, can be so superficial, so false, so fragile. I am so cynical of this whole notion now. Maybe it's true that only blood ties count.

I may forgive, but i'll never forget and i'll never trust you again. As far as you're concerned, you're a friend lost.

Labels: friends

10:45 PM
sparkled;

Sunday, April 19, 2009

i hate this suffocating feeling of being unable to do what i really want, of having no freedom whatsoever. yes i know, i'm lucky and everything, but i derive no meaning from this existence at all. i want to be able to catch the monthly movie, to go to town every friday, brunch at lido between lessons, tete a tetes cum homework sessions after school at sembawang macs, lunch gossip at pastamania, skip school at will every now and then... all these small things don't seem like much when you list them out one by one; they didn't seem consequential in the least then, but now that they're gone, i finally realize how much they meant.

i really, really feel like it's a battle every day. school ends pretty late on monday, gotta prep for tues. fencing on tuesdays and thursdays. boon lay youth club on wednesday. piano on fridays. weekends burnt by this or that. when do i ever get shiyin times when i can just read a book or watch the world go by or just hang out with the people who matter most?

i spent the whole day watching goong this afternoon but i know i'll pay somehow or another later this week. all the undone work. it's my fault if i fail math tmr, or if i have to spend the next few days sleeping at 1am. but i can't live life just subsisting on finishing the day's worth of work.

at heart, i am an idealist/dreamer/escapist. i need a world outside ticking off a checklist. i need to feel like i'm in control of where i want to be, what i want to do and who i want to spend time with on a daily basis. i need the constant laughs, the dreams, the comfort....

i read and watch tv because i want to escape into a world where you really fulfil your dreams, where you're truly free to do what you want. i don't know what my dream is now, but i know that all i want to be is happy.

it's so tiresome, really.

sometimes i feel like im floating in nothingness. in school, it sometimes feels like im cut off from everyone. in the canteen, in the LTs, in class, along the corridors... you're physically there, but not really, just skimming the surface.

it's so overwhelming, everything. not just school work. responsibilities, health, cca... and not just that, it's just life on the whole. im exhuastedddd. i long for the weekend just as the week begins. i want to be alone sometimes, yet i fear loneliness. i really dont know what it is with me.

11:29 PM
sparkled;

I hardly know how to describe life in its recent context. In a nutshell, it lies in a tiniest region between happiness and unhappiness, i.e. there is hardly anything to be upset about, but i'm not happy either. It's just living life as it is. Which beats being outright unhappy though, of course.

It's just i wish i could be happy, like really, truly, contented-happy. To wake up every morning raring to go because i know it's going to be a good day. To have something to work for, something to look forward too; a purpose in life. I wish i could permanently sort out my thoughts, straighten them and never look back.

I was watching goong for the billionth time that day and lines that flitted in and out of my brain without really making an imprint then now seem impactful, wise, relatable. There's this line when Xiaolin was like (rough translation), 'i still want to know every single little about you: where you go, who you meet, even what you wear. I have to hear things about you from others all the time. D'you know how it feels to only be able to watch your life from the outside as a voyeur now that i'm no longer part of it?'

Labels: about life, korean drama, random musings

1:14 AM
sparkled;

Sunday, April 12, 2009

please skip this post it's just for me to get everything bottled up out

i just found out there's like freaaking chem class test tmr omg i don't believe this and im so bloody sick of failing i dont want to fail my favourite subject now this is so sick like bio and all these i don't think i can do this anymore. like everytime i take a breather work piles up and i'm just surrounded in heaps and heaps of junky work. i cantt take it. so many times i feel like running away from school but then what future would i have left? they say jc is the worst part of your education, once you're through with it everything's gonna get smoother. but how do i survive this noww?? i'm just so tired i want to sleep forever and wake up tomorrow to go outtttttt and not to that nutty place to do chem class test which im gonna fail at any rate. and my skin. my skin is suffering i feel like i have sandpaper for skin. and napha. im so gonna fail napha what am i going to do. and 2.4 and what shit. omg my life. isnt it enough to pressure us with studies. why must there be freaking napha and what nots. and im really scared i'm gonna get the freaking lowest for class test tmr such that my lack of brains image is going to be sealed for life. god help me pleaseee.

Labels: rants

10:08 PM
sparkled;

hands
some hands i've seen are fair and smooth.
immaculately sculpted, they seem to hold the world
in the precise symmetry of snowy canvas,
wrapped around dainty chassis.

long slender digits branch with grace from flawless flesh,
they produce magnum opuses
works of art bearing fruits of art,
these hands are meant for fine things, great things.

they belong to pianists;
these hands dance across flights of ebony and ivory,
releasing strings of beauteous melodies
--- they are applauded for their mastered dexterity.

they belong to artists,
these hands carress paintbrushes from which spring,
rainbowed Edens, pictorial Utopia,
--- they are remembered long after seeping into the ground.

they belong to men in suits;
these hands thumb notes and punch grey tiles,
jugglers of figures, facts and numbers.
--- they are rewarded portions of notes they count.

they belong to men in white;
these hands clasp scalpels and forceps,
unplugging tumours, removing bullets
--- these hands are always revered as saviours.

such hands i oft encounter,
such hands i do admire.
but they are not the set i seek,
for only one pair stands out in memory:

mismatched hands, the good one slightly larger,
they are burnt on the outside, callused on the inside.
green tracks snake hither across their brown sandpaper
stretched coarsely over sturdy, large frameworks,
not a sight to behold, no.

these muscled hands have fought the brute strength of choppy waves,
these callused hands have felt the searing pain of peircing rocks,
these stubborn hands refused to release a sinking boat:

with their last ounce of strength they hauled on back and resumed sailing
across the currents, across the turmoils,
onto shore.

smooth to the touch they are not
(for their calluses scratch against the skin)
accolades pass through them not
(for they do not bear the works of art)
wealth retains not in them
(for they stretch too wide and notes fly by)

but strangely so,
these are the only hands i want to hold.

The first poem i've completed in 8 months (!!) Pardon the kinks in sentences/stanzas, it's a little rusty after a dormant 8 months!

And hey you, i've known you for a year now. Not long, but it already feels like an eternity.

Labels: poem

12:24 AM
sparkled;

Friday, April 10, 2009

Things are getting so much better now, really. My classmates are really nice people and i'm so thankful i switched combi.

But still. There's this lingering feeling of futiliy which refuses to dissipate - a sense of what's the point of this all? Things are becoming to pragmatic. It seems like everyone has an agenda being crafted words. I'm just really tired. Like sometimes i just want to forgo everything and be a normal girl without a care. JC life is fun i gues. But really, sometimes i can't wait to be over and done with it, leaving this place with a secured future and not a deadweight of worry binding me all the time. I really want to venture out a bit and see the world in a less cloistered environment. Something to work for is motivating, but having nothing at the back of your mind, you free to go as you please... that must be rejuvenating all the time.

Maybe it's just pms. Maybe it's having to deal with so many conflicting opinions, drama, intrigue... I'm just so wearied by all these.

Labels: rants

11:04 PM
sparkled;

Thursday, April 09, 2009

I was sifting through that file of photos when it dawned on me just how many people, like me, are fighting for but a slice of your attention. Maybe it's no longer about the person, but the perks your relationship entails. I'll give you this though: you're a tough trail to follow.

Labels: epiphanies

12:54 AM
sparkled;

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

a little more each time
I am not superficial and frivolous.

Contrary to popular, misguided belief, i am not stupid, nor am i shallow. My grades have been plummeting for a reason; i giggle non-stop but that doesn't mean mean i'm yet another airhead.

We did this quiz during gp the other day and there was this question 'people don't realise i'm not stupid until they see my grades' and i felt like i could relate to that. This is not a shameless broadcasting of my intellect because no, i know i'm not that smart; i just think i'm more intelligent than people credit me for. I guess their misperceptions are not unfounded, i know i sometimes act like a bimbo.

1) I am blur
I can't help it. It's this innate thing in me to daydream and sometimes lose track of where a conversation is going or what a situation is. This is not autism, much less is it bimbotism, just a tendency to drift off, is that so wrong?

2) I screw up assignments and quizzes like crap
For the past four years, i've always failed FAs and assignments because i lack motivation to put in my 100% for ungraded stuff. Bad attitude maybe, but as long as i ace my tests, who cares right? Plus, sciences have never been my forte. I know i sound stupid asking really basic questions during chem or bio sometimes but that doesn't mean i am brainless. People only start noticing that 'hey maybe she did get into rg on her own merit' after taking a lit or english class with me and that sucks because i have no edge whatsoever over others in bcme.

3) I have no situational awareness
Again, this is partly to be attributed to my propensity to daydream. I don't grasp the seriousness of a situation sometimes, and i make stupid mistakes. It's so ingrained in me, so much a part of my perceived identity that i feel a significant amount of my apparent lack of situational awareness arises out of habit.

4) I laugh/giggle like i don't have a care in the world
I really really like laughing. Some people are innately happy. Some people are volatile - people who need constant sources of happiness to maintain their peak of happiness. Laughing over silly stuff/inside jokes really help me stay happy. Once i start laughing it's hard to stop. Why would you want to if it releases endorphins that keep you on high? Because of this, people never take me seriously. Rebecca once said that there are two faces to me: the one that can be all-professional and serious when presentations need to be done, and the one that laughs so bimbotically much that people question if a entry to rgs was a fluke. I don't mean to blow my own trumpet, but i think it kinda crytallizes what i am.

5) I am dramatic.
Often, i exaggerate facts so much that they lose their gravity. True, that sounds strangely familiarly frivolous. But i am one person who gets lost in the onward torrent of affairs easily. Once i fall into a recounting session, i can't help dramatizing things a bit here and there. But don't all humans-inclined people exhibit this inclination towards drama?

6) I gush about muscles.
But doesn't everyone admire a good, toned, worked-out physique? I might comment or compliment, might take a second look, might even gush to my friends how muscular a guy is, but at the end of the day, all is forgotten and i really only truly like one and only one. I don't see what's wrong with admiring a well built-up set of biceps or something as long as one doesn't start professing love for the bicep-owner on sole account of his muscle size.

Sure, i play along, laugh it off. It's funny sometimes, brings in laughs. But i really don't want people to walk away thinking i haven't enough brains to fill an eggcup. Because i am not bimbotic. I may not be the smartest girl in town, but i definitely have my share of intellect.

When you have to look away
When you don't have much to say
That's when I love you

I love you just that way
To here you stumble when you speak
Or see you walk with two left feet
That's when I love you

I love you endlessly
And when your mad 'cause you lost the game
Forget I'm waiting in the rain
Baby, I love you, I love you anyway

'Cause here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
'Cause that's when I love you
When nothing you do can change my mind

The more I learn, the more I love
The more my heart can't get enough
That's when I love you
When I love you no matter what

So when you turn to hide your eyes
'Cause the movie it made you cry
That's when I love you
I love you

A little more each time
And when you can't quite match you clothes
Or when you laugh at your own jokes
That's when I love you
I love you

More then you know
And when you forgot that we had a date
Or that look that you give when you show up late
Baby, I love you, I love you anyway

So here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
'Cause that's when I love you
When nothing you do can change my mind

The more I learn, the more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
That's when I love you
When I love you no matter what

Ohh, that's when I love you when nothing baby
Nothing you do could change my mind
The more I learn, the more I love, the more my heart can't get enough
That's when I love you
When I love you no matter what
Ohh, no matter what

Labels: clarifications, songs

5:52 PM
sparkled;

Monday, April 06, 2009

better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before

Everytime __ pops up in my mind subconsciously, i suppress it till a new, totally unrelated topic springs up as distraction. It's a conscious effort to curb an unconscious habit, and it pays off, though the results do not commensurate with the effort. It is possible, through sheer determination, to overcome all odds and slowly regain equilibrium.

Yet, i would be lying if i said a part of me doesn't miss everything. Although yes, that's another thing i'm working at suppressing.

Labels: about life

12:13 AM
sparkled;

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Life's so so much better these days, i feel so much happier, thank God; i feel blessed :) I hope my spade of bad luck is finally running out. Except one or two issues.

1) napha. I'm barely passing 2.4, cmi for standing broad jumps and just pass for ipulls. I really don't want to do the stupid fitness management module! Sighh i'm so weak this sucks.

2) the question of my intellect. Because i'm always rather zoned out/blur due to lack of sleep or an innate lack of social awarenss, i think i often lead people into underestimating my intellect or capabilities, i.e. i'm a bimbo. Yes, laughing it off sometimes works, in fact it can hold its own sometimes. But not if the image of me being brainless/uselesss adheres to the edges of others' minds too tightly. I am not stupid, really.

Labels: random musings

12:38 AM
sparkled;

Friday, April 03, 2009

:)
For the first time in 3 months, and i never though i'd say this, i'm kinda enjoying rj life and regaining my cheerful disposition. For so long, it's been all tears and overwhelming sadness, i almost felt i'd never be happy again.

But changing combination was probably the smartest thing i ever did in rj. In fact i hear people are still dropping out of english as late as last week! I know i wouldn't have been able to stick it through till As so thankfully i changed earlier. There's a pro in doing work, especially chem/math. It's a distraction, it's a get-over-other-stuff pill. And when you finally get to the bottom of a particularly tedious sum, or you finally find the symmetry and equilibrium of a system.... that overpowering sense of satisfaction is really worth it.

I guess a bulk of why i'm enjoying school now is hanging out a lot more with my darling 410 girls. Not one day goes by without meeting Kay or Rachel during break, after school or whatever. And of course liza and i have been hanging out like 24/7. Liza Rach and i decided yesterday during fencing that we're gonna find a secret place in school to bury one of our belongings/memos of our life as momentoes to be dug up by our descendents, commemerating what we were like at 17. Haha every day is so eventful now it'd be a pity not to document it.

8:16 PM
sparkled;

Monday, March 30, 2009

School's improving slightly, i may even reach a point i stop resenting rj. Although i still don't like the curriculum! It's super rigid and exam-oriented. There aren't eye-opening, skills-testing creative projects. Every day alternates between learning concepts, finishing tutorials and going through them. I think rp really is a very good idea actually. During the 4 years in rg i was exposed to so many different styles of thinking, creative teaching, experiential learning... I can't imagine what it would have been like had it been 4 years of prep for Os then 2 years of prep for As.

And i miss rg teachers! They really are facilitators in that sense - there to guide us and open our minds, never to spoonfeed. Be in maths, sciences, or humanities, all their teaching methods are engaging, creative, fun and effective. Here. all the lessons are sooo boring in comparison! It's really serious academics all the way. But oh well, we must always have the end in mind: humungous Alevels in 2010.

Labels: school

8:51 PM
sparkled;

Sunday, March 29, 2009

i hate it when you brush it off this way as though i was just another infantile child whining for her latest cartoon. something you can substitute with a candy, maybe another dress. you say big deal, as if i revel in my unhappiness, some twisted romantic figment of my underdeveloped, over-dramatic mind. but it's not, okay? this is not my cry for attention. this is not my drama production. it is my life. why would i screw around with it? you think it's child's play, yet you believe hers, at that level, to be one you need to protect, shield, guard. it's insane. you put them on a pedestal and you think i'm imagining.

"Yeah that's it what, big deal?" yeah i'm sure you'll say that to her. because she's oh-ms-porcelein and i'm just being the self-absorbed, immature, attention-seeking baby. again.

Labels: the awful days

12:00 PM
sparkled;

Saturday, March 28, 2009

aren't memories supposed to fade?

So Kayleigh, Kim, Liza and i went to watch Shopaholic at j8 yesterday after school. It's like my first movie this year (yes i know i totally skipped all the good january/feb flicks cause my life was too bad then) and it was pretty okay despite the poor reviews. I need to catch up on movies! Feels like a long time since i watched a decent chickflick/family comedy.

As much as i love chem for its orderliness, symmetry and plain logic, i still miss the vibrancy of a story teeming with plot twists and schememing characters, or the subtle shades of meaning a single word whispers from the depths of a novel/poem, or how all these different facets fit in a jigsaw piece to give meaning, structure, sense. With all the hard sciences now my english is seriously declining. I literally have to delve into the depths of my memory bank to fish out words that used to be at the back of my hand. Total lack of practice.

Ahh i've no idea why i've been so moodswingy lately. The last 2 days were pretty baadd. Last time i couldn't understand why Zhulin didn't want Mr J to leave for resservice but was happier when he was away and upset again when he was back. But hey i totally empathize now. Crazy and contradicting as it may seem, it really does feel like that! But okay things are better today. Moodswings, really.

A quiz i did on fb that recalled so many great memories...
If you enjoyed your high school years, you'll do it.
If you have nothing else to do, you'll do it.
If you're here to read the questions/answers and pretend to hate to do it, deep down you'll still do it.

This tag is so fun because the answers can go on and on. Read if you miss your high school years.

Bio Data

1) Which school did you go to?
rgs

2) What classes were you in?
101, 206, 310, 410. Same as Amanda Ng for all four years!

3) What was/were your favourite lesson(s)?
Lit, Chem, English, SS

4) If you could remember, what time was your recess?
Different every day, usually 3rd blocks i think. But on days it was 4th we would totally starvee through the first 3 hours of school. And ironically there aren't even designated recess blocks in jc now so friday's a whole 5 hours with no food!

5) List down your favourite food/snacks.
it is unanimous agreement that rg food sucks. um julie's biscuits from hot drinks & snacks, if you must? haha.

Style

1) Did you have a nickname way back in high school?
shyn/shimmy

2) How did you wear your socks?
ankle socks? haha besides rg socks in sec 1 that is.

3) Have you been suspended due to the way you put on your uniform?
a few bookings but never suspensions.

4) Were you given plenty of reminders about your appearance?
haha all the time by Ms Tan.

5) Who did you look up to when you were in high school?
hmm some guitar seniors i was close to, e.g. jolene, peiting, yingjie

Punishment

1) Name one memorable scene where you were punished in front of the whole class.
can't rmb! i think i was asked to stand for the whole lesson and had to do a forfeit or sthg.

2) How many times did you skip class? What were you doing?
hahaha check with muni and liza! almost everytime we were late. having breakfast at macs haaha.

3) Give one scene where you escaped from being caught/punished.
haha again, those good ol' macs days.

4) Did you vandalize any school property?
nope

5) Did you ever make any teacher cry?
nope.

Teachers

1) Who was your favourite teacher?
Dr Slatter, Ms Doreen Tan, Mr Toh, Mr Yeoh

2) Describe your DM.
My bio teacher i think. Mrs Prama. But she's really nice and a good teacher too.

3) Who was the funniest/weirdest/loudest teacher?
Haha a tie between Mr Toh and Mr Yeoh haha class karaoke mansz.

Social Circle

1) Were you popular back then?
haha no but not like unpopular.

2) Were you in a big group of boys/girls or small ones?
hmm there was four people in becs and 8 in the 410 clique.

3) Who were your best friends?
BECS, CLARKS Zhulin Mengxia Jamie

4) Did you and your friends have nicknames?
Haha as above! And oh we had a short stint at the fire/spark/cauldron/stirrer/water thingyy.

5) What were your favourite memories of you and your friends?
Every moment we spent together. But particularly SS trip last year, all the options free blocks at shaw, toapayoh kfc/sembawang macs with BECS, 132/980/167 bus rides with Celes, Whyogurt talks w Celes, morning breakfasts at the canteen before school with BECS, laughing with zhulin abt mr j and mr a, gossip sessions during RS, mas selamat thing during rs meet up

Co-curricular Activities

1) What type of CCA were you in?
performing arts

2) What did you have to bring to your CCA?
guitar, music scores, food!

3) What did your CCA require you to do?
learn the pieces, play with expression etc, follow the metronome, quit syf if we sucked too much haha.

Crushes/Lovers

1) Who was your first crush?
in primary school? this guy in my p5 class it was so stupid haha

2) Are you in good terms with your last crush?
no we're avoiding each other to the best of our abilities.

3) Did you ever had a relationship with anyone in your high school?
hahaha rg is an all girls school!

4) Have you ever made out in school?
once again, girls' sch

Closing Ceremony

1) How did high school changed you?
best few years of my life thus far. learnt a lot about society, life, social circles, independence... made the best few friends in my life there too though.

2) Sing one verse of your school song.
so heart to heart, we'll scale the heights of learning
no mean desires our days shall shame
whole hearted true with pride and ardour burning,
on sisters on to life and fame.

3) What was your favourite question?
"is this gonna be on iNet?"

4) Who/what will you remember from your high school?
All my friends, Dr Slatter, Ms Tan, all the times laughing about Mr A and Mr J, sleepover at liza's house, inter class karaoke, strolling to pe so that half the lesson's gone all the time, hmm and founder's day debacle/scare last year with yanling and cheryl!

5) Any memories you will not forget.
All the great times there, which basically is almost every moment there. haha.

I miss all these every single day. Met rokhini at the windy benches yesterday and we walked/trained home together and i ate a bit at macs with her yesterday so we started talking about 410 and all. Miss it a lot. Maybe memories always seem happier than the actual thing, but i really can't believe just how happy i was back then.

School is getting better now. Classmates and fencing people are nice, but still, it will never be rgs.

It never crossed my mind at all
That's what I tell myself
What we had has come and gone
You're better off with someone else
It's for the best
I know it is
But I see you

Sometimes I try to hide
What I feel inside
And I turn around
You're with him now
I just can't figure it out

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you

Aren't memories supposed to fade
What's wrong with my heart
Shake it off let it go
Didn't think it would be this hard
Should be strong, moving on
But I see you

Sometimes I try to hide
What I feel inside
And I turn around
You're with him now
I just can't figure it out

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you

Maybe I regret
Everything I said
No way to take it all back
Yeah
Now I'm on my own
How I let you go
I'll never understand
I'll never understand
Yeah, ohhh.

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
And I really don't know what to do
I'm just a little too not over you

Not over you, ooh.

Labels: quizzes, random musings, school, songs

10:42 AM
sparkled;

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

good day
I wish she'd just freaking quit it. All i hear every day is the same story on loop, again and again. The same tone, the same topic, the same words, the same examples... Gosh give me a break.

Mugged abit of chem at Cartel with B, E and Rachel today and for the first time this week i actually did some productive work! Oh i realise chem's like my favourite subject now. I actually feel a sense of calm (yeah sounds stupid but i really do!) reading atomic structure lecture notes even though the concepts are still a little fuzzy. It's one of the best distractions from unhappy thoughts.

Hmm B and i were discussing * and i realise he's a lot like you. Although i always knew that but i can't help laughing at the stuff B says he says because it sounds so youu. Haha i think i miss your sense of humour more than anything else. But it's getting better.

And because i was late for school today i met Xiner, Charlotte, Ruixin at the train station and, on the way to the parade square, Muni. Oh mann it's so nice to catch up with them! Although we only know one another on a more or less casual-talk-only basis, except for Muni that is haha, it still felt so good talking to them because it reminds me of the good ol' days of 190 bus stops, shared corridors, and a super cosy school compound. One of the few good things that came out of rjc is that i feel closer to rg people, e.g. getting to know and talk more to schoolmates i didn't know/were just hi-bye basis friends in rg. Somehow this foreign environment makes me feel closer to rg people, love them!

On another note, i really need to be more independent. Maybe it's just wired into my psyche, maybe it's just habitual, but because i'm pretty zoned out and blur most of the times in school, i always portray myself as stupid/dependent/bimbotic and it's baddd because i don't think i'm stupid. Sometimes i wish i had the confidence and air to be those alpha females you see on screen, but it just doesn't work out because the girly thing always takes predominance.

Labels: school

9:42 PM
sparkled;

Monday, March 23, 2009

part of me will always be in love with you
Life is leading us to different places
When you're gone I don't know what I'll do
I will learn to smile at other faces
But part of me will always be in love with you.

Who knows where another year will find me
Gone will be the lovely things we knew
But each starry night will still remind me
And part of me will always be in love with you.

Part of me will always be wherever you are
Wanting you so although we're apart
Part of me will never let your memory get very far
Away from me you'll always be in my heart.

Other lips may learn to kiss me sweetly
And darling when I find somebody new
I will make believe I'm his completely
But part of me will always be in love with you.

Part of me will always be wherever you are
Wanting you so although we're apart
Part of me will never let your memory get very far
Away from me you'll always be in my heart
And part of me will always be in love with you.

I love this song! It reminds me of the scene in pearl harbour when Evelyn tells Rafe that she's gonna remain with Danny because she's pregnant, but a part of her will always love Rafe.

I don't think you ever truly get over someone who meant a lot, and a part of you always holds that "what if" close to heart. Sometimes too much of a good thing ruins everything, and too little of it just completes the beauty of loss.

Labels: random musings, songs

12:58 AM
sparkled;

Friday, March 20, 2009

Ok now that i have a sudden spurt of lucidity (does this sound familiar kayleigh?), i shall do a decisions/reflections post.

This whole issue has burned up so much of my time and sapped up so much of my energy, emotional or otherwise, for the past few months. I can't even recall how many times i've broken down because of this, or how many hours i've wasted at cafe cartel, wallowing in selfpity and whining to kayleigh. I've neglected my family and friends, quarreled with my parents, embarrassed myself a billion times by breaking down in public squares. For the past 9 months, my whole life has been centerered around this one person. I've found myself unwilling to get to know new people because i keep feeling they fall short of your standards. I've given up so many opportunities to integrate whilst trying to cling on to what little of the past there is remaining. I've been so freaking unhappy. For the last 2 years, any unhappiness has never survived more than at max, 5 days, but it's been 3 months now, surely this has to stop.

And at the end of the day, was any of it worth it? No. You might invest a whole world, but reap nothing at all.

I miss quality time with the people who matter: my parents who have heaped sacrifice upon sacrifice on me, those friends who have listened to the same old story time and again... I really don't know what i would do without all of them.

Most of all, i miss myself. I miss being self-assured and happy, i miss knowing who i am, what i want in life and how to work towards it, i miss revelling in the things i stood for, i miss speaking my mind without a second thought. When things go off-track, your brain just fogs up and you lose sight of everything, even who you are.

And about that, i dont know how much of it is true and i don't even want to think about it anymore because it's a waste of time. Regardless, i don't want to forgo our friendship especially if it really isn't anything. But this has reinforced in me that i'll never, ever do this to a friend.

Those friends i've lost: _, _, _, _ i'm gonna stop caring because such friends are not even worth the thought.

Rachel Tan and Kayleigh thanks so much for yesterday. And darn my thigh muscles hurt so much from fencing training ytd!

Labels: decisions

1:05 PM
sparkled;

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Ok i'm gonna try the stream of consciousness thing.

This is not a cry for pity. Really. I just am so tired. I need a break from all this emotional mess. I need a holiday to a shopping haven or a ski resort. I need to get this over and done with. For the billionth time, i miss rgs so freaking much. I am so unhappy. I'm tired of having to integrate, form new bonds, make new friends, adapt, change, fit in. Sick of feeling lousy, stupid, tired, drained, angry, sad, betrayed. I want to go back to when there's no holiday homework, when i felt protected because i knew rg really cared for us, i.e. they'd do anythingg they can to make us stay overboard. GPA 2.0 and you pass, go to rj. Here it's not like that. I miss the cosy, homely environment there. No one can go without missing rgs really. And there's still piano i'm so screwed for piano i havent touched it a single time in a week and i hate it.

I hate practising and what not, i miss ballet, i miss doing things i love, i miss lit but i know it's my decision. i wish i could just skip over this part of my life and fast forward to the happy, easy bits but im so afraid there arent any left now that i'm in jc, not protected like a kid in sec sch.

I dont want to study im so scared and my head is splitting now bad headache im so tired but i cant go to sleep i need to study im confused but i dont feel like doing anything im just unhappy. i dont even know if it's because of them, i dont think it is anymore but it killed my mood so i really need to cheer up although i dont know how. It sucks but i think ive forgotten how to be happy and this is such a freaking joke cause who forgets such stuff but me. Help me get to the easy parts God. When my future is secured, im protected. I always thought i wanted to be a career woman what not but nwo what i want more than ever is to stay at home for ever and pretend i can hide from all these. Pretend As dont exist. Pretend fake pretend fake Im sooooooooooooooo tired.

Labels: rants

11:59 PM
sparkled;

all i ever wanted was you
I know i should start a new life; it's impossible to have one with this nagging at the back of my mind 24/7.

And i am attempting to, really. To forge new friendships, to stop myself everytime i find my subconscious making far fetch comparisons, to not write people off because i'm looking too hard for a trace of familiarity. I'm tired of selfpity and sadness, of moodswings and madness. Just like how everyone must be sick of the same old story because it has been the same protagonist for the past 9 mths. Even i am sick of it, much less others.

Yet, it's so hard not to care.

And i keep asking how long more it will take to get better. Everyone says it will, and yes, logic agrees, but just how long more, if ever?

And rationale tells me that even if, it wouldn't work because of a thousand and one reasons, yet. I'm just into masochism.

It's nothing, just my paranoia, haven't i learnt that so many times? But what if, just this once, it's not just in my head? Would i be able to take it?

Tear up the photographs
But yesterday won't let go
Every day every day every minute
Here comes the emptiness
Just can't leave lonely alone
Every day every day hey hey
This second-chancin's really getting me down
You give and taken everything I dreamed about
It's time you let me know let me know just let go

All I ever wanted all I ever wanted
Was a simple way to get over you
All I ever wanted all I ever wanted
Was an in-between to escape this desperate scene
Where every lie reveals the truth
Baby cause I all ever wanted
All I ever wanted was you

I'd rather walk alone
Don't wanna chase you around
Every day every day every minute
I'd fall a thousand times
'Fore I let you drag me down
Every day every day hey hey
Your new beginning was a perfect ending
But I keep feeling we've already been here before
It's time you let me know let me know just let go

All I ever wanted all I ever wanted
Was a simple way to get over you
All I ever wanted all I ever wanted
Was an in-between to escape this desperate scene
Where every lie reveals the truth
Baby cause I all ever wanted
All I ever wanted was you

Tell me with so many out there
Why I always turn to you
Your goodbyes tear me down every time
And it's so easy to see that the blame is on me

All I ever wanted all I ever wanted
Was a simple way to get over you
All I ever wanted all I ever wanted
Was an in-between to escape this desperate scene
Where every lie reveals the truth
Baby cause I all ever wanted
All I ever wanted was you

And to my parents who will never read this, i'm so afraid to let you down. I know your sacrifices, i just don't voice it out. I'm scared that all these, everything you've given up for me, will come to a naught because i don't deserve it. I'm sorry i snap, i'm sorry i'm unappreciative, but i know.

Kenneth was saying i'm really lucky to have all my friends, and yes i know. Thanks so much all of you, always.

Labels: family, songs, stupidity

12:54 AM
sparkled;

Sunday, March 15, 2009

please don't try so hard to say goodbye

A Hundred Ways To Say Your Name

I avoid speaking your name in conversation,
throwing it to the air as if it were nothing
more than an assumption of you; it is my last
mode of defence. The last item of clothing
to discard before I realise I’m naked in public.

Because they can hear it in my voice. I know.
Even in that one short syllable that means
everything and nothing; your name is as common
as you are rare. As easy as you are not.
As simple as love should be, but never is.

But when I’m alone, I tie my tongue softly
round the familiar sound, as if pronouncing
with conviction the phonetics of desire
will cause time to pause just long enough
for the earth to hear my naming my loss.

Stumbled upon this poem while blogsurfing and it really struck a chord with me. It's amazing how its utter simplicity captures all the nuances of the writer's response to this loss, and how his stark feelings are conveyed through these few lines without even one mention of the word 'love'.

Ahh i miss lit!

Labels: literature

12:50 AM
sparkled;

Thursday, March 12, 2009

I'm so tired. Every day this alternates. One day i'm on sugar high just because we meet more than thrice, one day i sink so low just because you're still so cold i don't know how we're supposed to revert to normal, if ever. Or why i should care even. But i do. I really hate rjc. I can't help it. School is so freaking torturous. How am i supposed to walk out after 2 painful years and go, oh i actually love rjc.

And not that failing everything we've handed in helps at all. I don't know how i'm supposed to get my life back on track, concentrate on my studies and all with this awful pendulum on my life every second. All that's gonna help me now is if some divine intervention occurs and a divine hand wipes out every mistake and let me start anew or sth.

12:22 AM
sparkled;

Monday, March 09, 2009

i think i'd miss you even if we hadn't met

Firstly, to * I'M SO FREAKING SORRY! I LOVE YOU A LOT PLEASE DONT BE UPSET ANYMORE!

Aside from that, today has been the happiest since Feb 23. For the first time in half a month, i'm starting to feel like things are looking up, thank God for that.

And the 410 girls met up today! All 8 of us: Celes Kayleigh Liza Rachel Mengxia Zhulin Jamie and me. I miss them so much, it's actually emotional, like liza said, to see all of us together like that. Especially Meng Jamie Zhulin i haven't talked to them for so long because we seldom get free blocks together. And i got to like really talk to Celestine for the first time in a long time cause we trained and walked to school together this morning! I really miss all the heart-to-heart long talks we had on 132/thompson plaza whyogurt. Anyway clarks should totally do these meet-ups more often! Come to think about it, they could highly possibly be the reason i'm happy today because the last time i said i was happy was Feb 2, the last time we met up! Trend here, huh? :D

Since rj, a couple of people have remarked that i'm a really quiet person who needs to step out of her comfort zone and truly get to know and be known by people. Definitely not a description for the rgs mode shiyin but i think i've kinda regained the dormant quietness in me that i lost in rg? Haha which is good, in a way...?

JC life-style is still something i've yet to adapt to: being separated from clarks after two years of over-realiance on them in class, seeing so many unfamiliar faces, being unable to openly discuss names and such in public, lecture-tutorial system...

It would be a lie if i said i'm over it, but it really doesn't sting as much anymore. Even Liza agrees i'm making progress because i can joke about it etc! I think it's so ingrained in me it's become habitual, i.e., i've learnt to live life normally with this being part of it. It's learning how to thank God for allowing you to meet this person at all, to have a history no matter how short, to smile because it happened.

They say 'Never give up on something you can't go one day without thinking about', but then there are a million people who move on, even begin completely anew from scratch, even though not a day passes without them thinking about what they lost at least once. (it's in this story i read!) Yet, life goes on for them. When you reach the end of the road and you look back on your life, recalling all the what ifs, it's kinda romantic to know that for every day you lived in your life, you thought of it at least once in 24 hours.

Would my life now be happier and easier if we had never met? Probably to the first clause, definitely to the second. Yet, somehow i think i'd miss you even if we'd never met. But i'm glad it's a phase i'm getting over. :)

Gosh i think i'm back into idealistic mode; this must mean i'm truly past the grief hahaha. Thanks friends for everything thus far!!!

Labels: random musings, school

6:34 PM
sparkled;

Thursday, March 05, 2009

I am so tired! Econs essay, chem tutorial, bio lipids AND carbos tutorials, Boon Lay Youth Club camp, math probability tutorial, fencing camp, piano scales... just listing them out is migraine-inducing man omg. School is damn freaking stressful.

I still look twice when a guy with that sideburns walks by, still turn at the sight of an untucked shirt but, some day.

Labels: school

10:11 PM
sparkled;

Friday, February 27, 2009

I daresay that much more has happened in the space of this 1.5 mths than a whole year in rgs. Every day is peppered with so much drama, i'm just hoping the heat of all these will die out slowly with the advent of tests and all.

Hmm i changed my subject combination and class, am now taking bcme in 10S03G with liza. The people there seem really nice, but i've missed out on a month of bio lectures and class bonding so i'm just hoping i'll catch up with both aspects.

And Aikloong, thanks so much for being the most fantabulous guy friend anyone could ever have."Guys are born to screw up girls' lives", but you're the only guy i know who has never failed to make my life better, not worse. Even though we aren't in the same school, you're always there for me rain or shine and it feels so comforting to know that anythinggg can happen but i can always count on you for support on a daily basis. If i could be half as good a friend as you have been to me, i'd feel really proud of myself. As i said, we talk about really mundane stuff every day. "Hey, how's your day/how's school?" but these daily "how are you" talks really put a smile on my face because of its constant regularity. Cheesy as it sounds, i really hope we'll stay friends forever!

Anyway clarks has gone through major upheavals this whole week. I just reallyreally hope that come what may, we can remain as close as we were in sec 3 and 4. I really miss rgs and you guys so much. Today, coming out of the toilet, kayleigh and i met mr toh cause apparently the rgs teachers were here to discuss rs. And i don't know why, although i was never close to mr toh, and obviously didn't love him like dear __, i just felt so warmed, happy and overwhelmed to see him and so many rgs teachers. They represent such a huge part of my life that has passed me by. I think if i see ms tan right now i'll just burst into tears because to me, she symbolizes rgs even if, for a period of time, i felt really awkward with her after Founder's Day. I'm kind of scared to visit it yet though, because i just don't know how i'm going to return to rj after going back to rgs.

Rachel Tan and Nigel, thanks for yesterday. When Rachel said "i really felt so sad when all of y'all cried (like 4/5s of clarks zomg?), i felt like crying too", and "call me anytime tonight if something crops up", it really struck a chord with me because that's how close we are. You're one of the most loyal friends i've ever met, thanks sosososo much. And Eunice, thanks for saying you'd bash up ___ for me with your floorball stick, Celestine for still being the one who makes me feel so much more comforted, Cherie, Joshua, Mavis for listening to all my whinings, Yifei and Shikaye for the hugs and comfort, and of course kayleigh for all that advice! Love you guys alot.

Almost none of the above-mentioned people know my url but nvm, typing it out makes me feel better!

I no longer feel the sharp stabs of sadness. It's still gonna take some time i guess but at least i've taken one step in that direction. At least i don't have to see _ in all my lectures now. In fact, i doubt we'll be seeing each other much at all now that our timetables clash, we have no common lectures and our class lines are so far apart, but maybe it'll work out better that way.

I haven't prayed in a long long time but i'm going to start trying.

Labels: friends, rants, school

6:12 PM
sparkled;

Monday, February 23, 2009

the 7th thing i hate the most that you do - you make me love you

For the first time in a longggg time, i can honestly say that i was really, truly happy today. Being with you guys helps so much, really. Even if we're absorbed in our own tutorials ("Eh shit why no one doing chem here? - me or "Omg i'm the only one taking bio? - liza), sitting with you guys like old days just puts a smile on my face. Rebecca and Celestine saying they miss the old happy sec 4 shiyin and going "shiyin you have to

brave new girl

speak

links

History

Credits

Groove

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